Beginning Again
Benedictine Wisdom for Living with Illness
Mary C. Earle
an explorefaith.org book
Copyright 2004 by Mary C. Earle
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.
The scripture quotations contained herein, unless otherwise noted, are from the New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of Churches of Christ in the U.S.A. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
The Road Ahead from Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton. Copyright 1958 by the Abbey of Our Lady of Gethsemani. Copyright renewed 1986 by the Trustees of the Thomas Merton Legacy Trust. Reprinted by permission of Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC, and of Curtis Brown, Ltd.
Morehouse Publishing, 4775 Linglestown Road, Harrisburg, PA 17105
Morehouse Publishing, 445 Fifth Ave., New York, NY 10016
Morehouse Publishing is an imprint of Church Publishing Incorporated.
www.churchpublishing.org
Cover art courtesy of Roger Allyn Lee/Superstock
Cover design by Laurie Klein Westhafer
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
ISBN: 978-0-8192-1965-7 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-0-8192-2574-0 (ebook)
Earle, Mary C.
Beginning again : Benedictine wisdom for living with illness / by Mary C. Earle.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 0-8192-1965-7
1. Chronically illReligious life. 2. Benedict, Saint, Abbot of Monte Cassino. Regula I. Title.
BV4910.E27 2004
248.861dc22
2004001378
For Mom and Dad
For Doug, Bryan, and Jason, who helped me to begin again.
And for all who have had to begin again because of illness.
Contents
This book began to insist on being written while I was in the middle of writing its predecessor, Broken Body, Healing Spirit. Thanks go to Debra Farrington, my editor, who as a writer understands that sometimes a new proposal comes in the midst of unfinished work. She accepted another proposal with good humor and enthusiasm. Thanks also to the various members of the classes I have taught at my parish, St. Marks Episcopal Church in San Antonio, and at the Episcopal Seminary of the Southwest in Austin. Those students have been my teachers, and much of this material first began to take root in conversations in class.
My husband, Doug, has been my coach, my friend, my companion. He read and critiqued the text, and he helps me keep my rule.
books:
An Introduction
The book you hold in your hand says a lot about you. It reflects your yearning to forge a deep and meaningful relationship with God, to open yourself to the countless ways we can experience the holy, to embrace an image of the divine that frees your soul and fortifies your heart. It is a book published with the spiritual pilgrim in mind through a collaboration of Morehouse Publishing and the Web site explorefaith.org.
The pilgrims path cannot be mapped beforehand. It moves toward the sacred with twists and turns unique to you alone. Explorefaith.org books honor the truth that we all discover the holy through different doorways, at different points in our lives. These books offer tools for your travelsresources to help you follow your souls purest longings. Although their approach will change, their purpose remains constant. Our hope is that they will help clear the way for you, providing fruitful avenues for experiencing Gods unceasing devotion and perfect love.
www.explorefaith.org
Spiritual guidance
for anyone seeking a path to God
A non-profit Web site aimed at anyone interested in exploring spiritual issues, explorefaith.org provides an open, non-judgmental, private place for exploring your faith and deepening your connection to the sacred. Material on the site is rich and varied, created to highlight the wisdom of diverse faith traditions, while at the same time expressing the conviction that through Jesus Christ we can experience the heart of God. Tools for meditating with music, art, and poetry; essays about the spiritual meaning in popular books and first-run films; a daily devotional meditation; informative and challenging responses to questions we have all pondered; excerpts from publications with a spiritual messageall this and more is available online at explorefaith.org. As stated on the sites Who We Are page, explorefaith.org is deeply committed to the ongoing spiritual formation of people of all ages and all backgrounds, living in countries around the world. The simple goal is to help visitors navigate their journey in faith by providing rich and varied material about God, faith, and spirituality. That material focuses on a God of grace and compassion, whose chief characteristic is love.
You have the book, now try the Web site. Visit us at www.explorefaith.org. With its emphasis on Gods infinite grace and the importance of experiencing the sacred, its openness and respect for different denominations and religions, and its grounding in the love of God expressed through Christianity, explorefaith.org can become a valued part of your faith-formation and on-going spiritual practice.
GIVING THE MESS SOME MEANING
Introduction
I t is September 1995. Home from the hospital, I am trying to figure out who in the world I am now. I have survived the initial crisis of an attack of acute pancreatitis. I stay in bed most of the day. I very slowly gain some strength. Some days I can eat without ill effect. Some days I cannot. Every pattern to which I have been accustomed has been completely disrupted. Before the pancreatitis I was a healthy, active, engaged womana wife, a mother, an Episcopal priest, a spiritual director, a writer. In a matter of hours all of those identities were turned inside out and upside down as the acute pancreatitis kidnapped my life as I knew it.
When pancreatitis moved through my life like an earthquake, the recovery period left me sufficiently weakened that I found it difficult or impossible to keep the established patterns of my own spiritual practices. I was accustomed to doing yoga, keeping a journal, reading scripture, and praying every morning. At the age of forty-six, I had also begun paying attention to nutrition, exercise, and leisure as part of my own intentional plan for living. All of this was shattered by the acute illness. I barely had the energy to lie on the couch and watch a movie, much less get up and pray. Much of my waking life was dedicated to a daily education about nutrition and the difficulties of living with a weakened pancreas. (My doctor had said, Of all the organs in the body, the pancreas is the most mysterious. We really dont know exactly how it works.)