Cracked.com - The De-Textbook: The Stuff You Didnt Know About the Stuff You Thought You Knew

EDITOR IN CHIEF

Jack OBrien

EXECUTIVE EDITOR

David Wong

HEAD WRITER

Daniel OBrien

SENIOR EDITORS

Michael Swaim, Robert Brockway, Soren Bowie, Kristi Harrison, Adam Tod Brown, Cody Johnston

CONTRIBUTORS

Jacopo della Quercia, Robert Evans, C. Coville, Eddie Rodriguez, Alexander L. Hoffman, Karl Smallwood, Cyriaque Lamar, Tom Reimann, Maxwell Yezpitelok, S. Peter Davis, Christian Ames, R. Jason Benson, Kathy Benjamin, Danny Harkins, Eric Yosomono, Juan Arteaga, David Dietle, Elford Alley, Pauli Poisuo, Christina H., Crystal Beran, Dennis Hong, Rohan Ramakrishnan, Cezary Jan Strusiewicz, Clive Jameson, Evan V. Symon, Jake Klink, Levi Ritchi, Lola C., M. Asher Cantrell, Xavier Jackson, Adam Wears, Brendan McGinley, Christian-Madera, Colin Murdock, Craig Thomas, Dan Seitz, David A. Vindiola, Geoffrey Young, J. F. Sargent, Jack Mendoza, Jake Slocum, Jonathan Wojcik, Justin Crockett, Katherine Smith, Kenny Thompson, Kevin Forde, Mark M., Martin Bear, Michael Voll, Mohammed Shariff, Nathan Birch, Philip Moon, Rob Sylvester, S. Peter Davis, Samuel Bloodthirst, Shayn Nicely, Steve Kolenberg, Tom Lagana, XJ Selman

ART DIRECTORS

Monique Wolf, Randall Maynard

COVER ART

Adam Simpson

COPY EDITORS

Sheila Moody, Erica Ferguson, Andrea Reuter

SPECIAL THANKS

Becky Cole, Kate Napolitano, Jaya Miceli, Demand Media, Dan Strone at Trident Media Group, John Cheese, Sean Reiley, Chris Bucholz, Wayne Gladstone, Luke McKinney, Ian Fortey, Alex Green, Kristin Plate, spouses, moms, dads

PLUME

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) LLC

375 Hudson Street

New York, New York 10014

USA | Canada | UK | Ireland | Australia | New Zealand | India | South Africa | China

penguin.com

A Penguin Random House Company

First published by Plume, a member of Penguin Group (USA) LLC, 2013

Copyright Demand Media, Inc., 2013

Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.

Page 209 constitutes an extension of this copyright page.

Cracked is a trademark and/or registered trademark of Demand Media, Inc., in the United States and/or other countries.

REGISTERED TRADEMARKMARCA REGISTRADA

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

The detextbook : the stuff you didnt know about the stuff you thought you knew / CRACKED.com.

pages cm

Includes index.

ISBN 978-0-698-15804-7

1. Common fallacies. 2. HistoryErrors, inventions, etc. 3. Errors, ScientificMiscellanea. 4. Medical misconceptionsMiscellanea. I. Cracked.com.

AZ999.D47 2013

001.96dc23

2013022408

For granting us continual existence through its inconceivable power, we dedicate this book to the sun. Thanks for not eating us yet.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Even before our own mothers, the Cracked editors would like to thank the heaps of talented comedy writers who fearlessly throw their ideas to the wolves every day in our Writers Workshop. Without their tireless hunt for all things fascinating and their long-suffering tolerance of our fickle, occasionally drunken demands, this book would never have been possible.

We would also like to thank the wolves, those Workshop and forum moderators who believe in something greater than themselves, and have inexplicably chosen a comedy website as that something. They never kill an idea or a profile without reverence and necessity, and in doing so, maintain the precarious balance between fascist order and lawless swill hole that Cracked could collapse into without their diligence.

We owe a huge debt of gratitude to Randall Maynard, Monique Wolf, and the rest of the design team for arranging every inch of this book, as well as Andrea Reuter for her patient and flawless copyediting. The debt of gratitude, we should note, has no monetary value because we already paid them handsomely. If they are shoeless and blackout drunk in a box somewhere today, thats on them.

Thanks also to everyone at Demand Media, first and foremost Richard Rosenblatt, Shawn Colo, Stewart Marlborough, our PR, marketing, sales, and especially our legal team for allowing us to continue this extensive, highly scientific experiment into the healing properties of dick jokes. Also, thank you to the Cracked team including Abe Epperson, Adam Ganser, Breandan Carter, Mandy Ng, Simon Ja, Billy Janes, Greg Shabonav, Stephen Lopez, Jason Gu, and Mitchell Thomas, who keep the entire site running.

We would especially like to thank Kathleen Napolitano and Becky Cole from Penguin, Jaya Miceli and Adam Simpson for designing the polished cover you now hold in your strong and capable hands, and our agent Dan Strone from Trident Media Group for understanding the importance of foul language and tasteful nudity.

Lastly, thank you to those once great leaders of Cracked who couldnt be here today, Oren Katzeff and Greg Boudewijn. They are in a better place now, at higher-paying jobs.

Oh shit, and our moms! Sorry, moms, for saying shit just now.

INTRODUCTION

A Brief Recap of Your Squandered Education

Welcome to school, the propaganda wing of your parents battle to win your hearts and minds, or at least get you to quiet down for a single goddamn second before Mommy does something crazy. An annoying number of pointless questions are going to start popping into your head. You come into the conscious part of your life as a barely contained vortex of pure uncut curiosity, and the people in charge of your education are like Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon moviescounting down the days until theyre able to retire with some peace and quiet, and most assuredly too old for this shit.

The Sacred Pact of the Bad Teachers Alliance

Teachers are fighting a nonstop battle to bring the energy in the room down to their level, which meant there was some stuff they couldnt tell you about. Because the truth is, and dont tell them we told you this, the world around you is fucking amazing. Its just way easier to manage a classroom full of children on the verge of falling asleep than one that is vibrating with sheer, joyous energy because nobody can freaking believe how goddamn amazing blue whales are!