Moses Laura - Things You Should Already Know About Dating, You F*cking Idiot

Chances are youve been in this situation before: Youre on a date. Its going well! Then, suddenly, your date looks at you like youre a fucking idiot and somehow youve blown it. Guess youre going to die alone, right? NOT IF YOU READ THIS BOOK! The thing is, youre probably not even sure what went wrong on that date. Was it your clothes? Your jokes? Your palpable loneliness? Who knowstodays dating scene is a mess. We live in a world where its become easier to have a relationship over the phone than in person. Common courtesies have been replaced by emojis, and feelings are now expressed through GIFs and memes.

So its not a shock you didnt know that youre supposed to WALK YOUR DATE TO THEIR CAR, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! Sure, youre doing great electronicallyyour text game is on point and your Twitter feed is fire, but we will teach you how to be a considerate human being on a date in REAL LIFE. This book contains one hundred simple tips to guide you through hypothetical dating scenarios. Each tip is paired with a discussion between two people to show you how awesome it is when you take our adviceand how shitty it is when you dont. In case words arent your thing, youll also find an adorable illustration next to each tip to make the yucky process of fixing your romantic life a little more whimsical! So do yourself a favor and read this book immediately, and maybe the next time you show up to a date youll have a fighting chance at not dying alone.

When youre asking someone out, be clear that its a date. Guy: Wanna come over and chill? Girl: What does that mean? Guy: Uh, you know chiiiiiill. Girl: Chill could mean anything.

Am I coming over to watch cat videos or am I coming over to plow? Guy: Wow ummm both?

The guy doesnt have to ask the girl out. Either of you can do the asking. Guy: Traditionally, doesnt the guy ask the girl out? Girl: Times are a-changin, gramps, we have cars that drive themselves now. Anyone can ask anyone. Guy: OK. Then ask me out.

Girl: I dont want to go out with you. Guy: But what if I ask you out? Girl: Woof

Make sure the location isnt right next to you and moons away from them. Girl: Theres a cool spot around the corner from me. You wanna meet there? Guy: Sounds great. (One bus ride, three subway transfers, and a ten-block walk later.) Guy: Lets just be friends. Girl: How much are you going to spend? Guy: How good that pussy? Girl: Excuse me? Guy: I said around forty bucks. Girl: How much are you going to spend? Guy: How good that pussy? Girl: Excuse me? Guy: I said around forty bucks.

Girl: I thought I heard Guy: FORTY. BUCKS. For a first date, start small and meet for a drink. Guy: We can always upgrade from a drink to a meal if its going well. Girl: And if the meal goes well? Guy: Upgrade to dessert and more drinks! Girl: And if that goes well? Guy: Meet my parents and lock it up! Girl: Really? Guy: No, you fucking idiot.