Alan Wolfelt - If Youre Lonely

Have you felt ashamed or embarrassed of your loneliness? This is common because as a culture we tend to associate loneliness with a failure of interpersonal skills, a lack of strength, or a weakness of character. This unfair and inaccurate stigma can get compounded by ageism. When older people are lonely (and they are, in staggering numbers), it tends to be an unseemly topic that we dont want to examine or talk about.

But you and I are here to talk about it. In our world today, loneliness is a normal human response to isolation. Its largely caused by the structure of modern societynot by the actions, inactions, or inherent qualities of individuals like you. In other words, its not your fault. Loneliness is not a personal failing or character flaw.

I hope this book will help you grow more comfortable with acknowledging and understanding your loneliness as well as expressing and easing it. We have to get better at talking about uncomfortable feelings. Only through honest awareness and open discussion can we find ways to create a healthier, connected culture.

Loneliness rates have doubled in the United States in the past fifty years. Why?

One reason is that people used to live in households comprised of multiple generations, sometimes with grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, and children all living together. Today generations are separated into their own households (though in recent years this trend is starting to reverse somewhat). Nearly a third of American seniors age sixty-five or older live alonedouble the percentage of most other countries. In addition, marriage is becoming less common, and couples are having fewer childrenor no children at all.

Rising isolation in the home has taken hold concurrent with the rise in technology. In lieu of face-to-face conversation, we now rely on email and texts to communicate with one another. And instead of visiting local shops, restaurants, and banks, we now order online, have our goods and food delivered, and swap digital currency.

Social media is part of this technology tsunami, of course. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and other digital social networks are taking the place of the downtown evening stroll, the Saturday night dance, and the community potluck. And while theyre highly effective at some things, such as quickly sharing news and uniting people who are physically distant, social media platforms are sorely lacking in physical presence, facial expressions, tone of voice, and personal warmth.

Workplaces, too, used to be more interactive. Before everyone became glued to computer screens, people worked more closely with one another. Think of the old country doctor versus todays general practitioner, who is forced to gaze into her laptop more than into the eyes of her patients. Or consider the grocery store, where self-checkout is fast replacing human checkers. Or the technology industry itself, which is now divesting itself of workplaces altogether and instead dispersing many employees to work remotely in their own homes.

Here in America, we are also infected by the ideal of rugged individualism. Coined by Herbert Hoover in 1928, this term encapsulated the misguided notion that individuals should be self-reliant and independent, not counting on others for support. And long before that, woven into the very foundation of our country, was the Puritan belief in self-restraint and stoicism. The trouble is, if you keep your emotions to yourself and believe its wrong to rely on others, loneliness is a natural byproduct.

The societal causes of the loneliness epidemic will not be quickly remedied. For now what we can do is work to understand them and support policy and process changes that move us in the direction of meaningful connectedness and mutual reliance. On a personal level, though, there are many things we can do to help with our loneliness. Well be talking about those soon.