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Ben Schwartz - Things You Should Already Know About Dating, You F*cking Idiot

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A hilarious illustrated collection of tips for successfully navigating the dating world as a millennial.
For single millennials, this situation is all too familiar: Youre on a date. Its going well! Then suddenly your date looks at you like youre a f*cking idiot and you never hear from that person again. Guess youre going to die alone, right? Maybe not! Humble authors Ben Schwartz and Laura Moses have written a book to save the future of the human race: Things You Should Already Know About Dating, You F*cking Idiot, a collection of 100 dating tips--complete with illustrations--that teaches clueless guys and girls the dos and donts of dating. In their book, Ben and Laura cover all the basics, from Why are you texting in just Emojis, dummy?! to Stop playing games, idiot! and, of course, PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN, A**HOLE! Simply put, this book will make you laugh and finally give you a fighting chance at not dying alone.

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Thank you for buying this ebook published by HachetteDigital To receive - photo 1
Thank you for buying this ebook, published by HachetteDigital.
To receive special offers, bonus content, and news about ourlatest ebooks and apps, sign up for our newsletters. Sign Up Or visit us at hachettebookgroup.com/newsletters
Copyright 2017 by Ben Schwartz and Laura Moses Illustrations by Laura Moses Cover design by Amanda Kain Cover copyright 2017 by Hachette Book Group, Inc. Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the value of copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers and artists to produce the creative works that enrich our culture. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission is a theft of the authors intellectual property. If you would like permission to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please contact permissions@hbgusa.com.

Thank you for your support of the authors rights. Hachette Books Hachette Book Group 1290 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10104 hachettebooks.com twitter.com/hachettebooks First Edition: October 2017 Hachette Books is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The Hachette Books name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher. The Hachette Speakers Bureau provides a wide range of authors for speaking events. To find out more, go to www.hachettespeakersbureau.com or call (866) 376-6591.

LCCN: 2017936870 ISBNs: 978-0-316-46532-8 (trade paperback), 978-0-316-43500-0 (ebook) E3-20170829-JV-NF

Chances are youve been in this situation before: Youre on a date. Its going well! Then, suddenly, your date looks at you like youre a fucking idiot and somehow youve blown it. Guess youre going to die alone, right? NOT IF YOU READ THIS BOOK! The thing is, youre probably not even sure what went wrong on that date. Was it your clothes? Your jokes? Your palpable loneliness? Who knowstodays dating scene is a mess. We live in a world where its become easier to have a relationship over the phone than in person. Common courtesies have been replaced by emojis, and feelings are now expressed through GIFs and memes.

So its not a shock you didnt know that youre supposed to WALK YOUR DATE TO THEIR CAR, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! Sure, youre doing great electronicallyyour text game is on point and your Twitter feed is fire, but we will teach you how to be a considerate human being on a date in REAL LIFE. This book contains one hundred simple tips to guide you through hypothetical dating scenarios. Each tip is paired with a discussion between two people to show you how awesome it is when you take our adviceand how shitty it is when you dont. In case words arent your thing, youll also find an adorable illustration next to each tip to make the yucky process of fixing your romantic life a little more whimsical! So do yourself a favor and read this book immediately, and maybe the next time you show up to a date youll have a fighting chance at not dying alone.

Here you are, a lonely dummy who doesnt want to be lonely anymore. Youve been on dates and cried through breakups and it all sucks, so what else is there to do but take off your pants and eat some cookies? FUCK THAT! Its time to get up and change your life! No more DMing randoms or texting late-night hook-ups.

You need to go on a date with a real-life human being of substance. But where do you start? How do you ask someone out? What do you wear? Will there be snacks? Take a deep breath we are about to break it down for you.

Asking Someone Out
Call, text, email, DM it doesnt matter how you ask, just ask.
Guy: Id text you. I would never call you. That is so rude.

Girl: Asking me out over text is rude! Calling feels special. Guy: But if I call you, we would have to talk. Girl: What do you think were going to do on the date? Guy: This is moving too fast.

When youre asking someone out be clear that its a date Guy Wanna come over - photo 2
When youre asking someone out, be clear that its a date. Guy: Wanna come over and chill? Girl: What does that mean? Guy: Uh, you know chiiiiiill. Girl: Chill could mean anything.

Am I coming over to watch cat videos or am I coming over to plow? Guy: Wow ummm both?

The guy doesnt have to ask the girl out Either of you can do the asking - photo 3
The guy doesnt have to ask the girl out. Either of you can do the asking.
Guy Traditionally doesnt the guy ask the girl out Girl Times are a-changin - photo 4
Guy: Traditionally, doesnt the guy ask the girl out? Girl: Times are a-changin, gramps, we have cars that drive themselves now. Anyone can ask anyone. Guy: OK. Then ask me out.

Girl: I dont want to go out with you. Guy: But what if I ask you out? Girl: Woof

The Location
Make sure the location isnt right next to you and moons away from them. Girl: Theres a cool spot around the corner from me. You wanna meet there? Guy: Sounds great. (One bus ride, three subway transfers, and a ten-block walk later.) Guy: Lets just be friends.
Girl How much are you going to spend Guy How good that pussy Girl Excuse - photo 6
Girl: How much are you going to spend? Guy: How good that pussy? Girl: Excuse me? Guy: I said around forty bucks.
Girl How much are you going to spend Guy How good that pussy Girl Excuse - photo 6
Girl: How much are you going to spend? Guy: How good that pussy? Girl: Excuse me? Guy: I said around forty bucks.

Girl: I thought I heard Guy: FORTY. BUCKS. For a first date, start small and meet for a drink. Guy: We can always upgrade from a drink to a meal if its going well. Girl: And if the meal goes well? Guy: Upgrade to dessert and more drinks! Girl: And if that goes well? Guy: Meet my parents and lock it up! Girl: Really? Guy: No, you fucking idiot.

Make a reservation You might as wellit doesnt cost any money Guy But its - photo 7
Make a reservation You might as wellit doesnt cost any money Guy But its - photo 8
Make a reservation.

You might as wellit doesnt cost any money.

Guy But its so embarrassing if I have a reservation and theres nobody in the - photo 9
Guy: But its so embarrassing if I have a reservation and theres nobody in the restaurant. Girl: Isnt it more embarrassing to be turned away because you dont have a reservation? Guy: No.
What to Wear/Getting There
Dress like yourself.
Girl Why are you dressed like James Bond Guy All I have is this or ten pairs - photo 10
Girl: Why are you dressed like James Bond? Guy: All I have is this or ten pairs of cargo shorts. Girl: Rethink your entire life.

Dont be late. Guys text: Im gonna be fifteen minutes late. Girls text: Every minute youre late, I will be on a dating app texting someone else. Guys text: Be there in two.

Holy shit You did it Youre on a date Theres an actual person sitting in - photo 11
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