Rachel Goldsmith Turow - The Self-Talk Workout: Six Science-Backed Strategies to Dissolve Self-Criticism and Transform the Voice in Your Head : Six Science-Backed Strategies to Dissolve Self-Criticism and Transform the Voice

AS A CHILD in the 1980s, I would hear Whitney Houstons song The Greatest Love of All and feel confused. The greatest love of all sounded accidental and mysterious: the words expressed that the love was happening to her, but they also hinted that some sort of process was involved: The greatest love of all / Is easy to achieve / Learning to love yourself / It is the greatest love of all. But how was I supposed to learn to love myself when I felt pretty much the opposite? Good for Whitney, I thought, but I remained baffled by the idea that it was easy to start liking or loving yourself, as though choosing that attitude were as simple as putting on a new outfit.

I carried right on disliking myself, which took the form of constant self-criticism. It was easy to do. Academic, extracurricular, and social settings each emphasized peer comparisons, and there were always plenty of people who were smarter, more talented, more attractive, and cooler than I was. Self-criticism seemed like it might help me to identify and fix my flaws, to keep me motivated to improve, and to become more acceptable to myself and to others. Instead, the habit of self-criticism depleted me, leaving me worried and discouraged. When I finally wanted to develop more encouraging self-talkthe way that I treated myself inside my own mindI didnt know how to do it.

After experiencing a great deal of painful self-criticism as a child and as a young adult, I am lucky to have had a combination of personal and professional experiences over the past couple of decades that led me to form a completely different relationship with the voice in my head. Today, Im a clinical psychologist, which means that Ive had the privilege of sitting with hundreds of patients and observing the ways that their self-talk operates and improves. Im also a research scientist, which means that when I hear a claim about a way to transform self-talk or improve mental health, I hold off suggesting it to other people unless I find some quantitative evidence that it works. I want to make sure that the approaches that I recommend reflect well-designed scientific studies demonstrating their effectiveness for a majority of people. (Show me the data!) And Im a person who meditates, which means that Ive practiced different ways of relating to myself, my thoughts, and my feelingsover and over. In my experience, practice is fundamental. My self-talk didnt improve through insight or willpower but through the repetition of healthier practices.

Being kind toward yourself can seem both essential and elusive. I often hear people remark, I should really be nicer to myself, but also convey uncertainty about how to get there. The habit of self-criticism is often extremely strong; its often too pernicious to adjust through good intentions alone. People commonly criticize themselves many times a day for a span of years or decades, to the point where they regard self-criticism as a fixed characteristic (Im my own worst critic).