Lilley - Dealing with Difficult People

This book is all about dealing with difficult people. Get it? Not difficult situations or difficult issues. Its the people we are focusing on. Certainly difficult people will give you a bad time, horrible situations and awkward issues to overcome. However, at the centre of it all are the people. By understanding people, how they tick, what they think and why they act like they do, we can avoid the bad times and horrible situations, and overcome the awkward issues.

If we plant some seeds and the flowers dont bloom its no good blaming the flower. It may be the soil, the fertilizer, not enough water? Who knows? We just find out what the problem is and fix it.

If we have difficulties with our families, the people we work with or our friends, whats the point of blaming them? Figure out the reason and then fix it.

Yes, you! Before you can think about dealing with difficult people, lets start with you. Are you difficult? Are you the one out of step? Are you the one with the problem?

Heres some bad news for you: nice people are not always like you! Yes, yes, I know the world would be a much simpler place if everyone was like you, but theyre not. They will have different backgrounds, different education, different perspectives and different ambitions. They will be motivated differently and think differently. And they can still be nice people!

Really difficult people are most likely to be selfish and inwardly focused. They wont give a toss about you. For them, its all about them. So, dont let them get under your skin.

So the number one rule in dealing with difficult people is:

Dont take it personally!

OK, so what do you do? Easy. Ask yourself this question:

What do I want to get out of this encounter?

Decide, in advance:

what is the purpose of the encounter;

what are the key results you want to achieve;

whether you need to change your behaviour to get the most out of the encounter.

This doesnt mean you have to let a rude pig trample all over you. But it does mean you dont get into a bare knuckle fight.

Someone been rude to you? Try this: Im not sure quite what you meant by that remark. Can you explain it to me please? It usually means they will tone down. As they calm down, dont forget the please!

Think about it! The brutal truth is they dont care about you.

This may come as something of a shock, but there arent too many people out there who care too much about you. Theres your mother, she probably still loves you; family, partners and a few friends, maybe. But, when push comes to shove, youre on your own.

How we treat each other is largely a product of how we feel about each other. Most folk start off neutral, some downright antagonistic, but the fact is most people couldnt care less about you.

It gets worse! Difficult people dont care about you at all. They care about themselves. They are into them, in a big way. Thats why theyre difficult.

What can you do about it? The brutal answer is not much! It is very unlikely that you will change them. Why bother? There is a much easier way.

Remember this: Difficult people are predictable people.

Avoid having a row. If you can, dont argue. Settle a dispute by looking for a higher authority that is neutral. A rule book, systems protocol, service manual or company policy may provide the answer. Dont get personal.

That simple fact makes your life much easier. How many times have you heard folk say Oh, dont bother with him, hes a misery. Or Dont ask her, she finds fault in everything.

You see, difficult people are not just difficult with you. They are into themselves and are, usually, difficult with everyone. Predictable is easy. You can prepare for difficult people, you can plan for them, you can plot, scheme and collude against them. They are stuck in their ways. All you have to do is manoeuvre.