TJ Woodward - Conscious Recovery: A Fresh Perspective on Addiction

CONSCIOUS
RECOVERY

A Fresh Perspective on Addiction

TJ Woodward

Copyright 2017 TJ Woodward.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

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ISBN: 978-1-5043-9188-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-9187-0 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 03/07/2018

CONTENTS

DEDICATION

With profound respect and gratitude, I dedicate this book to my friend, mentor, and soul mate, Mary Helen Brownell. Through her selflessness, she helped me and hundreds of other people break the cycle of their addictive behavior. She literally helped change the world, one soul at a time. Her legacy lives on through my writings and my work.

We use all kinds of ways to escape - all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just cant stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.

Pema Chdrn , When Things Fall Apart

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

A special thanks to the spiritual teachers and addiction treatment professionals who have, directly or indirectly, assisted me in the process of writing this book.

I offer deep appreciation for the countless people doing great work in the field of psychology and addiction treatment, especially those who have been personally influential in my work, including Dr. Krista Gilbert, Roland Williams, Dr. Brigitte Lank, and Melissa Steve nson.

Additionally, I want to honor the spiritual teachers and authors who have had a profound impact on my life and on this work, especially John Bradshaw, Bren Brown, Eckhart Tolle, Pema Chdrn, and Byron K atie.

Finally, I am expressing deep gratitude for my friends and family, and heartfelt gratitude to my loving husband, Will Woodward, for his unyielding love and support, and for helping me to open my heart to a new way of b eing.

Editorial Assist ance

Reflective Exercises and Journaling Processes: Co-authored by Dr. Adriana Popescu

Developmental Editor: Dr. Adriana Popescu

PREFACE
MY STORY

Ive found that every spiritual advance Ive made was preceded by some sort of fallin fact, its almost a universal law that a fall of some kind precedes a major shift. An accident, a fire that destroys all the stuff weve worked so hard to accumulate, an illness, a failed relationship, a death or injury that causes deep sorrow, an abandonment, a serious addiction, a business failure, a bankruptcy, or the like. These low points actually provide the energy needed to make a shift in the direction away from an ego-driven life to one full of pur pose.

Dr. Wayne Dyer, The Shift

To begin, I am sharing my personal story, which took me from a life of struggle and addiction into a joy-filled, meaningful existence. A movement from loss to recovery, from darkness into light, from a sense of brokenness to reconnecting with my wholenessfrom an outer-directed life to an inner-focused way of being and seeing. I start with my story not because its unique, or even unusual, but because it is not unique. Its possibly a lot like your story. So, Im starting with my story in the hope that you will find in it things you can relate to and connect with. And from that point of connection, well follow the trajectory of our stories through the rest of this book, looking at addiction and its roots and then at how to untangle those roots to rediscover how to live our best lives.

Ive never met a happier child. You laughed all the time. Thats what my mother remembers about me. What I remember is lying on the ground in the back yard, looking, for what felt like an eternity, at a butterfly, in awe at its magic. How is all this life possible? What beautiful wings. How much detail must be here for it to fly? How did this come to be? Look at this tiny little body of this ant. Wow, it takes all those ants to build this pile that they call their home. I felt like the luckiest person alive.

I also wondered what the universe was like before life. Before animals, before insects, before plants evenwhat existed before them? I suppose I was wondering about consciousness before manifestation, the pure consciousness that children have an innate knowledge of. I was probably also asking why the grownups werent noticing life like I was, why they seemed to be so busy and so angry. But mostly I was filled with curiosity, presence, and awe. Looking back, I believe I was perfectly connected with truth of who and what I was.

Then I started to lose that truth, to begin believing that I wasnt enough, that I was broken in some way.

In first grade, my classmates and I had to change into our tennis shoes before recess. I didnt know how to tie my shoes, and the teacher said, You need to learn how to tie your shoes by tomorrow. She sent me home with a pair of shoes attached to a piece of wood. I remember, like it was yesterday, feeling stupid and less than because I had to carry this board home. So, I tried to learn at home. Im left-handed, and it was difficult, but by the end of that day I thought I had it down. However, when the time came for recess the next day, I couldnt do it. And everyone else could. I felt like everybody knew how to live life but me. This was one of the first times I remember feeling different than everyone else, and somehow less capable.

I remember another poignant experience. This happened when I was seven years old. I sat one evening with my mother and my sisters at the dining room table. As I sat there, I began to shut down. I dont remember what was said or what happened in that moment, but I do remember distinctly the sensation of being overwhelmed with fear, a sense of terrible wrongness, and then a closing down and a walling up. Two distinct thoughts came to me: This is not safe and I have given too much. Looking back, I can surmise that the circumstances of my life had finally overwhelmed my natural joy and resilience. I began to develop beliefs that I was broken or damaged in some way and that the world was not safe. These limiting beliefs were quietly erasing my deeper, instinctual truths. Maybe I was also starting to notice that I wasnt like a lot of the other boysI was more like many of the girls, and of course I didnt know what to do with that.

So, my experience at the dinner table that evening was the feeling Id had about the shoelaces, magnified a hundredfold: everyone knows how to do life but me. In that moment, I made a decisionto close down, put a barrier around my heart, to disconnect in some way. Of course, this was not a conscious choice, but it happened nonetheless. At that moment, I entered a world of toxic shame, in which I believed myself to be flawed and broken. In the process, I lost my curiosity and my joyI lost sight of my genuine self.