Joe Hammond - A Short History of Falling: Everything I Observed about Love whilst Dying

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H undreds contributed to the fundraising that helped return us from the top of a Portuguese mountain, to a settled life back in the UK. I wish I could name everyone.

Those mentioned below have supported family life in unique and imaginative ways. These are all people who noticed us and became the community we needed. They will always be part of our story.

Julia & Ed Banks, Xin & Jessie Zhu, Cinead OSullivan, Emma Collins, Paul Edge, Susan Edge, Jason Silk, Leigh Short, Kim Wilson, Sam Goodwin, Kayode Adeniji, Matthew Quint, All staff from ward E6 of Portsmouths Queen Alexandra Hospital, Roisin OSullivan, Mandy & Dennis OSullivan, Emma Gilgunn-Jones, Peter Lamb, Simon Lace & family, Lucy Elphinstone, The staff, student & parent community of Francis Holland School (SW1), Natasha Warne, Nicola Morrill & family, Kim Archer, Ashley Tong, Deborah Gosling, Helen Vickery, Sarah Wolverson, Phil Desmules, Sonja & John Doris, Manjeet & Russ Turner, Kate Fismer, Father Bernhard Schunemann, Mary-Ann Ridgeway, Yasmin Page, The staff & parent community of Inwoods Small School, Sarah Lowson, Mariamah Mount, Emma Ball, Nat Segnit, Louise Morley, Isabel Ferreira, Suzanne Cook, Simon & Victoria Cobden, Brian Sawkins, Heather Woodrow, Ellie Lloyd, Mary Goldberg, Stephanie Tyrer, Stephanie Pattenden, Miranda & Roderick Williams, Joel Cadbury, Orpha Phelan, Phil Williams, Anna Mayer, Tom Macken, Alex & Suz Crichton-Stuart, Elina Borin, Joy Coughlan, Andy Salter, Chris Weitz, Lilita Grinberga, Dan Gent, Guiseppe Rufini, Laura Camfield, Louise Cartledge.

H ow do you decide upon a day to die? For us, we had to find out when the doctors we needed were available; then we took note of the school holidays coming up, and finally we looked at the carer rota in place for that month. Who could we trust with Joes death as much as we had trusted them with his life? It was a ludicrous situation really.

The next step was a meeting with the relevant doctors. What incredible women they were throughout this whole, surreal journey. They asked us, How did we imagine the process might unfold during which Joe would receive a huge amount of morphine to sedate him enough that his ventilator could be removed? This was his wish to withdraw from the treatment that had been keeping him alive these last six months. We were bemused. What were the options!? Apparently, some people choose to watch television and the programme of choice for their final breath of life is Countdown. This gave Joe and me the giggles, and we said we thought wed manage without any more conundrums than we had already.

How do you mark the days before the final day of your life? My top tip (in case youre interested) is to keep it simple. Our daily lives arent fanfares and parades. In fact, the beauty of life is in all the tiny moments that are far more difficult to say goodbye to. The hand on a foot. The shared opinion on where the furniture should go. The stories of Tom and Jimmys day. The excitement at seeing a woodpecker. A small fragment of the many moments before that final day.

Why am I sharing this with you? Well, that day arrived and it was the bravest thing I have ever witnessed. But it was also transformational in my understanding and acceptance of death. Death is coming to us all and I feel there is some new, unteachable knowledge to be gleaned from Joes decision to allow it to come. To face it and know it. I think many peoples understanding of death is no more nuanced than a Halloween-style dread. I know mine used to be. In fact, I dont know whether my younger self would even have wanted to pick up this book! And Now? now, I am relieved: sad, but no longer scared.

Why did Joe end his life? Well, it would have ended at some point and this disease wasnt going to give up. Other people may have chosen differently, but for Joe life had to have meaning and his increasing isolation from the world and particularly from the boys meant that he did not want to continue, and he wasnt afraid of dying.

I dont know where he is now and that is hard, but I do understand that nothing really dies and that matter just transforms into other forms. Tom and I have discussions about atoms and wonder whether daddys atoms might just be dancing around us right now. No one knows for sure either way so why not?

When I first met Joe he was wearing cords, a blazer, a leather satchel and of course, his black rimmed glasses. He looked like someone who should be on University Challenge but despite this, I was drawn to him. It wasnt love at first sight it was curiosity and intrigue. To be honest, my immediate impression was that he might be interesting but he would be a bit wimpish, a bit wet someone who wouldnt want to take a risk in life.

I can tell you, very specifically, the ways that led me to fall so much in love with Joe.

1 When, after only knowing me a few days, he walked across Oxford to come and light a fire for me in the flat where I was living because I couldnt get it started and there was a power cut.

2 When I watched him dive into the sea and fling himself with such abandon and joy from cliffs and off the edge of waterfalls.

3 When we strayed from our boring package holiday to navigate the heavily armed guards at the Egyptian/Israeli border just to see what could be found on the other side. This was two days before the hotel we ended up staying in was bombed.

4 When we stood at the stage door of the Royal Court stalking the actress Lindsay Duncan to give her a letter and a script. She replied later that night to say she must perform his monologue and she did!

5 When we roamed the frosty back streets of Paris for hours without a map or any idea of which way to get back to our coach. I was less impressed by Joes determination to nurse some camembert cheese in his lap the whole 12-hour journey home, emitting frequent expressions of despair about its core temperature.

6 I fell more in love when I finally realised that I had to stop completing Joes sentences because although Joe thought and spoke far slower than me, in reality, he said more with much less and his brain interpreted the world in such a unique and beautiful way.

7 Then came the day when he asked me What are you thinking? I was perplexed. I wondered what I was supposed to say, but his manner and tone made me realise that he really wanted to