Phil McGraw - Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out

To my wife,

Robin,

without whom I would not be living my best life;

and to my sons Jay and Jordan,

two amazing young men who humble me by being who they are;

and to my mother,

Grandma Jerry,

for making me feel special from day one,

and for showing me the true meaning of grace and courage under fire.

This book is also dedicated in memoriam to my father,

Joseph,

who never gave up and overcame tremendous odds to finally connect with his authentic self at the age of seventy-two.

T HE writing of this book has been a wonderfully transformative yet sometimes difficult experience for me personally. It has been an undertaking that I could not have completed without the help and support of a number of important and in some instances pivotal people in my life.

Thanks first to Robin, my wife and life partner of almost thirty years. Robin, you have been an inspirational and guiding force in my creating my own life from the inside out. It is your belief in and support of me that gave me the courage to step out and find my way back to my authentic self; back to being who I truly am instead of who others might want me to be. Without your spirit of adventure, I would to this very day be stuck in a life I did not want.

Thanks also to my boys, Jay and Jordan, for believing in and encouraging their dad. Both Jay and Jordan were at my side each day that I worked on this book. No messages of guilt, no long faces about the long hours, just support. That mattered greatly. Thanks boys for keeping me focused on what truly matters. In those times that I have found myself asking, Whats the point to all this scramble of life? I have only to look at the hope and energy in your eyes and the answer is clear. I pray that as an adult I meet the standard of who you already are as young men.

I especially thank Oprah, my dear friend and a tremendously positive pivotal person in my life. It was a specific conversation with Oprah, riding along a desolate Texas road in the dead of winter, that inspired me to commit to one day demystifying the concept of self and creating a real world map for people to use in getting back to authenticity. Oprah, thanks for continuing to raise the bar for yourself and for me and for working to make a difference, and thanks for pulling me back into the work I love. Thanks Oprah for being in my balcony and allowing me to be in yours.

Thanks to Jonathan Leach for the writing and organizational skills brought to bear on this book. I have yet to write a single page in this or my other books that Jonathan has not scrubbed, rubbed, massaged, and made exponentially better. You are, in my view, the best there is and you make me a better writer and, in the process, a better person. Thanks Jonathan for the late nights and long weekends. (To Jonathans wife, Linda, Sorry, but you can have him back now, at least for a while.)

Thanks to Dr. Frank Lawlis for all of your input on content and writing as well. Frank was my major professor in graduate school, supervised my dissertation, and generally kept me on track. He helped when it would have been easier not to and has been a lifelong friend. We often debate whether he taught me everything I know or just everything he knows! Either way, he is in my opinion the leading authority in psychology today and his insight and analysis in this book was invaluable. As one of the few psychologists to ever hold diplomat status in both clinical and counseling psychology, he brought an expertise to this work that gave me great confidence that my views were on target.

Thanks to Gary Dobbs, my partner, best friend, and godfather to my children, for your continuing support in everything I undertake in this life. You are invariably in my corner personally, professionally, and spiritually. Gary has long been on the shortest of short lists of pivotal people in my life and makes a huge difference each and every day.

Thanks to Jan Miller and all of her staff at Dupree Miller. Jan is the literary agent in the world today and has committed her energy and already unrivaled career to getting my message into the hands of every person on the globe that can read! (Jan never shoots low!) You are an amazing and tireless cheerleader whom it is impossible to be around without getting hugely pumped! Thanks Jan for being the consummate agent and gilt-edge professional that never gets tired, but, more important, thanks for being a great friend and supporter.

Thanks to Dave Khan, my publicist/PR guy/assistant/friend/tennis partner/never-say-no/make-it-happen guy. Dave lives and breathes our efforts to impact peoples lives. Your gentle spirit and willingness to take the plunge so completely, contributed mightily to creating the space, time, and energy essential to completing this project. Thanks Dave for running interference while I wrote like a hermit.

Thanks to Scott Madsen, who wakes up every morning saying What can I do to help you do what you do? Again, a friend and supporter that created the space, time, confidence, and energy that enabled me to be focused on this project.

I also thank Carolyn Reidy, president of Simon & Schuster, for passionately committing to the creation of this work.

Last but not least thanks to Dominick Anfuso, my in-house editor at Simon & Schuster Source, for being so intimately involved with this book. Dominick, your input was invaluable and made Self Matters a much better book. Thanks Dominick, you are appreciated.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

P LATO

Somehow we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.

E LEANOR R OOSEVELT

T HE sun beat down relentlessly on the young man standing in the barren parking lot. There was not a breath of air, and the black asphalt was sticky and melting as it gave way to the afternoon heat. It radiated up into his face like a blast furnace. He wouldnt be here, using a pay phone, except that he was out of town and this was one call that absolutely had to go through an operator.

Over the years he had placed collect calls back home many times, but this one was entirely different. This time, he instructed the operator to be sure to emphasize that the call was from doctor, rather than mister. How strange it sounded to hear her say doctor in front of his name when his father answered at the other end. It was Dr. Son calling Dr. Dad, an achievement that had been so very long and hard in coming. Eleven years, to be exact. Three hundred hours of college credit, tens of thousands of pages read and studied, and hundreds and hundreds of all-nighters in preparation for nearly as many tests and exams. There had been miles and miles of long walks from the remote parking lots at the hospital, where students, interns, and residents were dog meat. More recently, it had been month after month of enduring the inescapable, acrid smell of Thorazine-laced urine on the psychiatric wards of the VA hospitalsome might say warehousewhere he had spent long days and longer nights treating (storing) the inpatients on those cold and desolate wards.

No less painfully, there had been the days, weeks, and months of dealing with a variety of insecure, emotionally interesting professors, many of them white-coated Napoleons who were all too eager to wield the power of their petty fiefdoms. Their torments had culminated in that unforgettable final year, when he had walked the halls at school and put in his time at the hospital, armed with a signed letter of resignation on his clipboard, daring just one more anal-retentive, power-hungry mentor-turned-tormentor to say so much as boo to him.

In spite of it all, and as surprised as anyone who knew him, here he stood. He remembered one of his favorite profs telling him he would never make it because he had an attitude and refused to kiss ass. He was told, You have too many options in your life to put up with this fiasco of dysfunction, you arent near desperate enough to tolerate the abuse! Yet here he was. One by one, the department heads had signed off on his final requirements, shaken his hand, and congratulated him on earning the highest degree in his profession. Doctorwow! He knew how proud his dad was going to be. This phone call would be a huge step closer to a fathers dream come true: father and son, both doctors, practicing together, side by side!