BY DR. KEVIN B. SKINNER
GrowthClimate, Inc.
2545 n. Canyon Rd. #210
Provo, Utah 84604
www.growthclimate.com
www.treating-pornography-addiction.com
Copyright 2005 by Kevin B. Skinner.All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews. For information address GrowthClimate, Inc., 2545 N. Canyon Rd. #210, Provo, Utah 84604AUTHORS NOTE: Throughout this book he and his are used for consistency and to maintain the flow of the book. However, the author recognizes that women, too, can become addicted to pornography.Caveat:Except for my own stories, all the characters in this book are composite characters drawn from my life experience and clinical work. Names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality.Published by:GrowthClimate, Inc.2545 N. Canyon Rd. #210Provo, Utah 84604www.growthclimate.comwww.treating-pornography-addiction.comISBN 0-9772208-0-XCover and book design by Stephen Hales Creative
To my magnificent seven: a wonderful wife
and six beautiful daughtersNo man
could ask for more joy than you give me.
Contents
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Appendix A: Appendix B:
Introduction
As John sat down in front of me, I knew the problem before he began to speak. His internal lights were out. He was spent. He had hit the proverbial bottom and was finally ready to admit that he needed help. As John started to tell his long history with masturbation and pornography, he was shaking. He had been dealing with strong sexual feelings for years, actually four years, before he hit puberty. He was tired of wasting so much time each day looking at pornography. He was tired of missing classes and work because he had been up all night looking at pornography. He simply couldnt deny it any longerhe needed help. He was living a lie; he had been living it for fifteen years. Nobody knew of the inner turmoil he was feeling. His parents were great people, but he didnt dare tell them that he was fantasizing, masturbating, and viewing pornography every day. He didnt dare tell them that he was looking at pornography for hours a day. His girlfriend wouldnt understand if he told her that he was looking at pornography every day while they were dating. He couldnt talk with his roommates because they had the same problems. He didnt know where to turn. He couldnt tell his parents, he didnt dare tell his girlfriend, and he was afraid to talk with his religious leaders.
John is one of the many men who have come to therapy seeking a reprieve from an addiction to pornography. Sadly, our society has created an environment where sex is pushed upon us from every angle. It is on TV, the Internet, billboards, in magazinesvirtually everywhere we look, sexual images are thrust upon us. While we are inundated with pornographic images, we dont have an outlet to discuss what these images are doing to our minds. One young man put it this way.
Growing up, my family didnt talk about sex. The only thing I knew about girls was that I had to show them respect. My dad reinforced this by yelling at me if I said or did anything disrespectful to my mom. When I got to college and my roommates were talking about masturbating in the shower and what they had done with their girlfriends the previous night, I was shocked. I had no clue such a world existed. My curiosity led me to start acting out too, and it didnt take long before I was just one of the boys. I talked about the same things and I was soon doing the same things with the girls I was dating. The problem came for me when I was exposed to pornography. From the first time I saw it, I got such a high off it that I was instantly addicted. I began viewing it every chance I could. Obviously, I couldnt tell my roommates that I had a problem; they would have laughed me out of apartment. I wouldnt tell my parents in a million years. Soon I became depressed and hopeless. I had violated my own belief and value system and didnt have anyone to talk to about my feelings.
When clients begin to tell their stories for the first time it is like they are unleashing years of pent up venom. They realize they dont have to continue to maintain their secret lifestyle. For the first time in their lives they are able to share their hidden secret. This is the beginning of the healing process. When the secret is finally disclosed and they dont feel judged or looked down upon, they realize that they have been hurting themselves for months and often years.
In the fall of 2001, a well-respected religious leader approached me and asked if I would be willing to work with some of the young men he was trying to help overcome pornography addiction. He said it was a growing problem and that he needed a professional therapist upon whom he could rely. Previous to discussing this possibility with him, I too had begun to see an increase in pornography related referrals. In fact, at one point the agency where I was working had eleven referrals to review during our staff meeting. Seven of the referrals were individuals struggling to overcome pornography addiction.
Since that time, much of the work I have done is with individuals and couples who have been deeply impacted by pornography and its insidious effects. Some have lost their spouse. Others have had to pull out of college because they couldnt focus on their schooling. Still others have been so depressed that they felt hopeless. Their lives are out of control and they dont know what to do to stop their own behavior.
What I want to say to those who feel hopeless and helpless is that there is hope. The journey may be long and intimidating but answers are available. The helpless and powerless feeling you are experiencing can be replaced by hope and joy. This workbook is an introduction to help the down trodden and weary break the cycle of pornography addiction.
I am not claiming that this book will stop the temptations or eliminate your desires to view pornography; that comes through consistent and persistent use of the tools that will be described in this book. This book will, however, provide the right tools to fight the battle. When these tools are incorporated into day-to-day living, the result is more confidence and hope that change is possible. By actively working on the principles discussed in this book, I know that the battle can be won. I have witnessed hope return to the lives of individuals who have felt trapped. I have seen confidence return where it had been lost. It is possible. My hope is that these principles will help restore energy and vitality into the lives of those who have had pornography drain the energy of life from their very souls.
May God bless you in your journey,Dr. Kevin B. Skinner, LMFT
Chapter 1:
The Creation of a Pornography
Addiction
I have heard many stories as a therapist. Sometimes I want to shake my head in disbelief. It is hard to fathom the awful things some people have to face. Such was the case with Eric. He grew up in a small rural town with his mom and stepdad. At age four he remembers hearing the constant arguing and fighting. His stepdad had pornographic magazines strewn all over the house and his mom was forever trying to prevent him from looking at them. However, she couldnt keep up; they were everywhere. As the arguments and fighting increased at home, Eric found satisfaction in viewing these pornographic magazines. They brought him comfort and excitement when he was feeling alone or sad. They became his safe haven.
