Alan Wolfelt - Nature Heals Reconciling Your Grief through Engaging with the Natural World.

2021 by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Companion Press is an imprint of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, 3735 Broken Bow Road, Fort Collins, Colorado 80526.

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ISBN: 978-1-61722-301-3

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outsideI firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.

Anne Frank

If youve picked up this book, you are no doubt hurting.

The pain is difficult to bear, I know, but its also normal. When we experience a great loss of any kinddeath, divorce, serious illness or injury, job loss, or any other unwanted, significant changewe naturally suffer. We feel deep, ongoing pain.

Ive been a grief counselor and educator for more than forty years. During this span, Ive been privileged to bear witness to the grief of thousands of people. Ive been a humble companion to them on their journeys. Theyve taught me that their pain is a natural and even necessary part of love.

Your pain, too, is natural and necessary. But even when we acknowledge its necessity, it still hurts. Its still grueling and agonizing.

Understandably, you seek relief from your pain. In an attempt to make the hurt more tolerable or even disappear for a while, people usually first turn to the coping mechanisms theyre most accustomed to. You might distract yourself with technology and entertainment. You may numb yourself with alcohol or drugs. You might travel, hoping you can leave your pain behind you. You might try to keep yourself busy.

With the exception of alcohol and drug overuse, all of these coping strategies are fine and effective to some degree. Its OK to include them in your grief survival toolkit. But what were here to consider today is that there are more beneficial ways of integrating and softening the natural pain of your grief. In this book well focus on one in particularone you may havent relied on to any great extent before.

Of course, Im talking about nature. Nature heals. Not only can engaging with the natural world ease your pain right nowtoday and tomorrowit can supercharge your longer-term journey to healing. Ive seen it firsthand, up close, over and over again.

About thirty-five years ago, when I was designing the campus of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, it was of the utmost importance to me that nature take centerstage. Perched on the foothills of the Rocky Mountains in northern Colorado, the Center enjoys views of the city of Fort Collins to the east and higher mountain foothills to the west. Evergreens and stunning rock formations surround the building. To take advantage of this spectacular but rugged setting, we added extensive decking, boardwalks from one area to another, gazebos with seating, and a number of benches.

Weather permitting, grief counseling sessions often take place in these sacred outdoor spaces. The grounds of the Center for Loss are a sanctuary for mournersa place they can get away from the demands of their daily lives and give dedicated attention to their grief and mourning. Some people who have a hard time talking about their loss in the indoor spaces of the Center instantly relax and open up the moment we do a little walking outdoors and sit down together in the gazebo. I believe Im a compassionate grief companion, but nature is the true healer.

Nature can help heal you, too. If youre not a nature person, thats not a problem. Youll find that a little nature goes a long way. You dont have to become a nature fanatic to avail yourself of the healing power of nature. Even if you live in a crowded city, even if you have a busy life that keeps you indoors most of the time, even if you dont particularly enjoy nature or think of yourself as the outdoorsy type, there are ways to integrate small doses of nature into your everyday life that can have outsized, positive effects on your life and healing.

Thats because nature and grief naturally go together. Thank you for entrusting me to show you how and to help you discover ways to use nature to cope with and heal your grief.

Nature is our greatest teacher, of surrender, of allowing, of simply being. Every blade of grass, every flower, every tree remembers. This moment. This present. This is where life is.

Alexandra Domelle

Lets start by defining grief. Grief is a natural internal experience that follows a separation from anyone or anything we are strongly attached to.

If we are lucky, we love. When we experience separation and loss, our love shows up as grief.

Grief is everything we think and feel inside ourselves about the separation and loss. Grief typically includes lots of different emotions, including shock, disbelief, confusion, yearning, anxiety, anger, guilt, sadness, numbness, and many more.

Grief also includes all of our thoughts about the loss. Our minds wonder about what happened. They try to make sense of it by building connections, replaying memories, and imagining scenarios. And our minds also wonder about what will happen in the future. We naturally think through our story of love and loss.

Love is natural. Grief is natural. Like the natural world around us, they are both wild, unpredictable, uncontrollable, awe-inspiring things.

Also natural is mourning. Mourning is the outward expression of our internal grief. Crying is a form of mourning, and when we are grieving, our bodies naturally cry to release stress chemicals and to signal to those around us that we are in pain. Telling others about our loss is another way of mourning. Its natural to want to talk about what happened, share memories, and wonder our grief thoughts aloud.

Mourning, too, is wild, unpredictable, uncontrollable, and awe-inspiring. Its also healing. Over time and through ongoing expression, grief befriended and communicated is grief healed.

Some years ago I pinpointed the natural mourning needs we all have in common. While our grief and mourning journeys are unique in their particulars, we share the following six mourning needs, regardless of the type and particular circumstances of the loss we are suffering.

Need 1: Acknowledge the reality of the loss

Need 2: Embrace the pain of the loss

Need 3: Remember the moments and circumstances that formed the attachment and deepened it over time

Need 4: Develop a new self-identity

Need 5: Search for meaning

Need 6: Reach out for and accept support from others

Mourning is active expression of our grief, and when we engage day-to-day with one or more of the six needs of mourning, we are taking a small step toward healing.

Now imagine engaging with nature and intentional mourning combined. Talk about a dynamic duo. Well discuss this further on

If there is one thing clear about the centuries dominated by the factory and the wheel, it is that although the machine can make everything from a spoon to a landing-craft,a natural joy in earthly living is something it never has and never will be able to manufacture.

Henry Beston

Are you nature-deprived much of the time? Many of us are.

It wasnt always that way. Throughout human history, people lived mostly in rural settings and had a strong, symbiotic relationship with nature. They hunted, fished, gathered, and, later, farmed.