Joann Filomena - Widowed: Moving Through the Pain of Widowhood to Find Meaning and Purpose in Your Life Again

Advance Praise

This page for blurbs from others praising my book is held for Richard Bach, author of Illusions . Richard wrote to tell me he has avoided doing that for thirty years and has never requested it for his own books, and then said so much more that was warm and inspired. It was the best decline ever. Richard Bach who wrote the most important book in my life wrote to me .

No other praise received will be printed on this page.

Because ILLUSIONS .

It doesnt get better than that.

Moving Through
the Pain of Widowhood to
Find Meaning and Purpose
in Your Life Again

J OANN F ILOMENA

NEW YORK

NASHVILLE MELBOURNE VANCOUVER

WIDOWED

Moving Through the Pain of Widowhood to Find Meaning and Purpose in Your Life Again

2017 Joann Filomena

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

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ISBN 978-1-68350-394-1 paperback

ISBN 978-1-68350-395-8 eBook

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017900220

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For every widow who spent that first night staring into space, unable to believe it, unable to sleep.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Bob Marley

Dearest Widow,

You were drawn to pick up this book because you are frightened by what youre feeling since your spouse passed away. You are so alone and afraid of being alone. You dont know how to do this widow thing, and want to know how someone else might have gotten through the pain. It is scary to have thoughts and feelings that no else around you can possibly understand. There are things you do not say out loud, things you do not share with the world. Initially, you do not even share them with yourself.

In those first few days after the death of your husband, a protective fog surrounded you. When my husband died, I felt like I was wrapped in layers and layers of cotton and gauze, so I could not feel anything at all. Our brain knows how great the pain is and immediately protects us from experiencing it all at once. But slowly, so slowly, the layers begin to unwrap and the reality of our new worldthe one without our lifes partner in itbegins to seep in through the protective gauze.

Your friends check in and ask, How are you doing? You say, Oh Im fine. Im handling this. Really, Im okay. But youre not. Even as those words of polite conversation come out of your mouth, deep inside you is a wound so painful you could not even begin to find the words to tell someone else how this hurts. So instead you say, Im fine, Im handling things. And because you cannot face your own pain fully to share with someone else, you remain alone. Even your children fall under the protection of your mute button. How can you let them see your pain when they are already experiencing grief of their own over the death of their father? You dont want to add worrying about you to their load. You dont want to add your own pain to theirs. So you tell them, Im okay. Im coping.

Some of the thoughts you are having seem completely inappropriate for a widow to be thinking. Thoughts of relief, thoughts of anger, or thoughts about being happy over never having to pick up wet towels off the floor again. Maybe your initial thoughts were even about being glad it was over. You wonder what is wrong with you that you think such things. Things pop up in your mind that even shock you and make you want to look away from such dark, inner pain. You replay the last days, weeks, and months prior to your spouses death. Did you say things that were terrible to him? Did you hug him enough? Did you remember to say, I love you to him the day he died?

Maybe you even lie to yourself, telling yourself that youve got this. You can organize it, make lists, cross off what needs doing. But instead you end up sitting in that chair in your living room. Just sitting. Not going anywhere. Not doing anything. Frozen in time. How can you know what to do next? All your future plans were plans that you and your husband created together. Your entire life was based on an equation of two, not one. Your planned retirement was planned for the two of you. Your retirement together. Your goals together. Your vacations together. There are no plans for you alone. So now youre stuck. You mark off days on the calendar, each one a day closer to your own death.

Because of the avalanche of emotions that suddenly take over your life, you begin to question your own sanity. I know this, dear widow, dear heart, because I found myself in that well of emotional pain we label grief. Even turning on the radio is a minefield of emotion. Songs that you used to innocently sing along with now break you right open. I, too, have driven home from the grocery store struggling to get my tears under control while reaching to snap that song off the radio. That one big question keeps playing in your mind: How do I get through this?

You are sure that the only thing that could fix you right now is if your husband miraculously walked back in the door. Immediately your life would again have an anchor and meaning. You think there is no other answer for your pain but his resurrection. Intellectually, you know this is not going to happen. But because you cannot see any other resolution to how you are feeling, you stay stuck, crossing days off the calendar. All meaning in life is gone, so you remain aimless.

Deep inside, you know you want more. You have new eyes on the world now: the eyes of a widow. With widow eyes you see so clearly what the value of every single day with your spouse was. You rue every second you wasted, not connecting with him, not hugging him, not saying all the things you truly wanted to say to him when you thought you had all the time in the world. You not only mourn the passing of your spouse and what you had with your spouse, you mourn what it could have beenwhat it should have been.

With those new eyes, you begin to see that every day in the rest of your life has to matter more. Every day that you have left in your life should never again be squandered, not doing the things you best love, not saying the things in your heart, and not loving on every person in your life. But how do you step out from the widows black lace veil of pain to move beyond the chair in the living room? Ahanow you see the real reason you reached for this book. Your heart wants to know, Did another widow feel this way and live through it? Is there something on the other side of this incredible pain and fear? Please, let me read something that tells me I am going to be okay.