Judith R. Bernstein - When the Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter

When the Bough Breaks

When the Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter copyright 1997, 1998, 2011 by Judith R. Bernstein, Ph.D. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

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APPR

Design and photography by Tom McKeveny

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Bernstein, Judith R.

When the bough breaks: forever after the death of a son or daughter / by Judith Bernstein

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

E-ISBN: 978-1-4494-1500-6

1. BereavementPsychological aspects. 2. Grief. 3. ChildrenDeathPsychological aspects. 4. DeathPsychological aspects. I. Title.

BF575.G5B47 1996

155.937085dc20

96-33993

CIP

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Dedication

This book is dedicated with love to the memory of our children.

Contents

Except on occasions like this when I am called upon to bring the lens into sharp focus, I dont celebrate the act of breathing in and breathing out. I dont take the time to pay homage to the air that gives me life and tastes so sweet. Now is the time to do so, to pause and appreciate the extent to which my husband, Don, provides the atmosphere that allows me to flourish. His unconditional support and encouragement dispense the air I depend upon to sustain me. The arduous process of creating requires that sustenance as background, but his contribution to this book has been so much more than background. He has been a major contributor to the substance, from the interviewing, to the endless crunching of ideas, to the keen insights he invariably produced to lead me out of the dark corners in which I got stuck. I thank you, Don, for air, and warmth and light.

Robert McGrath, Ph.D., my beloved son-in-law, always available with advice and wisdom, generously lent his computer and technical expertise at whatever odd hours I ran into glitches. The title of this book is his inspiration. He is one of those giving people I feel fortunate to have in my life space.

Jennifer Goldberg Cole, graduate student and research assistant, conducted numerous interviews with sensitivity beyond her years. She spent hours in the library gathering data, books, and journal articles. Her help has been invaluable. Susan Borgaro read the manuscript in process. Her insightful comments helped reshape the flow and smooth out many rough edges.

Some children are gifted with sensitivity early in life. Such is the case with ten-year-old Alicia Mead Stirewalt, my sons godchild, who, listening to the adults wrestle with ideas for chapter titles, chimed in Despite the Sadness. Way to go, Alicia!

Special thanks to Rosemary Ravella, a chapter leader at The Compassionate Friends and tireless supporter of bereaved parents. She introduced me to other chapter leaders, thereby making it possible for me to get this project off the ground.

My deepest gratitude is to the parents who let me into their hearts and traveled back through their anguish in order to illuminate the path for others who come after to this rugged road.

I am blessed to have two daughters, their husbands, and my three magnificent munchkins who provided the love and support that brought me back to life. You nourish me. You give me sunshine each day and hope for the future. Deborah and Robert, Wendy and Steven, Megan, Max, Brian, I cherish you.

Judith R. Bernstein

My son, Steven, died on July 12, 1987. One day he was a healthy, gorgeous, bright, and loving twenty-five-year-old man at the gateway of his life. The next, he had a strange lump in his neck. Sixteen months later my husband and two daughters and I walked in a file to throw the ritual shovelful of earth into his grave.