Marilyn E. Gootman Ed.D. - When a Friend Dies: A Book for Teens About Grieving & Healing

Text copyright 2019, 2005, 1994 by Marilyn E. Gootman, Ed.D.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Gootman, Marilyn E., author.

Title: When a friend dies : a book for teens about grieving and healing / Marilyn E. Gootman, Ed.D.

Description: Updated 3rd edition. | Minneapolis, MN : Free Spirit Publishing Inc., [2019]

Identifiers: LCCN 2018058106 | ISBN 9781631984228 (pbk) | ISBN 1631984225 (pbk) | ISBN 9781631984235 (web pdf) | ISBN 9781631984242 (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: Grief in adolescenceJuvenile literature. | Bereavement in childrenJuvenile literature. | Bereavement in adolescenceJuvenile literature. | Grief in childrenJuvenile literature. | Teenagers and deathJuvenile literature. | Children and deathJuvenile literature.

Classification: LCC BF724.3.G73 G66 2019 | DDC 155.9/370835dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018058106

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The quotes from Nadia Morillo (p. 4), Alexis Gendron (p. 14), and Augustus Griffith Jr. (p. 18) are excerpted from the book Parkland Speaks: Survivors from Marjory Stoneman Douglas Share Their Stories , Sarah Lerner, ed. (New York: Crown Books for Young Readers, 2019).

Reading Level Grades 7 & Up; Interest Level Ages 11 & up;

Fountas & Pinnell Guided Reading Level Z

Edited by Pamela Espeland and Alison Behnke

Cover and interior design by Shannon Pourciau

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A great starting place for young people who are hurting.

Voice of Youth Advocates

This compassionate book gracefully addresses the unique needs of teen grievers. It is accessible without being patronizing and allows them to work through their experience by building on the stories of others.

Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.,
director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition

This compassionate, user-friendly book lists pages of resources and suggested reading, and should be made available to teens.

School Library Journal

When a Friend Dies offers a voice of understanding and guidance during the very personal and often lonely experience of loss. Dr. Gootmans book is a friend who shares our journey of grief, a friend who does not take offense if we just want to be alone, and a friend we can introduce to others who need comfort. I am truly grateful for this book.

John Bell, singer/guitarist, Widespread Panic

To my children, Elissa, Jennifer, and Michael

This book was inspired by my love and compassion for you and your friends. While I cannot protect you from losses, I hope I can help you through them.

FOREWORD

by Michael Stipe, singer/songwriter, R.E.M.

When a Friend Dies is a book about acceptance and compassion. Accepting the sadness, confusion, and pain we experience with loss is as important as healing and moving forward. Showing compassion for yourself is about letting the feelings come and go as they do naturally. There is no right or wrong way to feel when someone dies.

Right now, you may be feeling things youve never felt beforeand if you cant understand what youre going through, how could anyone else? No one can completely understand. Everybody hurts in their own way, and your grieving and pain are uniquely your own. But feeling lonely and grieving on your own isnt the same as being alone. Youre not alone.

In this book, other teens share how they felt when their friend died. Reading their words can give you a chance to reflect on your own feelings in a new way. The books questions and suggestions offer help and reassurance that you can make it through. Be gentle with yourself, take the time you need, and know that the greatest tribute to your friend is just being you .

INTRODUCTION

Kids are not supposed to die. Its against all the rules of nature. Its not right. Its not fair. It shouldnt ever happen. But it does happen and when it does, its scary.

If someone you know has died, this book is for you. I hope it will bring you comfort and help you heal.

When my daughter Elissa was a teenager, one of her friends died. I saw how this death affected my daughter. I spent a lot of time talking with her and being with her, but I also wished there was a book I could give to her. At that time, most books written about death and dying spoke about teenagers, not to them. As youll see, this book speaks directly to you.

Some of the words are mine. Some of the words are those of teenagers whose friends have died, or of famous people who have spoken or written about death. All are meant for you to read at your own pace, in your own time.

You might read this book from cover to cover all at once, starting now. You might read it in little piecesa page or two today, a paragraph tomorrow, more the day after or next week. How you read it is up to you. But do try to think about the questions, because they will help you understand what is happening to you. And do try the suggestionssome of them or all of them. They have helped other teenagers, and they may help you too. You wont know unless you give them a chance.

If you think you need more help, consider talking with a counselor or a therapist. Youre going through a lot right nowmaybe more than you can handle on your own, or with this book, or even with the support of parents, other family members, or close friends. Counselors and therapists are trained to help people through tough times. A shares ideas about where to start looking for this kind of expert help.

You may want to read more . You can also ask a librarian for ideas, or the media specialist at your school, a school counselor, a religious or spiritual leader, or anyone else whose advice you value and trust.

Bottom line? You should do whatever works for you to help yourself heal. You have had a terrible shock, and you need to take care of yourself.

This book can be a part of taking care of yourself. Share it with family adults and teachers. They need to know what you are going through, and this book may help them understand. Especially if you sometimes have trouble putting your feelings into words, this book can speak for you.

Whatever you decide to doabout this book, about your grief, about anything in your life right nowI can promise you one thing: You will heal with time. You have probably heard this before. Maybe you dont believe it, but its true. Not because I say sobecause other teenagers say so. They have lived through, learned from, and grown by the horrible experience of having a friend die. You can too.