Stassi Schroeder - Off with My Head: The Definitive Basic B*tch Handbook to Surviving Rock Bottom

Off with My Head

The Definitive Basic B*tch Handbook to Surviving Rock Bottom

New York Times Bestselling Author

Stassi Schroeder

Gallery Books

An Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

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New York, NY 10020

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Copyright 2022 by Nastassia Schroeder

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Gallery Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Gallery Books hardcover edition April 2022

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Interior design by Jaime Putorti

Illustrations by Hannah M. Brown

Jacket design by John Vairo Jr.

Jacket photographs by Koury Angelo

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Schroeder, Stassi, author.

Title: Off with my head : the definitive basic bitch handbook to surviving rock bottom / Stassi Schroeder.

Identifiers: LCCN 2021035010 (print) | LCCN 2021035011 (ebook) | ISBN 9781982142551 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781982142568 (paperback) | ISBN 9781982142575 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Schroeder, Stassi. | Women television personalitiesUnited StatesBiography. | Vanderpump rules (Television program) | Reality television programsUnited States. | Self-realizationHumor.

Classification: LCC PN1992.4.S295 A3 2022 (print) | LCC PN1992.4.S295 (ebook) | DDC 791.4502/8092 [B]dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021035010

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021035011

ISBN 978-1-9821-4255-1

ISBN 978-1-9821-4257-5 (ebook)

For Hartford,

you saved me.

T he only way I can accurately describe the year 2020 is that, for the most part, it felt just like the final season of Game of Thrones. Yes, Im still talking about GOT long after the show ended and everyone has now moved on to Bridgerton or Emily in Paris or whatever. Ive seen all those tweets telling me to get a new television show shtick, but I am still not over the final season of Game of Thrones, and I may never be. Just let it be, people. Let me live out loud, even if Im talking about this show for the next forty years.

Before it all went to hell, the year 2020 was going to be the best year of my life. I was going on my second national podcast tour, where I wore bedazzled tuxedo jackets and met amazing fans across the country. I was finishing my second book, which was going to be full of career and life advice about living your most badass basic bitch life. I was still on Vanderpump Rules, and we had big things planned for the show, but we all know how that turned out. I was also planning a fall 2020 wedding, but we all know how 2020 weddings turned out. Shout out to all my Covid brides. I see you, bitches.

To top it all off, I had also just sold the rights to Next Level Basic to turn it into an animated series (so major!). Besides getting engaged and being on top of the world career-wise, I bought a house for the first time, and I was busy morphing into a Bridezilla and planning my dream Italian wedding. 2020 showed so much freaking promiseso I probably shouldve known better. I should have read the signs. That shit was way too good to be true. With GOT, the final season was supposed to be the best season, right? Daenerys was supposed to marry Jon Snow, and they were supposed to have a little baby Khaleesi who would be the future ruler of pretty much everything. But thats not what happened. AT ALL.

Instead, we were delivered the actual worst season of television in history, so much so that I have never seen our country more united and bonded in anything than we were with our collective distaste for the final season of Game of Thrones. Until I saw us all bonded in our stress over Covid. SPOILER ALERT: Daenerys did not give birth to a cute baby queen, and she did not marry Jon Snow. No, she burned down a city and got stabbed by her boo. BUZZ. KILL. And as if it couldnt have gotten any worse, Bran ends up winning GOT and becoming the ruler? Bran? Bran, the little weasel who was the literal cause of every bad thing that ever happened? He became the three-eyed raven and has psychic visions, and he doesnt use that gift to help his friends or family? What is your deal? I cant. I. JUST. CANT. And that is exactly how I feel about 2020. There would be no magical Roman wedding for us in 2020. My tour was postponed one month in. Seriously, I was in Bensalem, Pennsylvania, about to go to my meet and greet before the show. I was putting on my glitter eyeshadow, and I was actually mid sparkle stroke when I received a call that the tour was canceled and I was to be flown home because of Covid.

I packed up my glitter and got on a plane two hours later, and that was the end of my national tour. Forever. My semi-not-quite Beyonc moment was dunzo. That was tough to take, but little did I know that I was about to be a whole lot more dunzo in a mere three months. Like the most dunzo you could actually ever get besides passing away. CANCELED AF. Squared. Times a million. And squared again. Im not saying I deserve sympathy or pity. I know I brought a lot of this on myself. I am just here to give the facts and share my math skills.

Yep, as you probably know since youre reading this book, I was canceled in 2020 again. I do fully understand my part in all of this, and I am truly, deeply sorry. I also know that for some, sorry is just a word, and that I am not owed forgiveness by anyone. I realize that I hurt people like Faith, who you will hear more about, and though Ive grown and learned from my mistakes, I realize there may not be forgiveness out there, and thats your prerogative. I can only tell my story, as honestly as I can. Ironic tidbit? A week before I got canceled, I was recording an episode for Katie Maloneys podcast Youre Gonna Love Me, and she asked me about the first time I got canceled, for remarks and photos I shared that, looking back, were insensitive and wrong. I wrote about this in Next Level Basic, but several years ago I posted a photo on Instagram with the caption Nazi chic (my initials are SS, and those initials were on my outfit, and well, I added an offensive hashtag as a poor attempt at a joke). I also made comments about the #MeToo movement that I quickly regretted, and learned from. Then there was an Oscars podcast where I said that all lives matter. All are examples of extreme ignorance. I was living a life of privilege where I never even thought about how jokes or comments like that would affect other people. I felt and still feel so strongly about how wrong I was, and clearly I still had a lot to learn. Kind of like Marie Antoinette, only instead of getting the chance to learn from her mistakes and step back and recognize her privilege, she had her beautifully coiffed head chopped off. (For this reason, Ill be referencing her a lot in this book.)