Published by:
KSkinner Corp.
199 N. 290 W. ste. 150
Lindon, Utah 84042
Copyright 2020 by Kevin B. Skinner, Ph.D.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted, reproduced, or utilized in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. Printed in the United States.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2019920384
Authors note: Throughout this book most of the stories come from individuals who have completed my online assessment or shared their stories with me as a counselor. This work would not have happened if they hadnt been willing to be vulnerable enough to open up and share their stories and challenges with me. I honor those who have been willing to come forward and say, I need help.
In order to protect the confidentiality of all clients and research participants, names and personal identifying information have been changed. In some cases, the author has also taken the liberty to combine cases to illustrate specific points.
This book should not replace medical or professional advice.
Dedication
It takes a lot of support from others to write a book. This book is dedicated to my wife and children who have encouraged and supported me throughout my long days and nights of writing. It would not have been possible for me to write this without their support.
I would also like to thank the many therapists who have read chapters from the manuscript and provided me valuable feedback. I honor you and the work you are doing.
Finally, over the past 25 years, I have witnessed so many men and women who have suffered in silence due to their sexual behaviors. As they have reached out for support and help, I have seen them face their demons. Their courage and willingness to say, I need help, has inspired me. I have learned so much from these individuals as they have engaged in their heros journey. I know their challenges have not been easy to overcome, but I respect them for never giving up. This book is dedicated to those who have reached out for help and those who will come after you who are looking for answers to the real-life challenges of sexual addiction.
Contents
PART 1
Treating Sexual Addiction, Taking Your First Steps Toward Recovery
PART 2
Developing the Foundational Skills for Long-Term Recovery
PART 3
How to Address the Barriers that Prevent Recovery
PART 4
Improve the Quality of Your Life
When Jacob sat down, it was clear he didnt want to be in my office. He had already seen two other therapists and was feeling like nothing would help him. His wife was ready to leave him, and I was his last chance. As I looked at him, it was clear he was worn out. He was losing everything. He was facing scrutiny at work because he wasnt performing. His business partner was threatening to buy him out. His wife was tired of giving him chances, and his children no longer trusted him. He wasnt sure it could get any worse.
Before our meeting, I had him take several assessments that were related to his sexual behaviors, sexual history, and mental health. It was evident by looking at the results that his sexual acts were controlling his life. He was depressed and had moderate levels of anxiety. He also reported very low on the life satisfaction scale that I had given him.
There are many professionals in my field that still question whether sexual behaviors can be addictive. However, if they had asked Jacob whether he thought he was a sex addict, he would have given them a look of disbelief that they could even ask such a stupid question. He would ask them to look at his life and how out of control he felt. He was on the brink of losing everything because he couldnt stop acting out sexually.
As we began talking, it was clear that he wanted my help. He hadnt found any success in his previous attempts at becoming sober, and he wasnt sure I could help either. In his past attempts at recovery, he had talked with his religious leaders, attended 12-step groups, and met with other therapists. The more we spoke, however, the more it became apparent that he had been making token efforts, but his overall day-to-day commitment to the recovery process had not been consistent. In other words, hed been going through the motions but never really engaged in his recovery journey.
After reviewing his assessments, I asked if he believed he could succeed. He gave me a look I will never forget. He was scared, and it showed. He was also angryangry at himself, angry at his wife, and angry at life in general. He didnt know if he could stop. He had been viewing pornography and having affairs for most of his marriage. His sexual behaviors had controlled him for so long that he honestly didnt know if recovery was a possibility for him.
It was at this point that I looked at him and said, I have been doing this for more than 20 years. I have seen individuals just like you rise from the ashes and reclaim their lives. I have studied the healing and recovery process, and I know you can succeed. My experience tells me you are a fighter. After all, I am your third counselor, and you have reached out to others for support. Perhaps the most critical question you need to address is, Are you ready to pay the price?
Healing is possible, I went on, but it will always come with a price. It will take time, and you will have to commit to learning new ways of thinking, feeling, believing, and behaving. It will require a strong commitment, and there will be days where you feel like nothing you do is helping. In the end, your recovery will be life-transforming. Recovery is so much more than just stopping your behaviors. If you are going to heal truly, we have to help you improve the quality of your life. Perhaps most important will be learning to develop a better, more meaningful relationship with your wife and children. Would you like that?
He replied earnestly, Yes, I do want that. I want to stop. And, if at all possible, I want to save my marriage. I want my children to trust me again.
For much of my twenty-five-year career, Ive had the privilege of working with individuals like Jacob, who have been trapped in destructive life-altering sexual habits (e.g., having multiple affairs, visiting prostitutes, etc.). I have observed the lives of individuals who are caught in an addictive loop. They have tried a few things to stop acting out, but nothing has stuck. I have seen the chaos these addictive habits have created. Most of those I have worked with are lost individuals whose lives have been out of control. Sadly, many have never been taught how to heal, nor have they been given the right tools to make their healing possible. They live for years with shame and guilt, wondering whats wrong with them. They struggle to realize their real value and worth. Unfortunately, nobody has helped them understand the process of change so they can experience a better way to live. I have found almost all who seek my help want to be free from the chains of addiction. They just dont know where to start.
During the past few years, I have helped individuals from around the world discover how to heal and reclaim their lives from sexual addiction. I have studied what successful people do in their journey to recovery. I have witnessed my clients change the quality of their lives and make significant life-altering changes. I hope that, as you read this book, you, too, will see a path to recovery and reclaim your life. However, I dont want it to end there. I want you to improve the quality of your life. My hope is that you will be better at relationships, find more joy in your work, and find that your overall satisfaction with life increasesthats what real recovery looks like to me.
