Earl A. Grollman - Straight Talk about Death for Teenagers: How to Cope with Losing Someone You Love

To N ETTA
D AVID , J OANNE , J ENNIFER, AND E RIC
S HARON , T HANIEL , A ARON, AND S AM
J ONATHAN , M ARSHA , R EBECCA, AND A DAM F OR THE MIRACLE OF LIFE AND LOVE
THAT UNITES ONE GENERATION TO THE OTHER

I owe so much to so many people that any listing will leave out someone. Therefore, I will first thank those whose names are not mentioned, but should have been. Thank you for your encouragement and advice. A deep, resounding appreciation for those who have read the manuscript and whose valuable insights are incorporated in the text: Mary Anne Schreder, Beverly Chappell, John D. Morgan, Deanna Edwards, Sally M. Featherstone, Joanne V.

Rovee, Donna Schurman, Sharon Grollman, Netta L. Grollman, Jennifer R. Grollman, Laurie Richardson, Elanna Chodin, Shirley Chodin, Nancy Evdoxadis, and Gerri L. Sweder. I would be remiss not to mention Susan Rosenburg, who helped prepare this book. To Wendy Strothman, my editor and director of Beacon Press, many thanks for skillful guidance and support.

How proud I am to be associated with Beacon Press, the publisher of a dozen of my previous books. Words cannot express my heartfelt gratitude to the hundreds of bereaved young people who have openly and willingly shared themselves at a very painful time in their lives. Their tragedies and triumphs are woven into the fabric of this book. All these people have been gifts in my life. I feel honored to have received their counsel, and I continue to be grateful for what I have learned from each of them.

I have spoken to thousands of students in middle schools and high schools about dealing with death.

These students often ask, How come when someone dies, people forget about us? Everyone is trying to help the little kids or the parents, but what about us? Dont we count? I dedicate this book to you, the forgotten mourners. May you better understand your emotions, manage your grief more wisely, and discover that although someone you love has died, you still want to go on living.

Theres an elephant in the room. It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it. Yet we squeeze by with, How are you and Im fine. And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather. We talk about work. We talk about everythingexcept the elephant in the room.
Theres an elephant in the room. We all know it is there. We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together. It is constantly on our minds.

For you see, it is a very big elephant. It has hurt us all. But we do not talk about the elephant in the room. Oh please, say her name. Oh please, say Barbara again.
Oh please, lets talk about the elephant in the room. For if we talk about her death, Perhaps we can talk about her life? Can I say Barbara to you and not have you look away? For if I cannot, then you are leaving me Alone...

In a room... With an elephant...
Terry Kettering

You face many losses during your life. Loss is something you feel when you become separated from someone or something you care a lot about. Perhaps one of your friends has grown distant. Or perhaps your family has moved to a new neighborhood. eventually. eventually.

Ending is the price you pay for beginning. Death is a different kind of loss. With death, there are no new beginnings, only a sad, sad ending. Just as you are struggling to make some sense of your life, you are now facing the death of a loved one. Its the hardest loss of allthat ultimate, unalterable loss. Nothing has prepared you for this.

With death, you may experience many crushing losses all at once: loss of trust: if a special person could die, couldnt it happen to you or a member of your family? loss of security: What will happen to you now? loss of faith: How could God ever let this happen? loss of opportunity: There is so much more you might have done together. loss of dreams: Life will never be the same. loss of identity: You thought you were starting to know yourself. Now you have more doubts than ever before. loss of purpose: The road ahead is so uncertain.

You are going through a grieving process.

Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. Buried grief can cause a war within you. It is like a time bomb ticking underground. When it does explode, it can do a great deal of damage.

The pain may be so powerful that you cant believe anyone on earth could possibly understand it. When people ask, Where does it hurt? you want to shout, EVERYWHERE ! Some teenagers say that its like having a tooth removed without novocaine. A poet from the nineteenth century, Henrich Heine, called grief a toothache of the heart. But really, there are no accurate descriptions. When will you feel better? No one can give you that answer. There is no timetable for how long you will hurt.

You cant measure grief in terms of a calendar. There is no correct way to grieve and no way to know how long you will grieve. Grief does not travel along a straight line and then fade away and disappear. There is no cookbook for grief. There are no recipes. You may have contradictory feelings at the same moment.

The experience of loss is uncharted territory. If only you could get your hands on some magic pills to achieve a miracle cure. There are no such pills. There is no easy way out. But remember this: You will eventually feel better. Maybe those who share your loss seem to be getting better.

Why not you? Why is it only you who feels such despair? Dont compare your suffering with that of others. You dont know their pain. They dont know yours. Discover your own needs and dont let others direct your grief. Allow yourself to heal at your own pace. The grieving process depends on many personal factors.

Your relationship with the person who died: Its like a wound on a body. Some cuts are mere scratches and heal rapidly; others are very deep, and need a long time to heal. You will be affected by how close you were to the person who died and how deeply your life will be altered. Your coping strategies: How you have handled emotional distress in the past. Your supports: Whether you have friends or family with whom you can openly share your anguish, who wont tell you how to feel, and who wont say that everythings okay when it isnt. Circumstances surrounding the death: A suicide, an AIDS death, a fatal crash caused by a drunk driver, a death after a lingering illnesseach produces a different grief reaction.

Your age, religious beliefs, and sex can influence the way you cope. The intense feelings of grief are scary. Yet they are real. Though teenagers experience death in different ways, there are some common landmarks along the journey of grief. Knowing about the process will help you understand some of the normal reactions. There is nothing wrong with you if you have some of the feelings described on the following pages.

Or if you dont. Give yourself permission to feel the way you are feeling. Feelings keep changing. Sometimes you may not even know what you feel.

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