Stassi Schroeder - Next Level Basic: The Definitive Basic Bitch Handbook

Thank you for downloading this Simon & Schuster ebook.

Get a FREE ebook when you join our mailing list. Plus, get updates on new releases, deals, recommended reads, and more from Simon & Schuster. Click below to sign up and see terms and conditions.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP

Already a subscriber? Provide your email again so we can register this ebook and send you more of what you like to read. You will continue to receive exclusive offers in your inbox.

We hope you enjoyed reading this Simon & Schuster ebook.

Get a FREE ebook when you join our mailing list. Plus, get updates on new releases, deals, recommended reads, and more from Simon & Schuster. Click below to sign up and see terms and conditions.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP

Already a subscriber? Provide your email again so we can register this ebook and send you more of what you like to read. You will continue to receive exclusive offers in your inbox.

For Beau

thank you for encouraging me to own my basic bitch every single day.

F irst let me say, despite what you might think if youve seen me on Vanderpump Rules I am not an authority on life what-so-fucking-ever. But I am a premiere authority on being basic AF. Im opinionated and judgy (which is one of my main skills, and if they gave out Academy Awards for judginess I would definitely need a trophy room), so I have some pretty strong opinions about whats important in life: ranch dressing, ghost tours, cocktails, hangover patches, hot dogs, actual dogs, the perfect pair of Loubs, Game of Thrones , and Ouija boards, to name a few things.

In my experience, theres nothing more boring than people who take themselves way too seriously (I live in LA, so I should know). This book is for everyone out there who is tired of pretending of the world, who know that the best way to get over a breakup is to assert your authority and coerce people into doing things for you (in 2019 that means having them buy you pizza and wine), and express your rage by any means necessary (in my case, that means singing show tunes at the top of my lungs). Ive survived some very public and dramatic breakups, often with a camera crew documenting the entire before and after, so you could say that getting through them is one of my specialties.

So, no, Im not ever going to be featured on Goop or give a TED Talk, but I do know some things. Like, lets be realeveryone wants to look good AF on Instagram, and I can help with that. Most people would secretly rather eat the best hot dog on the planet than eat $26 roasted heirloom baby kumquats with a foam framboise reduction (and I can help with that too!). All humans have basic tendencies, and I am the living embodiment of a human who embraces her inner basic bitch, with pride.

In this book, Im not going to share deep life lessons about finding myself during an (expensive) ayahuasca ceremony in the Amazon or feel-good stories that make it seem like I have it all figured out. This is me getting real, raw, and taking my basicness (and hopefully yours) to the next level, because embracing those tendencies can give you the confidence to speak up and do things you might never attempt if you were hiding your truest, most basic self. Reading this book will be like catching up with your honest, and yes, slightly bitchy friend. I will tell stories about losing my virginity, totally screwing up on social media, and learning that I dont know shit about lifewhich is a pretty good lesson to learn in your twentiesand how not everything can be solved by bingeing on Taco Bell. Ill explain what not to do on Instagram or Twitter (like, everyone knows that picture of you sleeping is really a selfie). Ill tell stories about being basic AF in high school, and then basic AF in my twenties, and Ill reveal embarrassing and true moments from my life (because not everything ends up on Vanderpump !) that prove that being basic 2.0 takes guts. I mean, you have to be kind of brave to live in foodie LA and admit that hot dogs and Cool Ranch Doritos are among your favorite foods. But YOLO, right?

I hope you can read this book and not only have a laugh and a little departure from the stresses of your everyday life but also feel like you can relate. We need to take back the joy of being basic and wear it as a badge of honor. The next time you go on a first date or meet a new group of people, I hope you feel comfortable being exactly who you are and that you dont worry about saying or doing the right thing, because there is no right thing. Except when it comes to charging your cell phone. People who run out of charge are the worst and they deserve to be slowly tortured with nipple clamps, and with this book I am going to prove it!

If youre not yet basic AF, Im not judging you. Well, maybe Im judging you a little. What I want is for everyone to embrace whatever theyre into, even if society or their boss or some asshole online says its lame. If you think chanting in a yoga class is the best thing ever, then good for you (even though it makes me want to gouge my eyes out with steaming-hot pokers). If you want to order the seasonal sugar-filled pumpkin-flavored whatever at Starbucks rather than some froufrou European drink, own your truth. Embracing your basicness can actually make you a happier person for one simple reasonbecause its fun . Its so much more fulfilling to bond with people over your shared love of, say, overplayed pop songs or astrology than it is to sit in a corner and act like a hater. It gives you a sense of community and bonds you with strangers in a world that can be pretty isolating and harsh. Its a lot more fulfilling to sing Sweet Caroline in a bar with a bunch of strangers than it is to pretend that you dont know the words, missing out on something thats fun, memorable (depending on how many shots you do), and social. Thats the essence of the Next Level Basic mentalitystop being a hater and enjoy yourself!

If your perfect day means a Kardashian marathon on the couch with an Aperol Spritz, that doesnt make you any less cool than the guy who spends his day home with his microbrew, listening to jazz (which sounds boring AF, BTW). Personally, Im tired of people feeling ashamed of what theyre into just because theyre afraid someone might make fun of their love of bedazzled ranch dressing bottles or because they watched Kylies ten-minute pregnancy video more than once. I mean, I did. And if you didnt, I bet youre tempted to google it right this second. Welcome to Next Level Basic.

Maybe you totally believe in the whole Mercury-in-retrograde thing (I do). Maybe you idolize Chrissy Teigen (who doesnt?). And maybe you really love the whole ros-in-a-can craze. So what if someone else says pink wine in a can is lame? Life is way too short to care what someone else thinks about what you think is cool, especially when it comes to something as personal as wine. So lets stop taking ourselves so seriously and get back to basicbecause I bet even Dame Judi Dench is probably out there at the local pub living her Next Level Basic best life. Lets follow her lead.

Since starting my podcast, a community of badass , smart, funny basic bitches has organically arisen. And those BABBs are called Khaleesis. I mean, its pretty basic to name Khaleesi as your fave Game of Thrones character, because she is kind of the ancient version of a basic bitch, with her platinum-blond hair and braids. So it only makes sense that fans of my podcast are named after her....