Gloria Chisholm - Forgive One Another: Moving Past the Hurt One Step at a Time

F ORGIVE O NE A NOTHER
P UBLISHED BY W ATER B ROOK P RESS
12265 Oracle Boulevard, Suite 200
Colorado Springs, Colorado 80921

Some of the stories in this book are composites of several different situations; details and names have been changed to protect identities.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Copyright 2000 by Gloria Chisholm

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House Inc., New York.

W ATER B ROOK and its deer colophon are registered trademarks of Random House Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Chisholm, Gloria, 1951
Forgive one another : moving past the hurt one step at a time / Gloria Chisholm.1st ed.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-307-78602-9
1. ForgivenessReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.

BV4647.F55 C45 2000
234.5dc21

00-035942

v3.1

To Merilee

I want to thank my agents, Andrew Whelchel and Jason Cangialosi, for their loyalty, support, constant encouragement, and, most of all, their belief in me as a writer and as a person.

I hardly know how to express my gratitude to my editor, Liz Heaney, who is also my friend. Wrestling together with many of the concepts of love and forgiveness has made both of us, I think, better people and has given us a deeper understanding of what it means to live in the world as authentic lovers and forgivers. She has helped me reach for the God-given wisdom inside of myself that I didnt even know was there.

Finally, Im grateful to all of you out there who have taught me how to love and forgive. Youve been so patient as I took bumbling baby steps, walking all over many of your toes in the process, while you acted as if you hardly noticed. Thank you.

I dont remember when I first heard about forgiveness. Perhaps it was as a young Catholic when I learned that Jesus would forgive our sins if we asked him to. I took it very seriously, making the sacrament of confession a regular item on my Saturday to-do list. I would move into the confession booth, my flashlight and list of sins in hand. I didnt want to forget even one sin. I wanted to be clean.

As I grew into my teen years, still making sure I told the priest about every sin I committed and exactly how many times I committed it, my punishmentany number of Hail Marys and Our Fathersseemed harsher. I was always up at the altar longer than anyone else was.

Was I a worse sinner or just more sensitive in confession? Im not sure. In any case, that was the extent of my understanding of forgiveness. Ive learnedand am continuing to learna lot about forgiveness. Especially since I made the choice to become a forgiver. Ive learned that we can desire forgiveness, especially once we experience its benefits. We can also resist forgiveness. But we cant understand forgivenesssuch grace doesnt make sense. Nor can we demand forgiveness of ourselves or of others. When we hurt someone, we can hope they will forgive us so that the relationship can be restored, but we cant force it.

Ive also learned that though we cant manipulate forgiveness, we can work toward it. How? By admitting and feeling our pain while asking God to help us forgive. God offers us the gift of forgiveness. We need to open our hearts and receive it. But because we have been hurt so severely, we often dont activate forgiveness in our relationships. Instead, we close up to protect ourselves, and we cant receive the gift even when its in front of our faces. This is true whether the gift is receiving forgiveness or offering forgiveness.

The key to a lifestyle of forgiveness, Ive found, is first making the commitment to love our world. We can walk in forgiveness toward others and ourselves only if weve first committed to love. Unforgiveness blocks our ability to love; we will be motivated to be a forgiving person only if weve first decided to be a loving person.

As you read this book, do so with an open heart and a willingness to look at all your relationships. Is there someone you need to forgive? Is there someone who needs to forgive you? Forgiveness is not something God alone has the power to do, although hes probably the best at it. Because as Christians we have received Gods forgiveness, we have access to his power to forgive those who have hurt us, no matter how deeply. Scripture tells us: Therefore, as Gods chosen people bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Colossians 3:12-13).

Forgiveness is one of the hallmarks of Christianity; we can forgive even when it doesnt make sense because its not something that comes from within us. God has offered us this powerful gift, making it possible for us to offer it to others. This gift frees us to feel compassion and to act in love, even toward those who have harmed us. As well, when others forgive us, we are set free from the weight of their judgment and condemnation. Either way we win. Everyone wins. That is the power of forgiveness.

If you read a chapter a day of this book and follow the suggestions at the end of each chapter, you will have pondered and acted upon this power for twenty-one dayslong enough, so Im told, to form a habit. I suggest you make the following commitment before you go any further:

I commit to forgivedeeply and from my heartany and all who offend me, every day, every hour, every minute.

If you can honestly do this, youll have the opportunity at the end of this book to turn your commitment into a lifetime vow.

You hate him, dont you? The counselor across from me dared me to answer him directly.

What? I said, shocked. Hate him? Of course I dont hate him. Im a Christian.

What does that have to do with it? You still hate him.

Thats not true, I said quickly. Hate the sin, not the sinner

The counselor rolled his eyes, then nodded. You hate him. You might as well say it.

Now I was getting mad. Why should I say it if if

Look at how he physically and emotionally abused you, how his abuse damaged your faith, how he neglected your kids

I know, I know I just wanted him to stop.

What about that time he offered you twenty bucks for sex? That time he raged at you for crying over your grandmothers death? That time he made you go out and wash the car the day after youd had a baby? All those times he hit you

Okay, okay, maybe I hate him. I dont know, I said, confused.

You have every reason to hate him. He was mean, cruel

Yes, its true. He was. I do. I hate him. Youre right