James R. White - Grieving: Your Path Back to Peace

Grieving
YOUR PATH BACK TO PEACE

1997 by James R. White

Published by Bethany House Publishers
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287.

E-book edition created 2010

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwisewithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

ISBN 978-1-4412-1200-9

Library of Congress Cataloging-In-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

Scripture quotations are taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by the Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

This book is lovingly dedicated to the memory
of Autumn Dawn Middleton.
She lived only a short while on this earth,
but in that brief time she brought joy
into the lives of so many, including, especially,
her grandpa Mike Middleton,
for whom this book is also written.

Contents

two. Am I the Only One Who
Feels This Way?

one
AUTUMNS
GRANDPA MIKE

When I picked up the phone I thought my friend Mike was calling about my computer. He had kept me sane during the preceding weeks when I was going through upgrade trauma, and I thought he was calling about the next item we needed to replace. I was wrong.

Jim, he said, his voice strangely thin. I lost my granddaughter last night. Shes gone.

Ministers and those who have worked as hospital chaplains have this strange belief that they are supposed to have immediate answers in such situations. We think we are supposed to be superhuman or something and always prepared for such an announcement. I proved my humanity by responding with nothing more than, What?

Mike went on to tell me more about what had happened. His granddaughter, Autumn Dawn, had been born four weeks and one day earlier. I remembered his joy and pride at his first grandchild. But now she was gone, and as Mike said, Last night I just wanted to die. Ive lived forty-seven years in this world and made a mess of things. Why couldnt God take me and leave her?

I had gathered enough of my wits about me to realize that now was not the time for in-depth theological analysis of the transcendent reasons behind this tragedy. There would be time enough for that another day. For now, I simply wanted to be there for my friend, so I asked if there was anything I could do.

The viewing was Friday night. Ive done my share of funerals, having worked as a hospital chaplain, so I am not a stranger to death. But there is simply something wrong with seeing a twenty-nine-day-old baby girl in a funeral chapel. My mind didnt want to accept the reality before me. I held Mike and we cried together.

The funeral was the next morning. The congregation of Mikes church was there for him. His pastor did a masterful job. I dont believe I could have made it through such an experience. I simply cant control my tears well enough. They took the tiny cradle out of the church and whisked it away in a hearse. Words failed me.

That night I made up a card for Mike. I inserted some pictures I had obtained of Autumn from a memorial Mike put on the Internet for her. Accompanied by my seven-year-old daughter, Summer Marie, I went over to Mikes house to deliver the card. After spending some time in the house, we went outside. As I was getting ready to leave, I gave Mike a hug. There was a moment of silence, and then Summer threw her arms open wide and said, My turn! As Mike knelt down to receive from Summer the greatest gift she could give him, I thought about how wonderful it is that God puts others in our lives.

And so begins a process in Mikes life. The viewing and the funeral are just the beginning. The process of grieving has now begun. It will not be an orderly process. It will oftentimes call him into the darkest alleys of emotional pain, and at times propel him into confusion, sadness, and even, once in a while, joy. But it is a process that he will go through for two simple reasons: he is human, and he loved. Since he is human, he will grieve, for God designed us that way. And since he opened his heart and loved his granddaughter, Autumn Dawn, he will grieve the loss of that special little girl. Anyone who is old enough to love is old enough to grieve. Fight as we might against it, that is the way God made us.

Christians Grieve, Too

My friend Mike enters into grief as a Christian. There is no promise in Scripture that says a believer will be spared these kinds of tragedies none at all. The promise is that God will be with those who mourn, not that He will keep them from such things. But what will it mean to Mike that he goes into this process believing that Jesus Christ died and rose again? How will this impact his grief?

Sadly, some Christians think that they should not grieve. My loved one is in a better place, so why should I grieve? Yes, your loved one may well be in a better place, but you have lost an important part of your life, and that causes mourning and grief. We miss that person and the love we shared. Being a Christian does not remove your human feelings from you. You will grieve that loss, just like every other human being.

So what is the difference? The apostle Paul summed up the difference very well when he wrote to the Thessalonians about their loved ones who had died:

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren,
about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as
do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus
died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him
those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.

1 THESSALONIANS 4:1314

Some might misunderstand the import of Pauls words and understand him to be saying that Christians should not grieve. That is not his point. He says that Christians should not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. It is not grief that Paul says the believer should not experience: it is grief without hope. That is the key difference.

Christians grieve, just like all other human beings. But the major and all-important difference is that Christians grieve in hope. They live in hope of the resurrection of the dead, made a surety in their experience by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. They live in hope of His redemption, His return, His glory. They grieve knowing the truth of Pauls words to the Corinthians:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts
us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort
those who are in any affliction with the comfort with
which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 CORINTHIANS 1:34

Available to the Christian is the comfort of God himself. The One who gave His own Son on our behalf, and who certainly knows, then, the depths of love in that self-sacrificial love of the Cross, promises to comfort us in our pain and sorrow. That is why the Christian grieves, but in hope.

As we briefly discuss the grieving process, we will often find that the believer and nonbeliever alike share the same experiences. But when it comes to the point of how one moves through the process and how one