Fiona Brennan - The Self-Love Habit: Transform fear and self-doubt into serenity, peace and power

For Mum, Dad and Orla.
Thank you for loving all of me, all my life.
My heart will always remain your home.

Contents

Foreword

Human beings are fairly complex compilations of stardust. How we navigate our worlds is influenced by our biology, past experiences, psychology, culture, and relationships. These influences are nuanced and layered, and they can often leave us feeling unable to get out of our own way. In the relentless war for our attention, the modern world has also designed a pretty extensive and subtle range of distractions, which even the most resilient of defences cannot protect against.

When I look back from a space of relative peace and contentment at my own journey, things that once seemed hazy now have clarity. One of the building blocks of my recovery came from the realisation that, although human beings are deeply complex and intricate, our needs arent. Our culture often tricks us into believing we need certain things in order to be happy, and we find ourselves constantly chasing that moment of enlightenment. I spent fifteen years doing it believing my happiness lay in achievement, material things, success and acceptance from others. I would set a goal, achieve it, and move on to the next one. Ironically, by chasing a certain life, I was missing out on living one. It always felt like there was something missing. It was an unquenchable thirst that I could never satisfy.

As I voyaged through the therapeutic process, it became pretty evident what that missing piece was: I never let myself experience pride; I had little to no compassion for myself; I had these unrelenting standards, and even when I managed to meet them, I brushed my accomplishments off. It was realising this that allowed for the rebuilding of my sense of self. This insight was important, but insight requires action.

The foundation of a strong sense of self is compassion. For me, it is the most basic of human needs. It is also a brilliant starting point for creating a more sustainable defence against the hostile elements of the modern world, so that we can embrace and enjoy the amazing and joyful stuff we all experience too. But the journey to building self-compassion doesnt mean we can bypass the inevitably difficult stuff that life throws at us. So much of the narrative within the wellness industry is about airbrushing out negativity, dismissing it as a bold child, and creating an almost synthetic positivity without any clear road map for how to actually get there. The reality is that its often the darkness that can teach us the most about ourselves.

In Fionas first book, The Positive Habit, she explored how the human condition relates to positivity and how positivity is much more than an inspirational quote or meme that we are force-fed in some Facebook thread. She looked at how we can hold our negative patterns to account. How we need to find ways to challenge them. How the neurological mechanisms that send us into a spiral of negativity are the very ones we can use to build a habitually more positive mindset. The Positive Habit provided a clear road map that was practical, tangible and, most important, impactful.

Fionas writing doesnt come from a place of hierarchy. It feels like she is talking with you rather than to you, and that is very important. None of us have this mad world, or our mad heads, all figured out, but with Fiona it always feels like you are in safe hands like she is shining a torch so that you can see your way in the dark. That is what resonates with me and hopefully it will resonate with you too.

Reading Fionas second book, The Self-Love Habit, I am enlivened by the fact that she has continued this incredible, relatable style that made her first book such a success. Once again, the key here is the road map. Working on both a conscious and a subconscious level, Fiona explores four crucial habits for building the ability to accept and love yourself in a world that sometimes makes it hard to do so. Listen, open, value, and energise: these words dont mean a hell of a lot out of context, but once you start to delve into the content of each one, they really open up our reflective natures, which makes books such as this so important. Fionas ability to disarm the ego and provide a window of self-awareness to the reader before rolling out the techniques and the rationale behind them is what makes her books so impactful. I dont feel condescended to, and, if I am honest, when I read books about the human condition I often find myself feeling that way.

This pandemic has tested us all and continues to do so. Just when you think you have some form of control over your state of mind, you hit a wall. But it has also presented us with an opportunity. An opportunity to become better guardians of our own minds. To re-evaluate value systems and belief structures. To take personal responsibility for our own emotional wellbeing. To decide where and upon whom we want to place our precious presence and attention. But heres the thing: it takes work. It takes commitment. There are no shortcuts you need to take the scenic route. Its longer and there are some crappy roads with potholes and hills, but, my God, its worth it. This book can guide you on that scenic route and will act as the North Star if you are veering a little bit off course. In essence, whats important to remember is that, although the mind can be weakened, it can be strengthened. Life is not a straight line; trying to pretend it is lies at the root of a lot of our suffering.

I will finish by reiterating the key principles of the practice of mindfulness-based interventions. Nurture beginners mind, or curiosity. Bring fresh eyes to this book. Open your mind to its content. Engage with it. Challenge it. Explore it. Knowledge and education diminish fear, and this book has those in abundance.

NIALL BRESLIN, NOVEMBER 2020

INTRODUCTION

Vivre sans aimer nest pas proprement vivre.

(To live without loving is to not really live.)

MOLIRE

EXTRACT FROM MY PRIVATE DIARY ENTRY, AGE 20. SUNDAY, 3 SEPTEMBER 1995, ISSY-LES-MOULINEAUX, PARIS.

I can hardly move. I am motionless. I feel lost and long for Mum. I know how pathetic this is. I mean, here I am in my worshipped blue studio in Paris, the dream I have been looking forward to for months and I feel totally empty and alone.

Things at home were so good before I left. I had so much fun that I almost wish none of it had happened. I spent the most loving and precious time with Mum, who could never have been more kind. All my friends were full of love and last but not least Ciaran came to see me coz he really wanted to! I find him so much fun, so kind and so sexy. I was so sad saying goodbye to him.

The tears of self-pity are rolling down my face. Have I made the right decision? I cant help thinking of my last disaster as an au pair. I am afraid and I feel trapped. I am here now miles away from the people I love. Why did I think I was able to deal with this? I think I am very tired and really need to relax. It physically hurts to be away from Mum, she means so much to me.

I am in a great city; I am determined to make a go of my acting career but I cant help feeling lost. Life is too precious to whittle away feeling sad. I have loved and I will keep on loving. People are the most important things in the world.