Samuel J IV Hodges - Grieving with Hope: Finding Comfort as You Journey through Loss

My emotions may be all over the place. But that is considered normal.

Sabrina Black

H eal me, L ord....

I am worn out from my groaning.

All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.

Psalm 6:2, 6

H aving an idea of what is normal in grief and what to expect will help you in the midst of this confusing, exhausting time. As you read this chapter, youll discover thoughts and emotions commonly experienced by people grieving a death. We want to assure you that what youre experiencing is normal, yet unique.

Your Grief Is Unique

Youve attended funerals. Youve comforted grieving friends. Youve seen death on TV. Now its your turn. Having observed grief from a distance, you knew it would be rough. But you didnt think it would be like this. Sandy, whose son died, describes grief this way:

You go outside and look around and you wonder why the whole world doesnt stop for this period of time. People are still going to amusement parks and eating ice cream cones. Dont they know what horrific thing has gone on? Its like a nightmare.

Adding to the pain is the fact that well-meaning friends do not truly understand what youre going through. But thats okay. Grieving with hope begins, in part, by recognizing that what youre feeling is unique to you.

No one else really understands the depth of your love and the depth of your feeling for the one who has died, shares Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker whose daughter died. People can say, I know how you feel. But the reality is no one knows how much you loved the one you lost.

Other people cannot comprehend the specific nature and depth of your pain because the details woven together to form your relationship were unique to that relationship. Sabrina Black, family counselor, explains:

Even though you may talk to ten parents who have lost a child, ten women who have lost a husband, or ten men who have lost a wife, every situation is different because of our relationships, our backgrounds, the way we process things, the dynamics between the two of us. Our situation is unique to us.

Although your grief experience will not mirror anyone elses, grieving people often struggle with similar thoughts and emotions. Throughout this book, weve compiled the experiences and advice of people whove faced grief and found hope. Finding out whats normal in grief and what to expect will help ease your mind and keep you moving forward through your grief process.

Common Experiences on the Journey of Grief

Depression

One of the most common reactions to the death of a loved one is a deep feeling of sadness. Low energy, fatigue, trouble sleeping, difficulty making decisions, and feelings of hopelessness often accompany the sadness.

My mother would wonder why I kept the room so dark and why I was lying down so much, shares Kimberly, who lost her grandmother. Thats how I wanted it. I wanted it quiet, I didnt want to eat, and I didnt want to be bothered. I would look at the phone and just watch it ring.

Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge, a Christian psychologist, said that after her husbands death it felt like there was nothing left, that my life was over.

During grief, these types of depressed feelings are natural, but how do you know if you should be concerned about the length or severity of these feelings? Talk with your doctor. Talk with your pastor. They can give you wise feedback on how you are navigating the grief process. You could even ask them, Do you think Im making enough progress on my grief journey? Also, spend time with others who know what grief is like. They can encourage you, which can keep you from getting too depressed. But if in your depression you begin to entertain thoughts of suicide, talk with someone whos been trained in suicide prevention right away.

Feeling like Youre Losing Your Mind

You likely find it difficult to concentrate and make simple decisions. You lose track of time. You may forget your friends names, how to get places, and other basic facts. If mental glitches are causing problems at work or home, write down what you need to do and ask others for help in making decisions. Scaling back on how much youre trying to do can be beneficial, as your body may be telling you that you need more time before going full speed again.

H. Norman Wright, grief therapist and trauma specialist, describes some mental capacities that may not function as well during your grief:

In grief your memory plays tricks on you. There are things you remember, but then you wonder, Did that really happen? You may be talking to someone and all of a sudden, What was I talking about? When youre in grief, you dont concentrate very well, and the person you lost often dominates your mind.