Craig Lounsbrough - An Autumns Journey: Deep Growth in the Grief and Loss of Lifes Seasons

CRAIG D. LOUNSBROUGH

M.Div, LPC

Table of Contents

AN AUTUMNS JOURNEY

Deep Growth in the Grief and Loss of Lifes Seasons

2011 Craig D. Lounsbrough

All rights reserved

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 978-1-935507-58-1

Cover Design & Page Layout by David Siglin of A&E Media

Edited by Kacie Dalton

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Dedication

This book is the compilation of a two-year journey. Its hardly a summation, as grief and loss by their very nature continually shape us, always leaving some sort of sustained footprint. However, it does represent the journey as it was walked, felt, and engaged.

It would not have been a possible journey if it were not for the treasures Mom ingrained and rooted in the lives of her three boys through the immense sacrifices made in hers. Neither would this book have been possible were it not for her death, as that death forced me to draw from and lean upon those treasures. I therefore dedicate this book to Donna A. Lounsbrough, an exemplary mother in every way and manner. Thank you, Mom. I cant wait for that marvelously grand reunion.

The arduous and sometimes seemingly impossible journey of writing out my own grief and loss was motivated and sustained by my children. Their lives are an inspiration, a beacon that reminds me how good two young people can be and how much hope there is for the future. Therefore, I likewise dedicate this book to Cheyenne and Corey. Were it not for the two of you, this book would have never happened. You guys are the best!

Finally, a thanks to all of those at Ambassador International. I cherish your partnership and vision.

Introduction

Lossit triggers something irreparably deep and central to our humanity. It reminds us that life is both a journey and a battle. We would prefer life to be a journey only, if not a consistently joyous one. Loss reminds us that life is more often a battle that at times can be ruthless, encompassing, and devastating. In the throes of loss we are inundated with the sense that life was not supposed to be this way, but it is nonetheless.

Loss has been my unwanted and uninvited companion on many occasions, as it has been for each of us. But this one occasion rendered all my other losses as something a bit less biting and slightly less black in comparison. Certain losses are weighted in this manner.

Although somewhat weak physically for several years, Mom experienced a situation that resulted in a rapid and confusing decline in her health. This decline was drawn out over the period of a month and was interspersed with assurances that she would recover, followed by tangled questions and near-misses. In the end, death took her. That was to be the conclusion of the matter.

In the convulsions of that month, as well as the death that was to follow, there was a provoking yet compelling need within me that strove to make sense of this, to build into and out of this experience something that made the experience worthwhile and gave it meaning. It seemed more than loss: that within this time and this loss there lay priceless clues to life and doors to a deeper understanding regarding this journey that were all on. In time there emerged a profound richness that did not take away the pain or erase the loss. Rather, it provided something of inestimable value that seemed to be complete only if it were shared with others.

Over the next two years the book that you hold in your hands came together. It took those two years to fully understand, assimilate, hone, and sharpen the thoughts, perspectives, and bits of insight that lie sown in these pages. Hopefully they will take root in your life and your loss in order that you might see something grand in something grievous.

The first thoughts put to paper regarding my loss were those written on an airplane from Denver, Colorado, to Toledo, Ohio, on October 19, 2007. With a window seat affording me a spectacular view of autumn at 34,000 feet, the words below were penned as a eulogy that was read at my mothers funeral one day later on October 20th. This was the beginning of my journey with loss. Hence, it seems an appropriate place to begin this book as well. May God bless you, bring you hope, gather you into His greater plan and grant you balm for healing in the pages of this book.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Dear Mom,

At times like this, people tend to wax nostalgic, venerating those who have died. It is, I suppose, a courtesy to those who have passed, realizing that there is really no good sense in describing faults at the end. Rather, respect would dictate an honorable closure, granting the person dignity in death. Mom, I want you to know that the words that follow were carefully chosen, being written on behalf of your three sons with an intense commitment to celebrating the actual life that you lived, and doing so honestly as you would have wanted it. May these few minutes be pleasing to you, Mom, and may they represent yet another gift from you to the lives seated here today.

Mom, for the first time in the entirety of our lives, you are not here. The void is entirely new. It is an odd paradigm, knowing that you are running, racing, and resting in a place more glorious and perfect than our minds can hope to grasp. You are missed here. Yet if it were our choice, if your three boys had the power and authority to choose, even then we would not wish you here for you are truly home in a truly perfect and inexplicable way.

Mom, your voice here is now muted, heard only in our hearts, our memories, and throughout the grand halls of heaven. Even so, we hear it well. Your wisdom now arises from the many footprints you left across the landscape of our lives, examples that speak life and truth and love and ceaseless hope into both the barren places, as well as those places wonderful and lush that we walk through daily. Your touch is lost to us, those simple hugs from a simple woman who not only knew how to love, but how to express it in a way that made each moment warm and safe. It is one thing to be loved. It is quite another to know that you are loved. We knew and we know. We have lost so very much.

But, Mom, in the balance we have gained infinitely more. You have left a legacy in our lives, a legacy that embodies integrity, honesty, and tenacity. A legacy that boldly, even brashly, believes that God always provides, always cares, always knows, and is an ever present source from which every need will always be met. You helped us understand that life ebbs and flows, sometimes magically and sometimes cruelly. Life at times invites us to a grand dance; at other times it seems to slam us to the dance floor, leaving us cringing and bleeding. Life pours into us, and then draws out of us. The sun at times warms us, and then the hail pelts us. In whatever form it takes, you taught us that God always prevails, that there is always good, that it will always, always work out. And it always did.

You left us an understanding that life is more than some daily routine, or the achievement of tasks either great or small. Life is about living well, living with respect, living in a manner that adds rather than detracts. It is not about pretending things are well or being Pollyannaish. You taught us that life is about understanding that things will not always be fair nor will life necessarily be just, but in the hands of God it will always present us with opportunities to learn about ourselves, to grow, and to add something to those around us.