Margaret Coberly - Sacred Passage: How to Provide Fearless, Compassionate Care for the Dying

A gift for anyone who may be in contact with a terminally ill friend, relative, or patient.

Library Journal

An important book for both caregivers and patients. Coberly compellingly demonstrates how terminally ill people can experience emotional and spiritual healing, even when they cannot be cured.

Journal of Hospice and Palliative Nursing

A much-needed, wise, and helpful guidebook.

Barbara Dossey, R.N., director of Hospice Nursing Consultants

This is a rich and wise book that will help many people.

Joan Halifax Roshi, Project on Being with Dying, Upaya Zen Center

ABOUT THE BOOK

Working as an emergency room nurse, Margaret Coberly came in contact with death on a daily basis. However, it wasnt until her own brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer that she realized she understood very little about the emotional and spiritual aspects of caring for the terminally ill. To fill this gap she turned to the unique wisdom on death and dying found in Tibetan Buddhism. In this book Coberly offers sound, practical advice on meeting the essential needs of the dying, integrating stories from her long career in nursing with useful insights from the Tibetan Buddhist teachings.

In the West, death is viewed as a tragic and horrible event. Coberly shows us how this view generates fear and denial, which harm the dying by adding unnecessary loneliness, confusion, and mental anguish to the dying process. Tibetan Buddhism focuses on the nature of death and how to face it with honesty, openness, and courage. In this view, death is not a failure, but a natural part of life that, if properly understood and appreciated, can offer the dying and their loved ones an opportunity to gain valuable insight and wisdom. Coberly argues that the Tibetan Buddhist outlook can be a useful antidote to the culture of fear and denial that surrounds death in the West and can help caregivers become more fully present, fearless, honest, and compassionate.

Sacred Passage highlights two very practical teachings on death and dying from the Tibetan Buddhist tradition and presents them in clear, nontechnical language. Readers learn about the eight stages of dissolution leading to death, a detailed roadmap of the dying process that describes the sequence of physical, psychological, and spiritual changes that occur as we die. Coberly also presents the death meditation, a contemplative exercise for developing a new relationship to deathand life. The book also includes a lengthy, annotated list of recommended readings for added guidance and inspiration.

Topics include:

• How the terminally ill can experience emotional and spiritual healing even when they cant be cured
• Why Western medicines relentless focus on curing disease has led to inadequate care for the dying
• What to expect during the dying process
• How our fear and denial of death harm the dying
• Techniques to help caregivers promote a peaceful environment for the dying and their loved ones
• How to meet the changing physical and emotional needs of the dying
• Helpful advice on what to say and how to behave around the terminally ill

MARGARET COBERLY, Ph.D., R.N., has been a nurse for more than thirty years, working in inner-city trauma centers and in hospice settings. She holds a doctorate in psychology, is a faculty member at the University of Phoenix, and lectures at the University of Hawaii. Dr. Coberly is also a nurse educator and works as the director of research and development at Hospice Hawaii.

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HOW TO PROVIDE FEARLESS, COMPASSIONATE CARE FOR THE DYING

MARGARET COBERLY, PH.D., R.N.

SHAMBHALA

Boston & London 2013

Shambhala Publications, Inc.

Horticultural Hall

300 Massachusetts Avenue

Boston, Massachusetts 02115

www.shambhala.com

2002 by Margaret Coberly

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

The Library of Congress catalogues the hardcover

edition of this book as follows:

Coberly, Margaret.

Sacred passage: how to provide fearless, compassionate care

for the dying/Margaret Coberly.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

eISBN 978-0-8348-2870-4

ISBN 1-57062-850-5

ISBN 1-59030-017-3 (paperback)

1. Terminal care. 2. Compassion. 3. Death. I. Title

R726.8 C626 2002

616.029DC21

2001054182

To Venerable Karma Lekshe Tsomo

More than half of this book was written while traveling, and I am immensely grateful to the many people along the way who offered not only their gracious hospitality but also their strong emotional and financial support to facilitate my writing. First and foremost, I want to thank my mother, Elizabeth Stephens; my sister, Ceil Coberly; and my aunt, Margaret Coberly Hoover.

I also want to thank my mentor and friend psychology professor Samuel I. Shapiro for both his consistent, constructive, and good-humored counsel, and his unwavering insistence on meticulous scholarship. Without Sams encouragement, I doubt that this book would have materialized.

The incredible generosity of many other people has contributed to the writing of this book. Jason Neal donated hours and hours of his precious time to edit the chapters as I wrote and rewrote them; and Asa Baber, Katherine Anderson, and my children, Ari and Ian, patiently listened to me and continually encouraged me no matter how boring it may have become for them. Ongoing conversations with Philippe Gross and Karma Lekshe Tsomo offered me reassurance and strength throughout the entire process, and the skill and uncanny insight of editor Eden Steinberg at Shambhala guided me to the finish. I am very grateful to each of them for their unique and wonderful help. I also want to acknowledge Miles Vich and Paul Clemens for their catalytic input at just the right moments.

The stories in this book are true, and I am forever indebted to all the patients and families who allowed me to be part of their dying trajectories. To protect their privacy, their names and other identifying characteristics have been changed, except in the case of my brother, Wheeler, and my cousin Cobe and his sons, Bud and Sterling.

I also want to thank and offer my deepest respect and admiration to the many wise and compassionate teachers of Tibetan Buddhism who have disseminated dharma teachings throughout the world and helped Western people become more aware of the Buddhas teachings. Most of the insights and theory that I am able to offer herein I have gleaned from reading or hearing the teachings of the fourteenth Dalai Lama, Kalu Rinpoche, Dilgo Khyentse, Lama Thubten Yeshe, Chagdud Tlku, Geshe Rabten, Gendn Chpel, and the twelfth Tai Situ, as well as W. Y. Evans-Wentz, Herbert V. Guenther, Jeffrey Hopkins, and Robert A. F. Thurman.

My hope is that the information in this book will inspire its readers to overcome death denial and cultivate kindness and compassion towards people everywhere. May His Holiness the Dalai Lama and all other teachers of the truth live as long as possible, and may peace and happiness prevail on earth.