R. H. Sin - We Hope This Reaches You in Time

contents

Samantha King Holmes

r.h. Sin

section one

by

Samantha King Holmes

Im never really quite sure with you

Youve walked out on me multiple times

Now, I wait

Not for you to realize the damage youve done

Just for you to come back

To come down from the hate and resentment

you have stored in your soul for me

Why would you want to keep that? Keep me?

We talked about kids earlier tonight

I told you I wanted two, maybe three

Do you ever face yourself, the version of you that strangles all of the good out of me?

Knees hugging my chest

Tears streaming down my temples

Hands crushing into the waves of emotions

leaking from my eyes, as if thats going to stop it

The worst feeling in the world is to suffer in pain

and have no one to talk to

To truly be alone while your thoughts wander away with you into this abyss of self-pity and torment

You arent different. Told you that youd be right back here. They never really cared about you.

An inner monologue conveying its discontent

Some statements false, others true

Things that have come to light

Others that Im subconsciously aware of but dont want to admit

Trapped in a prison of overthinking

Theres a part of me that wants to fight, and the other part just wants a reprieve

Ive given so much already

You ever watch your joy slip through your fingers,

but no matter how much you clasp your hands together to save it, it keeps going?

Thats what it felt like to love you in the end

My hands are still aching

I want to write you the fairy tale

that life hasnt given you

Administer that peace of mind

Help you forgive yourself for all the times

you cried from believing in lies

Perilously giving yourself to another

If no one has told you

You should love yourself more

I cant stand the sound of my heart breaking again

So, I sing louder, dance harder, write with such a raw intensity

Anything to drown out the destruction

I just want to feel something besides constant disappointment

I crawled up beside you

You draped your arm over me and rubbed me until I fell asleep

Some people desire fame, some riches

I desire nothing more than a lifetime of

being cradled safely under your arm, freely dreaming

I dont know how to fix this

Pinpoint where it all started to go bad

The fights continue way into the night

until every jab is thrown

We depart from exhaustion

In the moment, we regret little of what was said

Drip by drip, it seeps in

The realization that this has gotten much worse than foreseen

Does Im sorry still work, or have we run that into the ground?

The prospect of not being right for one another looming

Theres no measurement for how much that hurts

The floor is worn from my pacing

Soul restlessly distraught from my obsessing

Love, I want no more of you

I resent what Ive allowed you to do to me

I willingly gave my all

Only to be left with the remnants of me

Devoured, you consumed me completely

Give me refuge from my craze

Let there be understanding where there was once anger

Let me be disciplined where I used to be impulsive

Let me be strong when I want to cave in and cry

Help me to forgive but retain the wisdom that pain has taught me

Give me solace when my mind knows no rest

Stop the self-indulgent need to seek vengeance

What I have allowed to diminish me thus far

doesnt deserve the power

I want to love life like I once did

None of us enjoys watching someone whom we care about be hurt. We go out of our way to make them smile, even if its just a little. We listen as they analyze a situation repeatedly, wondering what could have been done differently. We give advice, we see things differently, and in the end, we just want to make things better. The truth is it isnt always that simple. Sometimes we have to let people work things out on their own. Its better overall when someone has come to a resolution themselves versus feeling they were pushed into a specific direction. Sometimes people need to know that they arent alone and that they can lean on someone when needed.

When you finally start talking to the universe, you may be surprised what the response will be. Listen closely.

Figure out what it is that you want out of life and move in that direction.

People think I dont give a fuck about anyone. Theyre wrong; thats not the issue.

I care about way too many people who dont give a fuck about me.

If you let people tell you who you are

for too long, theyll look at you with

disgust when you correct them.

Be mindful of those who dont support you, but decide to support those who stand against you.

I will minimize your place in my life till your absence is no longer an issue.

Weve all been there. Feeling around in the dark for some kind of meaning. Feeling less and less like ourselves, depleted, drained. Always searching for something, a reason to be rooted to. I think we go through so much that we dont stop and process. We endure, but we dont stop and give ourselves time to take in what happened. We move on, push forward, until the next thing comes along and forces us to once again have something to work through. Stop for a second and let it all sink in. Appreciate where you are, how far youve come, and give yourself credit for what you made it out of. Just give yourself a moment to sit with things. Dont run from them.

You cant force someone to have the same vision as you. You cant force them to be on the same page. I think the goal is to find someone who understands that a relationship takes work and that it wont always be perfect, but it is more than worth staying in and working on.

Some people just take from your life. You give repeatedly, as if you have to prove something to them, and then one day, you stop. You realize that even though you may have their best interest in mind, you cant say the same for them. Its ok to no longer entertain people who dont make you feel good when youre around them.

We hold on to the potential of someone so strongly that we completely disregard whether they see that within themselves. We tell ourselves they will be better, that we will make them better, but never question why we have to or why we obligate ourselves to the task while disregarding the neglect we ourselves endure. Dont stress yourself out over trying to make someone else better while youre suffering.

Sometimes we stay with people because we tell ourselves that theyre the best life has to offer us. Its a reflection of how we feel about ourselves and what we think we deserve. There are other times when we let people break us down and manipulate us into thinking that no one else will love us or care. The best thing you can do for yourself is to not only know but also to love who you are so someone else cant come along and define your value.

Dont make excuses for someone not reciprocating what you give. You deserve someone whos supportive and brings you happiness. Filter out people who dont have a positive impact on your life.

The misconception that nothing has changed. I think thats the maddening part for us to wrap our minds around. The one thing we dont want to admit to ourselves. How did it get here? When? Why? All valid questions. Whats next? I think thats the scary part. Its having to come to terms with the fact that what we had in our mind of what this could have been and what the reality is are two different things. Dont cling to someone all for the sake of having someone. You deserve happiness too.