Nita Tucker - How Not to Screw It Up: 10 Steps to an Extraordinary Relationship

M ost people dont get married with the idea that theres a pretty good chance their marriage will not last. But in fact, 75 percent of first marriages and 60 percent of marriages overall are ending in divorce, which means more couples are divorcing than staying together. Yet couple after couple walk down the aisle believing their marriage is different, or this marriage is different from their previous one(s), and therefore it will last. And what are they doing to ensure that they will not be another statistic of failure? Nothing.

Weve been taught and conditioned to think that there is nothing to do after the I do. This book, however, is about some things you can donot only to prevent divorce but to have an extraordinary, healthy, fulfilling relationship.

The three most commonly held ideas about marriage today are:

1. It takes constant work to have a successful relationship.

2. Both parties in the relationship need to be committed to the success of the relationshipin other words, a good marriage is a 50/50 proposition.

3. When couples grow apart it is sufficient and legitimate cause for divorce.

Based on these three ideas, it is quite possible to find yourself feeling anxious and burdened by your relationship rather than nurtured and happy. It doesnt have to be that way. This book is based on two radical ideas that counter the current myths about marriage:

1. It only takes one person to have a healthy, happy relationship, and

2. What there is to do is a matter of fun and play, not work.

If you are willing to entertain these two possibilities, then the challenges and problems that come alongeven from something as apparently fatal as growing apartcan not only be dealt with successfully but can leave you with an even stronger, closer relationship.

A fter much work and research I found and married a great guy. (This process is described in my earlier book, How Not to Stay Single: 10 Steps to a Great Relationship, and many of the things I learned then are included here.) Once I found Tony, I was very intent on holding on to him. And I wasnt just interested in an ordinary, staying together kind of arrangement. I wanted our relationship to continue to be fantastic, romantic, and passionate. But my track record in relationships didnt give me much confidence I could pull it off, so I set out on a mission to discover the secrets of successful relationships.

I started by talking to couples who not only had been together for a long time but were still happily married. When I asked them their secrets, many of them gave me the same answer: Dont go to bed angry at each other. Although I considered this great advice, it simply was not sufficient. I knew more went into the making of a fulfilling relationship than this one rule. I decided to dig deeper.

Rather than just interviewing happily married couples, I began to observe them. I also formulated questions that brought out more information. My marriage is a testament to how well this process worked and how valuable it has been. Tony and I have been married for fifteen years, and each year is more incredible than the last. We have been through the tests of losing our parents, infertility, adopting two children, terrific financial gain, and later financial trouble. Through all of this, weve gotten closer and continued to have fun, exciting, and passionate lives.

I have learned that when I slack off and dont do the things I know I should do to keep our marriage great, it soon becomes boring and lifeless. Fortunately, I now know exactly what to do to get it back into shape. And with this book, you, too, will understand how to apply the same knowledge in your own relationship. It will show you what to do in response to those problems that seem to pop up out of nowhere. It will teach you to identify the red flags so that you can keep many problems from developing. You will have the skills and tools to steer the relationship through storms and doldrums rather than riding them out or losing the relationship completely.

F or more than ten years I have been giving seminars for singles called How Not to Stay Single. The seminars have been very successful, and many participants have found mates. Some of them have come back to me with the question: Now that Ive found someone, what do I do with him/her? In response, I developed a five-week course for couples called The Art and Science of Extraordinary Relationships. Ive been giving this course for seven years. This book is based on my own experience as well as the hundreds of couples I have worked with over the years. And like my course, it is built around the two radical ideas of play and responsibility.

People used to get married and stay married forever. There was really no other option. Divorce was a drastic measure. A man could lose his job because of the stigma of being divorced; a woman faced poverty and scandal. So, right or wrong, good or bad, a marriage continued.

Now the pendulum has swung to the other side. We are quick to end our relationships. If you ask people today why they divorced, most will tell you either that they grew apart or that their mate was the wrong person. I believe the real culprit is neglect. The truth is that all relationships, even if youve found your perfect soul mate, begin to deteriorate without the care and nourishment they need to keep them healthy and alive.

Then I often hear people say, A relationship takes a lot of work or Youve got to constantly work on your relationship. This sounds so burdensome, so full of drudgery. In fact, working on your relationship is more likely to be a factor in destroying it. Im interested in people having relationships that are fun, exciting, challenging, passionate, and loving. It is when these positive qualities are missing that a relationship falls apart. So, putting them back in, which is fun, is what is needed, not work.

Im not saying it doesnt take time, discipline, and focus. Of course it does. But time, discipline, and focusplus a lot of passionare the heart of creativity and play. Instead of the struggle and effort we often associate with work, my approach calls for imagination, energy, care, and attention. Doing what it takes to have an exciting, fulfilling relationship is about designing rather than rehabilitating, playing rather than fighting, and inventing rather than compromising.