Carol Howard Merritt - 30-Day Journey with Julian of Norwich

He is our clothing, for he is that love which wraps us and enfolds us, embraces us and guides us, surrounds us for his love, which is so tender that he may never desert us.

Julian of Norwich

Dear Friend,

I open my inbox to discover a rejection letter from a church. It greets me like a punch in the gut. My contract at my current position will end soon, so I am scurrying to find another one. I serve as a transitional pastor, which means I spent most of my chaotic year packing, unpacking, and packing again. And now I am sorting through a series of options, feeling uncertain about my call, knowing that I would love to do Gods will, if I only knew what it looks like. Of course, the trials of a job search pale in comparison to the pandemic that loomsin the news, on surfaces, and even in the air particles surrounding me. Older friends have died alone, a pregnancy ended with a stillbirth, and my teeth feel on edge with constant anxiety when I contemplate what other horrors might be ahead.

In short, my soul desperately needs to hear the words, All shall be well. Each morning throughout this tumultuous storm, Julian of Norwich anchors me in the truth of Gods love and care. Her visions have come as a balm, soothing this scourging suffering with Gods goodness and love.

As you work through the next thirty days of passages, you might want to grab a journal or notebook and spend some time answering the questions at the end of each entry. For I have found that Julians words are not a dip in a shallow pool, but a deep dive. They become most powerful when we can wrestle with them and apply them. I pray that you will feel that same peace as you journey with Julian.

Carol Howard Merritt
July 2020

Julian Asks for Suffering

I desired three graces by the gift of God. The first was to have recollection of Christs passion. The second was a bodily sickness, and the third was to have, of Gods gift, three wounds.

Julian of Norwich was a child during the height of the bubonic plague in Europe. The black death wiped out a quarter of the population. With so much suffering surrounding her, I wonder why she craved the depths of human experience. I construct my life to avoid pain. When I notice the slightest headache creeping into the back of my eyes, I reach for the aspirin and pray the discomfort will dissolve along with the pill. I ask God to take misery away, instead of increasing it. Julian, on the other hand, believed that the adversity would lead her to a bond with Jesus and those who love him.

While I dont desire hardship, I do recognize its strange power. When I meet someone who knows a pain similar to one Ive endured, a peculiar solidarity blossoms. They can see the vulnerable parts I have tried to cover with some sort of mask. A connection grows through the shared heartache of betrayal or loss. Then I turn back to Julian, realizing that when we feel pain within ourselves, we can recognize suffering in others.

For Reflection

Where is the pain in your life? Is there someone you know who shares that suffering? Can you reach out to them or pray for them?

Contrition, Compassion, and Longing

I conceived a great desire, and prayed our Lord God that he would grant me in the course of my life three wounds, that is, the wound of contrition, the wound of compassion, and the wound of longing with my will for God.

Neurologists are working on a pill that can wipe out the memories of traumatic experiences. The possibility terrifies me. Without the memory of suffering, how would we know that we have done something wrong? When we touch an open flame, the pain tells us that we must avoid the heat in the future. In the same way, when we wound another person, our burning regret reminds us to refrain from that action in the future.

Julian knew that we needed the wound of contrition. If we could swallow a pill to wipe out our memories, we would not feel the weight of the things we did wrong. We could no longer sense heartache in others. We could not catch a glimpse of what Christ saw when he suffered the depths of human pain with us.

For Reflection

Write down an action that you regret. Take three deep breaths while remembering the pain you caused in yourself or in another person. Take three more breaths. This time, as you exhale, think of letting go of that pain or remorse. Take three more breaths while imagining God holding you and loving you in your pain.

Passion and Compassion

And suddenly it came into my mind that I ought to wish for the second wound, that our Lord, of his gift and of his grace, would fill my body full with recollection and feeling of his blessed passion, as I had prayed before, for I wished that his pains might be my pains, with compassion which would lead to longing for God.

While I dont understand Julians desire for pain, I do know that I cannot avoid pain in life. When Im going through it, I yearn to attach some meaning to it. I cannot help but ask, Why? Why must I go through this experience? Is there anything that I can learn from it?

Julian found a longing for God in the midst of her pain. Likewise, as I think of times when a prayer constantly hung on my lips, when God felt as close as my breath, I know they took place when I suffered agony, rejection, or loss of a loved one. Moments of divine yearning occur when I walk in the midst of suffering. Misery can produce a raw loneliness. I feel like I cant expose my vulnerable heart to another human, so no one can understand its throbbing bruise. And so, I long for God and hope that the answer to my why will be revealed. In God, I am not alone in the heartache.

For Reflection

Remember a time when you felt particularly near to God. What was happening in your life? Is there a connection between your pain and your longing for God?

Familiar Love

I saw that he is to us everything which is good and comforting for our help. He is our clothing, for he is that love which wraps us and enfolds us, embraces us and guides us, surrounds us for his love, which is so tender that he may never desert us.

As we develop, humans need certain things, like food, water, and shelter. Then we have other necessities that often go unfulfilled. We need tenderness to surround us. We need a sense of belonging. We need to know that no matter how many mistakes we make, we will be loved. Unfortunately, we are all imperfect humans, including our parents. Some parents could not be present. Others could not give us the love we needed. We might have received a transactional affection based on our performance, success, or ability to obey. Or love might have been withheld completely. As a result, we developed into these messy humans who take a lifetime trying to love well.