Jeffrey M. Schwartz - Dear Patrick: Life Is Tough—Heres Some Good Advice

Dear Patrick,

It was good to talk to you on the phone last night. Im sorry to hear that broken promises is such an ongoing theme in your relationship with your dadthat time and again, as you put it, he says hes going to do something, and then he doesnt do it. But Im very glad he called you on your birthdaythat much ceremony, at least, he can still get it together to observe. Most of all, Im glad youre taking me up on my birthday offer.

By beginning this conversation, were actually resuming, in a whole new way, a transmission of ideas from generation to generation that was held sacred until just one or two generations ago. (Its no coincidence that thats also when our families and communities really started falling apart.) The ideas well be talking aboutwhich are nothing less than the operating instructions for human natureare timeless, but for their eternal relevance to shine forth, they need to be freshly applied to the new circumstances of each generation. (Showing that these great ideas are still the main source of spiritual power, even in an age of science and technology, is the only way to restore them to their rightful place as lifes true foundation.) Thats why your part in this dialogue is so important. I can reconnect you to the power source of three thousand years of wisdom, but youre the one whos going to have to ground it in the urgent concerns of a young person living right now, at the beginning of a new millennium.

If that sounds like a setuplike Im going to expect long letters from youdont worry. I know how busy you are, with swimming, football, and now crew, too, on top of all your classes. I also know you and letter-writingIve gotten a few of your one-liners over the years! Its not a problem. Theres a gem of a line in Shakespeares play Hamlet: Brevity is the soul of wit. So its fine with me if you weigh in now and then by phone, post card, or E-mail, in twenty-five words or less!

Meanwhile, Ill start by telling you how I found my way, as much out of sheer desperation as anything else, to the sources of wise guidance that Ill be sharing with you. The story begins when I was almost exactly your age, andthis might surprise youathletics play an important part in it.

You expressed some concern last night over whether all your sports will leave you enough time for studying. So far, you seem to be handling it, according to your mom. Your rowing coach, whos also your biology teacher, says youre doing great at both. To my mind, thats probably no coincidence. Academics provide the content of education, but good athletic training builds a strong and capable container! Your passion for athletics will actually make my job easier, because your experience of training your body will give you a head start in understanding what I have to say about training your mind and character.

I was a wrestler in high school, and what I learned from it has served me all my life. When my coach, Bill Linkner, retired two years ago, over thirty years worth of former wrestlers and football players gave him a big testimonial dinner. One of the gifts was a poster-size picture of him, which we all signed. What I wrote on that picture was, Thanks forthe discipline. Because that discipline formed the foundation for everything Ive accomplished since. To this day, everything I do contains some element of what I learned as a wrestler.

Near the end of that evening, when we were presenting our coach the gifts wed gotten for him, one of my old teammates said to me, You know, if Coach Linkner had asked you to die for the team back then, you wouldnt be here to see this. And I said, You know, youre right. Its well understood now that thats how soldiers fight, how they can face death in combat without batting an eye. They do it for each other, and their common goal. Its about identity and connectedness with your buddies, your platoon, doing well for them, earning their respect and esteem. Clearly, Patrick, youre experiencing that right nowfrom what you tell me, especially on the rowing team. And Im proud to say thats what my teammates most remembered about me. They used to joke that if Coach Linkner told me, Go run through that brick wall, Id try. There were definitely better wrestlers than me on the team, but no one was more dedicated. Im not exaggerating when I say that when I was your age wrestling was more important to me than life itself. I may not have been too wise, but no one who was there would deny that I was brave.

Most adolescents devote themselves tosomething with that kind of life-or-death intensity, and for a good reason. You are, in reality, dying as a child and being reborn as a young adult. If society doesnt assist that passage with a rigorous, transforming challengeand outside of the military, athletics is almost the last one weve got leftkids will often act it out in tragically self-destructive ways, like drinking and driving, gangs, or drugs. I vividly remember saying something back then that sums up in one line how much wrestling meant to me. A friend from another school had told me that his football coach liked to say that soccer (which I also played) was only agame, but football was a sport. (Americans have acquired more respect for soccer since then!) I replied, Well, you tell your coach that maybe soccer is only a game, and football is a sport, but wrestling is a religion!

On that note, Ill send you back to the sacred rites of rowing and continue this story tomorrow!

Your friend,

Jeff

and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.