Michelle Wilson - The Beautiful Balance: Claiming Personal Control and Giving the Rest to God

The Beautiful Balance

The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man.

Euripides

The Stormy Day

A few years ago, my oldest daughter fell sick. The rain and wind angrily pelted the outside of our home in one of the worst storms Washington State had seen in years. Inside, Paige lay on the couch, groaning, pale, and lethargic, with a temperature of 104 degrees. She was rarely ill, so I called the doctor, who urged me to bring her right in. With my husband at work and my young son in school, Paige and I started the trek alone.

The wind rocked my van as I pulled onto the main road. Ominous clouds darkened the sky above; large tree branches and, in some cases, entire trees littered the road below. A downed power line taunted us as we crawled by. I bit my lip in frustration as I edged past a large tree resting on its side, its muddy roots reaching toward the sky. It was a frustrating and painfully slow obstacle course. Paige groaned from the backseat, quickening my already racing heart.

Soon we found ourselves caught in a stalemate with stand-still traffic and debris. My knuckles turned white on the steering wheel. I needed to get her to the doctor! Didnt the people, nature, and the heavens understand? My thoughts turned to my son, who was attending elementary school ten miles away. Frightening scenarios swirled through my mind. What if a tree fell on the school? What if there was an emergency and I couldnt get to him? What if I couldnt protect him because I was trapped here? Frustration turned to panic, and as I looked at the chaos around me, both in the sky and on the ground, my panic turned to helplessness. There was nothing I could do. I had absolutely no control.

A dreadful feeling rose inside as the reality of this awful truth sank in. You see, I love feeling in control. I find great comfort and a sense of safety in organizing and maintaining my environment. In fact, the remote control is one of my favorite accessories. With the press of a button, I can turn off what I dont want to see, watch what I want to see, and, because of my awesome DVR, even fast-forward through unwanted commercials. Once, I tried pointing it at my arguing kids. It didnt work. Then I tried pointing it at my thighs to see if I could turn them downagain, nothing.

When I feel like I am in control, I feel safe, at peace. I like knowing I have a say in what goes on around me. But when I feel out of control, I often feel helpless and afraid, like I did in that moment in my van. And I didnt like it one bit.

In the middle of the storm, I wanted control. My daughter was sick, traffic wasnt moving, my son was far away, and I couldnt do anything about any of it. I whispered a desperate prayer that I could do something, anything, to change the situation.

Then came an unexpected answer: You dont have control.

That was so not the answer Id wanted. God was supposed to part the cars like the Red Sea or make my daughters fever disappear or calm the skies or bring back the sunnot tell me my greatest fear of having no control was a reality! Was there anything I had control of?

My thoughts reached beyond my immediate circumstances to all the other areas of my life, such as my childrens choices as they grew, my husbands decisions, the totality of my health, my financial situation. I realized I couldnt control any of it. The list of items and events out of my control grew like the thundering storm: the people at church, my neighbors, the stock market, war, famine, or much of anything else for that matter! It felt like everything around me was beyond my control, and I felt terrified.

A rock hit the windshield and brought me back to the moment. I needed to save Paige. In my distress, I had the thought that perhaps God didnt fully understand what was at stake, that if I explained to Him again what I wanted to happen, what I thought needed to happen, He would calm the storm and my heart. So, frightened and bit angry, I petitioned Him again with all the faith and feeling I could muster. But the road remained clogged, and the storm raged on. I felt abandoned, hurt, and utterly helpless.

Then another unexpected answer came.

It was not a reprieve from the forces of nature, nor was it the healing of my ailing daughter. In that storm, I was given a piece of heavenly wisdom, one simple eternal principle that settled into my heart and mind: No, you do not have control over your surroundings, but there is no need to fear. I have given you control over the one thing that mattersyourself. You take care of you, and I will take care of the rest.

Understanding broke through the black clouds to the reality that everything around me was temporary; however, I was an eternal being, and the choices I made, the way I controlled myself, would determine who I was right then and who I would be when I met the Savior.

In the great intercessory prayer, Jesus prayed for each of us to know a simple yet vital truth: And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent (John 17:3). He didnt ask for me to control the stalled sea of cars in front of me or to protect my family from lifes stormsHe asked only that I come to know Him and our Father. And the way I come to know Them is to become like Them; and the way to become like Them is through the choices I make, to embrace the gift of agency Ive been given. To claim personal control.

A sense of empowerment began to swell at the latter part of His answer to me. I could also choose to trust God and let go of the rest. I could choose to believe that He really did know what was best in the grand scheme of things, that He was aware of me, my daughter, and the rest of my family, and that He loved us.

That balance of control, I realize now, is one of the fundamentals of a balanced life. As we strive to master ourselves, to grab hold of what we have been given dominion over, with an eye seeking Gods will, we can have peace and direction in our lives.

So I did just that: I chose to grab hold and let go of control.

In that moment when all appeared wrong, I felt more right than I had in years. I was excited because in a world of uncertainty, the one certainty I did have control over was the one that mattered most: the power and ability to claim personal control. God was taking care of the rest.

Soon the traffic cleared, and I was able to get Paige the help she needed to return to good health. My son and husband were safe, and all was well. Later, as I pondered that day, I realized everything went back to the way it wasexcept for me. I had changed. I felt stronger, more at peace. I felt empowered and focused. I knew the world would still be a crazy, unpredictable, and scary place I couldnt control, but I had no need to fear, because I knew what I could do and trusted the rest to Him.

High Heels in a Bouncy House

There are times when I lose the focus I gained in my van that day and perhaps even forget the power that lies within me and the heavens above, when I let fear and doubt cast a shadow on my faith in myself and in God. Its especially difficult when I feel like Im doing the best I can and the world is intent on crashing down around me.

Early one morning, Paige shared a dream that captured what Ive felt like so often. She excitedly relayed in great detail random happenings and strange people, most of which my tired brain could not keep up withuntil she said, And then I was wearing high heels in a bouncy house. Though she was referring to herself, an image splashed vividly across the back of my mostly shut eyelids of a stunned, stiletto-wearing woman trying to navigate the unstable vinyl floor of a colorful inflatable structure. Then with a POP!, the bouncy house deflated around her. I chuckled softly. When she strapped on her high heels that morning, Ill bet she wasnt expecting to end up in a collapsing bouncy house.