Alan D. Wolfelt - Companioning the Bereaved: A Soulful Guide for Counselors & Caregivers

At the very heart of companioning is the need to acknowledge each other as equals, not as therapist and patient. What makes us all equals is that we are all human beings who will come to know the pain and suffering that emanates from the loss of those we have loved. We also need each other.

Companioning can only take place among equals. If anyone believes she has superior knowledge of anothers journey into grief, this belief destroys the foundation of a relationship anchored in unconditional love. Those who project what I call superior expertise cant help but treat the mourner, and usuallyconsciously or unconsciouslytry to achieve some variation of closure. When we see each other as equals, we do not misuse each other. Acknowledging each other as equals is a reflection of love.

Companioning is also about compassionate curiosity. When we support each other with this humility, we open our hearts to another human being. Curiosity encourages us to take off our professional masks and create sacred, hospitable free space for the mourner. It takes time and conscious effort to create this space in a mourning-avoidant culture. Compassionate curiosity encourages us to extend ourselves rather than withdraw into our own worlds. Yes, companioning invites us to extend ourselves, open our hearts wide, be still and really listen.

Companioning also depends on our willingness to reject grief as a pathology and not think of our role as eradicating emotional and spiritual suffering. We must surrender to the wilderness to be willing to wander into the mystery. We have to expect chaos, confusion, disorder, and even despair. So-called negative emotions and experiences are not dangerous. Messiness has its place. Grief loss and change always start with confusion. We cant be companions if we refuse to be confused. Integration of loss often occurs in the space of not knowing. We dont need to be joined at the head with a mourner; we need to be joined at the heart.

Just as we are faced with choices in our personal experiences with loss, we also are faced with choices in our lifes work as companions to those in grief. We can choose to help people avoid the work of their grief, or we can support and accompany people as they fully enter into their grief. If we are able to achieve the latter of these choices, chances are we can become catalysts for Divine Momentum and a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in the lives of our fellow human beings.

I have always been drawn to Robert Frosts classic poem that, in part, reads: Two roads diverged in a wood, and II took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. Companioning is not a technique or a therapy, it is a philosophy and a discipline for every hour, every day, every week, every month, and every year of your life. For me, the road taken is:

• Finding passion and purpose in ministering to those in grief.
• Attending to those things in life that give my life richness and purpose.
• Having gratitude each day for my family and friends.
• Trying to fulfill my destiny, by developing my souls potential.
• Striving to give back what others have given to me.
• By observing what is requesting my attention, and giving attention to it.
• Going out into nature and having gratitude for the beauty of the universe.
• Praying that Im living on purpose and using my gifts whether by writing a book, teaching a workshop, or caring for my children.
• Going through my own struggles with grief and realizing that it is working through these wounds that helps unite me with others.

Every day we each have the opportunity to be companions, to listen with our hearts, and to be curious rather than certain. Thank you so much for taking time to read this book. I hope you choose to see your heart opening to people experiencing grief. When your heart is open, you are receptive to what life brings you, both happy and sad. By staying open you create a pathway to living life fully until you die.