Alan Wolfelt - Understanding Your Grief after a Drug-Overdose Death

2020 by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Companion Press is an imprint of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, 3735 Broken Bow Road, Fort Collins, Colorado 80526.

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ISBN: 978-1-61722-285-6

Anything thats human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.

Fred Rogers

Loss is always hard, but when someone you love dies of an accidental drug overdose, the grief that follows can be especially painful and challenging.

I am sorry that you are faced with suffering such a difficult grief. I hope the words in this book will be a source of comfort and affirmation for you as you move through the early days of your grief and into the weeks and months to come.

First, its essential for you to know that all of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors you are experiencing right now are normal. Grief is what we feel inside whenever we lose someone we love. In addition to those normal and necessary feelings, your grief has been made more complex by the cause of the death and possibly the events in the life of your loved one leading up to the death. Yet even though this grief may be more complicated than other griefs you have experienced in your life, it is still normal.

Second, please hold onto the belief that you can and will get through this. I have been a grief counselor and educator for more than forty years, and I have companioned a number of people whose loved ones died of drug overdose. They have asked me to share with you the message that not only can you survive what may right now seem unsurvivable, you can go on to find meaning and joy in life again. The principles in this book will help you step through the shadow of the valley of death and back into the light. No, your life will never be the same, but it can be good again.

And third, even in your darkest days, I want you to remember to foster hope. Hope is an expectation of a good that is yet to be. Hope is looking ahead and maintaining the awareness that there are good things coming. You will experience fun and joy again. There will come a day when the death is not the first or even the main thing you think about each day. So even as you are grieving, be on the lookout for ways to build hope into your life.

Thank you for entrusting me with companioning you on this path you did not choose. You are grieving the tragic death of someone you care about. And you will find your way back to hope and healing.

We dont heal in isolation, but in community.

S. Kelley Harrell

As someone grieving an overdose death, you deserve special understanding and care.

In fact, especially in the early days after the death, I want you to think of yourself as in need of intensive care. Remember that you have sustained a terrible emotional and spiritual injury. Just as if your body was badly wounded, your heart and soul need intensive TLC right now.

During these early days, allow others to take care of you. Accept their gifts of food and attention. When they ask what they can do for you, suggest something. If it feels comforting, ask others to simply be present to you. Having people nearby to make you a sandwich, to talk with you, to help you make funeral and other arrangements, and even just to sit in sacred silence with you can help you feel safe and supported as you move through the blur of the first hours, days, and weeks after the death.

And give yourself as much resting time as possible. Take time off work if at all possible. Let household and other nonessential chores wait for right now. In the early weeks and months after the death, dont expect toindeed, dont try tocarry on with your normal routine.

Feelings of shock and numbness are typical at first. Overdose deaths are often sudden and unexpected, which heightens the normal shock and numbness of grief. You may feel a sense of disbelief. You might feel like youre walking around in a daze. You may be moving through your days yet feel like youre not really there. This is normal.

Have you been imagining that the person who died might text you or walk through the door at any moment? Do you catch yourself looking for the person in passing cars or in crowds? These are also normal reactions, especially in cases of sudden and unexpected death.

In the early days, you might also struggle with questions about whether the death was preventable or not. You may find yourself obsessing about the persons circumstances on the day or week of the death. You might also be unsure if the death was intentional or notand this can be an especially terrible uncertainty to come to terms with. Its normal, though painful, to think about such uncertainties.

Denial, too, is a natural companion to shock and numbness in the early days. You might find yourself pushing away the reality of what has happened. You might not feel like learning or talking about the details of the circumstances of the death. If your loved one had been struggling with addiction for a long time, you might have been through a number of overdose close calls before, which can heighten feelings of denial and unreality when a death eventually happens. You also might realize in your mind that the person has died without fully feeling the understanding with your heart.

Thank goodness for shock, numbness, and denial. They are natures way of protecting us from sudden, terrible realities. They are the shock absorbers that will help you survive the early days. As they begin to wear off, you will be able to slowly understand and embrace the full reality over time, bit by bit, day by day.

If you are still experiencing strong feelings of shock, numbness, and denial, be sure to practice good self-care (see ) and reach out to others for support. And when youre ready, talking to good, nonjudgmental listeners about your thoughts and feelings is an effective way to begin to get unstuck if youre feeling stuck in shock, numbness, and denial.

If the funeral for your loved one has not yet taken place, I encourage you to have a ceremony that honors the qualities you and your family loved best and will miss most about the person who died. The cause of the death cannot take away these precious characteristics and memories. Personalize the funeral as much as possible by incorporating music, readings, video/photo tributes, and remembrances that tell the unique story of the life of the person who died.

Funerals are so important to mourners because they help us meet our mourning needs (see ). Funerals may be about the person who died, but they are for the living. The funeral you plan and participate in for the person who died will not only give you a structure that will help hold you up during the first days of your grief, it will provide you with the life-affirming support of friends and family. Choosing not to have a funeral service, on the other hand, only creates a void where all that love and support would otherwise be.