Dr. Alan Wolfelt - When Your Soulmate Dies: A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning

Companion Press is dedicated to the education and support of both the bereaved and bereavement caregivers. We believe that those who companion the bereaved by walking with them as they journey in grief have a wondrous opportunity: to help others embrace and grow through griefand to lead fuller, more deeply lived lives themselves because of this important ministry.

For a complete catalog and ordering information, write, call, or visit us at the address below, 970.226.6050, www.centerforloss.com.

2016 by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Companion Press is an imprint of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, 3735 Broken Bow Road, Fort Collins, Colorado, 80526.

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ISBN 978-1-61722-242-9

I dedicate this book to the grieving soulmates who so bravely and generously shared their stories of soulmate love and loss with me and with you, the reader. In these pages your epic love and grief will be forever honored.

IN REMEMBRANCE OF

Adam

Allen

Barbara

Bart

Benjie

Bob

Bryan

Cliff

Dan

Darren

Dave

David

Deb

Don

Edwin

Frank

Gary

George

Janell

Jeanne

Jerry

Jim

Joan

John

Judy Julene

Kathryn Anne

Larry

Lee

Les

Libby

Mark

Michael

Mike

Patrick Philip

Rebecca

Rick

Ron

Sharon

Steve

Stu

Tim

Warren

Wendell

And all soulmates whose lives made ours so meaningful

ALSO BY DR. ALAN WOLFELT

The Depression of Grief:
Coping with Your Sadness and Knowing When to Get Help

Grief One Day at a Time:
365 Meditations to Help You Heal After Loss

Healing a Spouses Grieving Heart:
100 Practical Ideas After Your Husband or Wife Dies

The Journey Through Grief:
Reflections on Healing

Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out

The Paradoxes of Mourning:
Healing Your Grief with Three Forgotten Truths

Understanding Your Grief:
Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart

To order and for more information on Dr. Wolfelts books, visit www.centerforloss.com.

In my four decades as a grief student, teacher, and counselor, I have met and walked alongside thousands of mourners. In sharing their stories of love and loss, they have taught me so much about their unique perspectives and needs. Throughout my career I have tried to pass along their messages of hope and healing.

To that end, I have written many articles and booksand given thousands of presentationson grief. We live in a grief-avoidant culture, and I believe that if I use my time here on earth to share the hard-earned wisdom mourners have imparted to me along the way, I am living my calling. I am a conduit and spokesperson. Those who have learned to mourn well want to help those struggling with grief. I humbly serve as their middleman of sorts.

And so, to offer targeted, relevant assistance as much as possible, I have taught and written about a wide variety of types of loss. On my website you will find targeted books for people grieving in the aftermath of suicide, PTSD, divorce, and the death of a child, parent, or adult sibling, as well as many other losses.

In this vein, 13 years ago I wrote a small book entitled Healing a Spouses Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Husband or Wife Dies. Part of my 100 Ideas series, it speaks to the unique qualities of grief and needs of mourning faced by widows and widowers young and old. Since then, tens of thousands of grieving spouses and life partners have held Healing a Spouses Grieving Heart in their hands, and if the online reviews and letters I receive are to be believed, quite a number have been helped by it. For that I am grateful.

Are you sensing a but in the offing? If so, you are right. During the decade-plus that Healing a Spouses Grieving Heart has been in print, I have received numerous comments, emails, and entreaties from a group of mourners who believe that it does not adequately address their needs. They tell me that they lost not only a husband, wife, life partner, or sometimes a different special person with whom they had a deep connection, such as a parent, child, or friendthey lost a soulmate.

The soulmates grief is unique, they taught me. It is more profound and pervasive. It is more akin to the death of a twin. It is the severing of a timeless relationship, one possibly formed before life here on earth.

Then inevitably they would ask: Would you please write a book about the death of a soulmate? Yes, I finally replied when my writing schedule allowed. Yes, I will relate what you have taught me about the grief that follows the death of a soulmate. I will share your true, personal stories. I will also pass along your guidance about how to honor the soulmate who died and go on to live and love well again.

Grieving soulmates of the world, this book is for you. I hope it helps open you to an ever-growing measure of affirmation, hope, and healing.

No doubt you come to this book with a broken heart. You may have noticed that the paper heart on this books cover stands in empathy with your inner realitytorn in half and ripped ragged. So I would like to begin by saying I am genuinely sorry for your loss.

Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.

Emily Bront

While mere wordswritten or spokencannot take away the devastation you feel, they do have the power to foster expression and understanding. And while I realize that human language is woefully inadequate at capturing the relationship you had with the precious person who died and the grief you now experience, it is the communication tool we have at our disposal, you and I.

So, when words are sometimes inadequate in the following pages, when they fall short or miss their mark for youwhich they cant help but do at times, given the profoundly special, unique, and intimate relationship you had with your soulmateI hope you will have grace, skip the passages that dont resonate, and continue reading. We are all of us doing our best to help one another.

I have come to understand that the word soulmate means different things to different people. Most of us agree that soulmates are two people who feel a deep affinity for and closeness with one another. They are usually lovers and spouses or life partnersbut not always. Soulmates are sometimes parent and child, siblings, or close friends. In fact, how society labels or views the relationship from the outside is of little consequence. What matters is the strength and qualities of the bond in the relationship as experienced from inside it. The shorthand soulmates often use to describe one another is the love of my life.