Valorie Burton - Successful Women Speak Differently: 9 Habits That Build Confidence, Courage, and Influence

Writing a book is just one segment of the journey to getting it into your hands. The journey is more like a relay race in which many team members swiftly carry the baton that eventually reaches the finish line. I am grateful for the team of people who helped bring this book to fruition:

My editor, Kathleen Kerr. Your enthusiasm for my message, your thoughtful editing style, and calm, encouraging spirit are powerful and energizing. Thank you for the care and zest with which you tackled this project. I appreciate you so very much.

My literary agent, Andrea Heinecke, as well as the entire team at Alive Communications. Thank you for believing so firmly in my work and for your insights and guidance. It is a joy to work with you and hammer out ideas!

The entire team at Harvest House, including LaRae Weikert, Brad Moses, Bob Hawkins, Betty Fletcher, Christianne Debysingh, Jeff Marion, Aaron Dillon, Ken Lorenz, and Sharon Shook. Thank you for all you have done to bring my books to so many people around the world. It is a blessing to work with such dedicated, fun, conscientious people!

My publicist, Ben Laurro, of Pure Publicity. Thank for you being so persistent in promoting me and my message for more than a dozen years. I truly appreciate your tenacity, hard work, and spirit of service.

My team at Inspire Inc.Wade, Alexis, and Leone Murray. What a blessing it is to work with people who have my back, love this work, and just happen to also be my family! It is amazing how God works. Thank you for working tirelessly every day to help me help others experience their potential. I love you.

My husband, Jeff, and our children, Sophia, Addison, and Alexander. Thank you for giving me the love and support that makes life so full of joy and meaning. And Jeff, thank you for always being a willing sounding board for all of my ideas (good and not so good), for late-night chats, and for enduring the stress of my deadlines! You are as patient and enthusiastic and understanding a husband as I could ever have asked for.

Key Lessons

Showing people you care leads to greater influence over their lives.

Focus on what you have in common with others to grow your relationship with them.

Your degree of optimism can shape your future success.

W hat is influence? And how much of it do you haveat work, at home, or when faced with a situation you want to work in your favor?

Your influence is your capacity to have an effect on someones character, development, or behavior. Youve probably noticed some women around you who seem to wield more influence than others. People are won to their point of view more easily, seem to follow their lead even if they are not in positions of leadership, and clamber to get what they have to offer.

One could argue that influence has been womens secret leadership weapon over the course of history. Locked out of opportunities and official leadership titles, women of past generations had to creatively find ways to influence decisions and changes even if they did not have the authority to make those decisions. Even today, with so many more women in official positions of leadership than ever before, I have observed that many women who do not identify themselves as leaders are quick to acknowledge their own ability to influence others. If you influence others, you are a leader.

So just what do the most influential women do differently than other women? Do they really just speak differently? And if so, how?

Influence is largely about what causes people to say yes to your viewpoint, your request, or your idea. Lets talk about a few key habits that can transform your ability to get to yeswhether you want to be hired for a job, generate interest in a project, or get a team on board with your idea. These habits are showing concern for those around you, making people like you, and being generous with your approval, appreciation, and acknowledgments.

Showing Concern for Those Around You

It almost sounds too simple, but its a simple fact that caring leads to influence. Theodore Roosevelt famously said, Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

The people who show concern for you, who go out of their way for you and display an interest in what matters to you, are the people who are most likely to influence you. I once had a boss who handwrote personalized birthday cards to every employee in the company. It seems like a small gesture, and it is, but the positive emotions it created in each person strengthened the relationship between the leader and those who followed her.

Now, imagine for a moment that your boss remembers all of your childrens names and ages, routinely stops by your desk and asks about them, and then listens as you talk about them. Imagine that same boss tells you about a skill you need to develop and opens up an opportunity for you to be trained on that particular skill. Imagine there is a death in the family, and the boss has your company cater meals for your family after the funeral as a gesture of support.

All of these are real scenarios, and guess what? All the bosses who engaged in these acts of care and concern have fiercely loyal employees. They have employees who absolutely do not mind going the extra mile for their boss. They enjoy going to work and voluntarily suggest creative ideas that save the company money and increase sales. These bosses influence the behavior of their team not by telling them what to do differently, but by caring.

People are loyal when they feel they matter. Want more proof? The Values in Action Character Strengths Survey is a tool that helps you discover and understand your signature strengths. Your strengths might include teamwork, creativity, gratitude, or perseverance. It seems counterintuitive, but one of the most common signature strengths of effective leaders isnt leadership, but another strengthone hardly anyone would guess: The capacity to love and be loved.

What does love have to do with leadership? A whole lot, really. Who wouldnt want to follow a leader they felt personally cared about them? If you believe your leader cares about you, you can trust their leadership decisions. Youll go out of your way to support their ideas and bring their vision to life. Love is such a refreshing way to feel about a leader that you may even feel inspired. And the ability to inspire is another distinct trait of effective leaders. So if you want to influence a particular group or person, stop and ask yourself, Have I connected with them by showing my care and concern for the things that matter most to them?

Love speaks powerfully. Love influences.

There is probably no better demonstration of this concept than the church. Christians often believe that witnessing to nonbelievers by telling them about their faith is the way to win people to Christ. But talk is just talk. Your words may be heartfelt, gripping, and inspirational, but sharing your faith through your actions is more powerful by far.

The first Christians were eleven disciples and a handful of believers. But Jesuss followers multiplied, and today there are estimated to be more than 2 billion believers in the world. How did such a small number of people influence a faith to multiply so dramatically and endure more than 2000 years?

Historians point to one period in particular. Around 250 AD , the Plague of Cyprian, a pandemic now believed to be smallpox, swept through the Roman Empire. At the height of the outbreak, it is estimated that 5000 people per day were dying of the plague in Rome. It created a shortage of workers in agriculture and the military, causing both a famine in the land and a dearth in security. People left their own family members on the street to die in efforts to keep from dying themselves or losing other family members to the illness. It raged on for an unbelievable number of yearsabout two decades. And during that time, Christianity began to grow .