Sandra A. Crowe - Since Strangling Isnt an Option: Dealing with Difficult People--Common Problems and Uncommon Solutions

Since

Strangling

Isnt an Option...

Dealing with Difficult
People
Common Problems
and Uncommon Solutions

Sandra A. Crowe, M.A.

A PERIGEE BOOK

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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Copyright 1999 by Sandra A. Crowe, M.A.

Foreword copyright 2007 by Sandra A. Crowe, M.A.

Cover art and design by Ben Gibson

Text design by Tiffany Estreicher

Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following sources for permission to reprint the material in their control: CLOSE TO HOME copyright 1997, 1998 by John McPherson. Reprinted with permission of UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE. All rights reserved. Speed Bump copyright 1998 by Creators Syndicate, Inc. FRANK AND ERNEST copyright 1996, 1997 by Tom Taves.

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First edition: October 1999

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Crowe, Sandra A.

Since strangling isnt an option : dealing with difficult peoplecommon problems and uncommon solutions / Sandra A. Crowe.1st ed.

p. cm.

ISBN: 978-1-101-66223-6

1. Interpersonal conflictI. Title.

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This book is dedicated
to those who live
from the highest.

Recently, I was speaking with a client about her boss, whom she described as worthy of strangling. When I asked what behavior had led her to that conclusion, she recounted an incident that said it all. Shed had a meeting with her boss at 2:00, and she arrived at 1:58 and 30 seconds. But when her boss looked at the clock and saw there was a minute and a half left to go, she said, Youre early. Come back at two. My client, feeling disregarded, dishonored, and downright disappointed, huffed subtly and went back to her desk to wait out the last minute in her office.

This kind of difficult, controlling behavior is a reflection of the times we live in. In the eight years since this book was originally published, much in our world has changed: the assault of September 11 on our country and the ensuing war in Iraq, the ever increasing rapidity of technology and the demands it puts on us, the threat of global warming, and the uphill business that seems to overtake our lives. This onslaught of external and internal stress leads people to look for ways to control situations and the people in them to the fullest extent possible.

One of the root creators of difficult behavior is stressors (financial, time, health, etc.). When the ability to cope with those stressors gets compromised, the individual reverts to the most available emotional response, which is usually negative, curt, or even offensive. When the behavior repeats itself, the recipe for difficult behavior has been set. We are in that game at the carnival where we keep getting dunked and we cant get back up fast enough. Our lives throw us back in again. Not only do we develop shorter fuses as a result of the inability to control the world and our lives, but everyone around us does as well.

But there are still aspects of life that are very much under our control. As we look to put the brakes on global warming for the planet, we can do the same with the internal warming and intensity of our relationships. Now more than ever we need strategies to help us deal. The principles in this book will help you cope in your personal and professional lives. If we see our relationships as reflections of ourselves, then dealing with others personality differences is in effect healing us. But we cannot do this without awareness. If nothing else, that is what this book promisesthe ability to name, pinpoint, and understand where difficult behavior comes from and what to do about it.

It is my heartfelt desire that this book will help you see your concerns with new eyes. I hope this reading journey leads you out of the strangling frustration of dealing with old perceptions, and into the freedom you long for. In the process, those difficulties will shift, not because others did, but because you did.

Blessings for creating the healthy relationships you deserve.

Sandra A. Crowe

Bethesda, MD, 2007

Its 1983. Ive just graduated from UNCChapel Hill (Yes, Michael Jordan was also there but he doesnt talk about it) and Im headed for Africa, where I will spend the better part of a year. In Africa, my boycott of malaria vaccines finally catches up with me, and I come close to meeting my maker. So I head home to Charlottesville, Virginia, to recuperate. When Im back on my feet, I set out for Washington, D.C., in search of a job that will pay my way back to Africa. I waitress, serve a stint as a court reporter, and learn the catering business. Finally, I give up on Africa and decide to take on the world of advertising.

Armed with a cardboard dummy and an idea, I trudge round and round Dupont Circle, cajoling and coaxing store owners to buy space on my cardboard. I promise to transfer their ads onto state-of-the-art place matsthe answer to all their advertising problems. It works. My first place mat sells out in days. I hawk my place mat idea for a year and a half. Now Im bored.