Everett Worthington - Moving Forward: Six Steps to Forgiving Yourself and Breaking Free from the Past

Praise for
Moving Forward

A compassionate and very personal examination of the hows and whys of self-forgiveness. Blending the sensitivity of a counselor with the rigor of a scientist is no easy accomplishment, and that is what has made Everett Worthington the most sought-after expert on forgiveness for nearly two decades. Read this book and learn how to move forward in your own journey of self-forgiveness.

R OBERT E MMONS , editor-in-chief of The Journal of Positive Psychology and author of Gratitude Works! and Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier

Why do we see the need to forgive others while overlooking the importance of forgiving ourselves? Everett Worthington knows from hard experience that both are necessary, but neither is easy. Now you can benefit from his years of researchas well as life-tested applicationin taking the only path that will free you from shame and self-condemnation.

D R . T IM C LINTON , president of the American Association of Christian Counselors and executive director of the Center for Counseling and Family Studies at Liberty University

Researcher-clinician Everett Worthington, the worlds leading expert on the science and practice of forgiveness, now points the way to self-forgiveness. For those of us who are painfully aware of our flawsand thats most of usthis grace-filled book shows how to lighten the burden of self-blame and guilt, how to discover and embrace Gods love, and how to experience healing.

D AVID G. M YERS , Hope College social psychologist and author of A Friendly Letter to Skeptics and Atheists

Who doesnt know the feeling of being stuck in a rut or weighed down with self-condemnation? This book is for all of us who are honest enough to confess our need to make peace with ourselves. Dr. Worthington has suffered through darkness and now uses the story of his personal pain to light the way for all of us. Read Moving Forward and join him on the inspiring journey of self-forgiveness and true peace.

L ES P ARROTT , P H D, author of Shoulda Coulda Woulda

M OVING F ORWARD
P UBLISHED BY W ATERBROOK P RESS
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This book is not intended to replace the medical advice of a trained medical professional. Readers are advised to consult a physician or other qualified health-care professional regarding treatment of their medical problems. The author and publisher specifically disclaim liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use or application of any of the contents of this book.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica Inc.TM Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. Scripture quotations marked ( NRSV ) are from the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the USA. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Details in some anecdotes and stories have been changed to protect the identities of the persons involved.

Copyright 2013 by Dr. Everett L. Worthington Jr.

Cover design by Kristopher K. Orr; cover image by Biwa Studio, Getty Images

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House Inc., New York.

W ATER B ROOK and its deer colophon are registered trademarks of Random House Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Worthington, Everett L., 1946
Moving forward : six steps to forgiving yourself and breaking free from the past / Everett L. Worthington, Jr.1st Edition.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references.
eISBN: 978-0-307-73152-4
1. ForgivenessReligious aspectsChristianity. 2. Self-acceptanceReligious aspectsChristianity. 3. RegretReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.
BV4647.F55W67 2013
234.5dc23

2013004406

v3.1

To Kirby, who modeled what it takes to break free from self-blame and shame and inspired me to learn to love God better. I dont deserve you.

To my children, the people at Christ Prez, and my friends at VCU, who have believed in me and provided needed, persistent support. I dont deserve you either.

To my colleagues, who are graduate students, professors, and counselorsand also are my friends. I cherish our mutual learning about forgiveness and virtue. There is no way I could deserve such wonderful colleagues. I am grateful that the Lord has provided abundantly.

Forgiveness is hard; we all know that. What comes as a surprise to many of us is this: forgiving yourself can be much harder still. When you are the wrongdoer who needs to be forgivenand you are the one who needs to forgivea struggle results that has few equals.

In Moving Forward you will learn research-proven steps to forgiving others and yourself. The steps also have been tear-tested in the difficulties and darkness of real life and worked through in the counseling room. As we work through the six steps in the chapters that follow, you will gain life-changing insight into your nature as a person. And you will discover a number of truths about yourselfthings you might already have suspected but werent yet prepared to take a close look at.

The truth about you (and all of us) is hard to accept, but its powerful and life changing when you do face it and engage with it. The truth is this: you are more flawed than you can imagine. But, miraculously, you also are far more valuable and more cherished than you can imagine.

Youand everyone elseare a contrast of flaws and unspeakable value that is difficult to fathom. But when you do get it, and I finally got it as I moved through my own struggles, the breakthrough is a glorious shift in the way you live. So join with me to work through a process that will be much harder than you expect but will end with the freedom you have been seeking. You can live without self-blame and condemnation, without the familiar burden of guilt, and in a place where you can embrace the precious value of being a flawed person who is deeply loved by God.

The work that is required to reach self-forgiveness will seem daunting. And with good reason. It is more demanding than most of the challenges you will take on in life. But the difficult work eventually achieves a goal that few people reach. Self-forgiveness releases you from shame and self-condemnation and leads to freedom and long-lasting internal peace.

All of this begins with Gods recipe for self-acceptance, which is summed up as you are flawed, but precious. The real struggle in gaining meaningful victory over self-blame is not simply saying you are forgiving yourself. You can forgive yourself with full understanding and yet still feel just as guilty and ashamed of your misdeeds. The hardest strugglebeyond self-forgivenessis