Howard Fradkin - Joining Forces: Empowering male Survivors to Thrive

I have found that connecting with a community of male survivors has been vital to my healing. The Inuksuk symbol on my shirt is a Inuit stone structure traditionally used for navigation. May the guiding stones on my shirt help you dare to dream you, too, can recover! Designer: Archie Sarafinovski, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

I am honored to be joined in this book by a group of men who are alumni of the MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery. Some of their partners have also agreed to share their hearts and experiences with you. Hearing their stories will further your healing process by increasing your awareness of the community of men who have shared your experience and transformed their lives. There is incredible healing power in knowing that you are no longer alone and that others have experienced many of the same feelings and struggles. If you can believe that these men and a whole group of other male survivors stand ready to join forces with you on your journey, you can empower yourself not only to survive your abuse, but also to one day thrive.

While some of these men and their partners have granted permission to use their real names because doing so empowers them, others prefer to use a pseudonym, and I have honored their wishes. All of these men and their partners dedicated months of their lives to answering questions about each chapter. Look for their wisdom woven into each chapter and sometimes in sections of the book called Silence Breakers Best Advice.

The Silence Breakers

Now, I will present the 20 alumni who have agreed to share their stories of recovery with you in their own words. Later, I will introduce eight of their spouses or partners. They have agreed to write their stories because they want to be part of your healing, and they want you to join their community. I will refer to them as the Silence Breakers throughout the book. I will introduce them to you in alphabetical order.

Namaste (a greeting commonly used in India and yoga circles), I am Alexander, a 42-year-old black male living in the South. I am that which God is; I do not attend church or claim any denomination, religious organization, religious dogma, or doctrine. I am an author, orator, and survivor of the horror of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my father, his drug dealer, and two of my male cousins. My abuse started when I was 3 years old and finally ended when I left my hometown at age 18 and moved out of the state. I pray that from what I have to share, you can take love, hope, and a vision for yourself, knowing that you can heal your life and your current situation.

Hi, my name is Bruce. I am a 45-year-old gay professional man from Toronto, Canada. When I was 13 to 14, my assistant basketball coach, who was also a medical doctor, abused me. I was silent for many years because I feared no one would believe what happened. For such a long time, I lived a confused and dysfunctional life trying to find out who I really was and trying to understand if I was a useful member of society. Today, after dealing with my childhood sexual abuse, I am in the drivers seat for the first time in my life, and it is simply amazing. Life is not perfect or without challenges, but its moving rapidly in the right direction. You can do it, too, if you just take a chance. The people I have met on this journey have been simply amazing and worthwhile.

Hi, Im Chris, age 43. A neighbor some five or so years older than I was abused me when I was between 10 and 12. Ive been as close to death as anyone might want to be, but Ive continued to push through the pain in order to create a new outlook, one thats not filled with self-doubt and destruction. I am a survivor, and Im not alone anymore. Im proud of who I am now, and stronger because of the men and women survivors Ive met along the way.

Hi, my name is Christopher. I am in my mid-30s and have been on the healing journey now for about five years. It took a long time for me to figure out that the root cause of most of my difficulties (anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, difficulty forming close relationships) was related to the time when a guy from my neighborhood did that stuff to me. I hope you will find help and encouragement in these pages. Its possible to heal and create a life that you never even dreamed possible.

Im Coach, a 49-year-old self-employed man living in the western United States and a survivor of early childhood sexual abuse. I started my recovery in my early 20s; however, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have developed friendships with other male survivors. I hope that my perseverance and faith in God inspire you as you strive to reclaim soul, mind, and spirit restoration.

Take a moment now to check in with yourself. Take a few slow, gentle breaths. What feelings are you having? What thoughts are going through your head? If you were in the room with these five men, what would that be like for you?

I have asked each Silence Breaker to offer you hope, because I know how difficult being hopeful can seem in the beginning of your recovery. Youve heard from these first five men that they, too, struggled at the start, but each of them is now in a very different place. Some of their abuse went on for years and from a number of perpetrators. Others had only one perpetrator, but the effect was similar.

Hi, Im Gregg, a 28-year-old gay black man. From the ages of 7 to 16, I was mentally, physically, and sexually abused by friends and family members. I also was raped by a police officer as an adult. I am trying to find my way in this world, and its going slowly and painfully, but before I die, I will get there. Its not an easy road, but you just have to keep putting one foot on the floor, knowing that just getting out of bed each day is 90 percent of it.

Hi, my name is Howie. I am a married 35-year-old male living in Florida, and I am a survivor of childhood incest. Although the abuse was done playfully, the effects have had a major impact on my life. While I still struggle, I have been able to work through much of the shame and pain associated with the abuse. I hope to continue my recovery, and I wish for all who are reading this to be able to start their recovery if they have not already done so, or continue their recovery in order to live a happy, healthy life.

My name is Jarrod Noftsger, and I am a 45-year-old university administrator and lecturer in the Midwest. I am married to my wife of 20 years and have two boys, ages 13 and 15. I started active recovery in therapy when I was 42. The ride of the last 36 months has been marked by debilitating lows and exhilarating triumphs. With the help of a skilled professional, I am successfully navigating the troubled waters of my childhood and the sexual abuse that disproportionately shaped my life. I am proud of the fact that I have shed the shame that locked me in isolation for over 30 years, and Im proud to serve as an example that recovery is completely possible.

My name is Joe Hanbury. I was born in 1965. I grew up in Los Angeles, where I currently live. I was sexually molested primarily by males but also by females. The first occurrence was when I was 5 years old, and the last occurred when I was 14. Continuing to work through these issues helps me to become more of the open, free-spirited person Ive dreamed of being. Instead of expending energy on keeping up a guard, I use that energy to make more and deeper connections with others. Know that there are people who are capable of listening to your story. It really does matter that you tell your story; it benefits you and the people in your life.