Dave Singleton - The Mandates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating

Table of Contents

To my mother Jan, who always wanted me to write a book
(though I dont think this is what she had in mind)
and
To Victor Lemas

Acknowledgments

IF THIS IS anything like the Grammy Awards, then I have thirty seconds in which to thank the world, God, P. Diddy, all the little people I stepped on to get this book published and, of course, Cher, before they yank me off the stage. So here goes.

Do you know how some things just seem to have a lucky star? This book was one of them, judging by the people who supported The Mandates.

To my agent Paula Balzer: thank you for your enthusiasm, wisdom, and the uncompromising crticial eye you apply to books as well as hats. Both the book and I are much, much better off for knowing you. Thanks also to the fantastic Sarah Lazin, as well as Hannah Slagle, of Sarah Lazin Books.

To Rachel Kahan, superstar editor: thanks for your brilliant editing, support, enthusiasm, and the priceless emails. Professionally and personally, you have been a joy to work with from the minute we met. Special thanks to the awesome team at Crown who worked so hard on The Mandates: Brian Belfiglio (director of publicity), Kay Schuckart (interior design), Mary Schuck (cover design), and Susan Westendorf (production editor), whose role ran the gamut from big picture cohesion to minutia like spelling clothing designers names and Alanis Morisette songs correctly (Sadly, I must have some mental block).

My gratitude goes to Doug Clegg, Parker Ray (aka Ben Rogers), JR Pratts, Bruce Shenitz, Lisa Malmud, Sean ONeill, Oscar Desierto, and the other writers, editors, designers, and publishers who offered support and insight. To David Rakoff, David Sedaris, Carrie Fisher, Bruce Vilanch, Marianne Williamson, Jill Connor Browne, and Michael Chabon: your books are where I go when the well runs dry and I need some inspiration.

Since the writing of a book is a pretty solitary business, I also want to thank a few friends who supported me and, without always knowing it, kept me company while I was writing: Suzanne Rittereiser, Paul Malmud, Mary Ann Donaghy, Christina Rudolf, Carol Nicotera-Ward, Susan Strawbridge, Liz Wilson, Margaret Rosen, Sara Meling, Karen Quinn, Liz Sorota, Frank Morgan, Gerry Valentine, Randolph Hooks, Tom Downing, Carol Monson, Michael Privitera, the O Positive Promotions chicks (Dude and Kermit, too), and Kim Repp.

I am fortunate to have a supportive family and want to thank them (especially my siblings who make me laugh all the time): Jan, Jim, Bruce, Beau, Judi, Elizabeth, Kaya, Katie, Amy, Matt, Chris, Jennifer, Lee, Libby, and my Dad, for instilling in me through osmosis a great love of words. Id also like to thank the coolest family-in-law anyone could have, including Manny, Lee, Lisa, Jennifer, Sarah, their mates, and kids.

There is no way that this book, or much else in my life, would have happened without the following people. Though I can never fully pay off my karmic debt to them for deep and eternal contributions to my life, there must be some cheap, crass way that I can try. Thanks to: Cathleen Rittereiser, My E-Pop! Partner, constant friend, and the only person who can make me laugh at obscure pop culture references at 7 A.M. in Starbucks; Abby Wilner, whose Quarterlife Crisis was just the start of something even greater; Jamie Levine, who gets an honorary Mandates award for friendship and bravery in the dating jungle; Ava Seave for your brilliance, mastery of using the F word as a verb, adverb, noun, and adjective, and for convincing me it was okay to come out as funny; Bobbi Whalen, who seriously makes Washington, D.C. a livable place for me; Bonnie Maglio, my soul mate and confidante in New York for a decade; Winn Ogden and Doug McKay for their friendship and pointing me in the right direction; Cathy Alter, a great writer and even better friend. (How many friends get their first books published at the same time?) Finally, my band of brothers in Washington and New York: Shane Harris, for supporting the plight of endangered cranberries and rare vodka, and your dazzling writing ideas; young man/old soul Aron Wilson; Steve Kempf (Doris Day parking is your birthright); Russell You are such a ______ Schrader; Kevin Mischka, who inspires me with bold acts; James Always true to you in my fashion Hollander, the irrepressible, and charming Peter Pappas; and my two oldest friends who defy description, Bruce Morman and Bill McGinn.

Finally, Id like to thank the many guys who participated in research for this book. My favorite definition of comedy is that it is tragedy plus time. That was certainly true for some of the guys from around the country who shared their dating stories with me and inspired me with their resilience. I was fortunate enough to find many guys who are leading the way by sharing their wisdom and insight about what actually works. This is a compendium of your stories and, by sharing important aspects of your lives honestly and openly, we all get a chance to learn, laugh, relate, and move forward. That openness and honesty is a hell of a lot more than previous generations of our gay brethren had. So heres to you.

Introduction

HOW THE MANDATES WERE BORN

Of course, you dont know anything about gay dating until youre out there on the frontlines. I certainly didnt.

To borrow from the opening of Great Expectations: I was born. I lived. I came out. I started dating, which I defined as an often slow, tedious process of getting acquainted with a variety of men. Once you meet someone who shares your attraction and interests, then you consider dating him on an increasingly intense level leading perhaps, one day, to a relationship.

But I didnt like dating back then. I didnt know what I was doing and there were no guidelines, so I hit plenty of bumps and potholes on the road to love. I soon chose immediate serial monogamy as my dating alternative since it felt less bumpy and more romantic. After all, you meet a guy you like, and after fifteen minutes of mutual sustained attraction, you become a couple. Whats wrong with that? Didnt it work for Loretta Lynn in Coal Miners Daughter? Maybe, but after a few attempts, I learned it didnt work for me. Id jump into relationships faster than a paratrooper, then emerge from monogamist seclusion a year or two later, shake off the dust, and wonder what the hell happened when it was obvious to everyone else how mismatched my partner and I were. Id take a break, chalk it up to fate, and start the cycle over. Thats the life of a gay serial monogamist. I dont recommend it. When you jump into relationships that quickly, with only a shred of postbreakup analysis in between, you often end up with lovers whose interests, personality, values, and goals dont match yours at all.

After a therapist assured me I wasnt really a lesbian, despite my penchant for Sapphic insta-relationships (lifetime commitment by the second date, moving in with U-Haul on the third) and fierce Stevie Nicks CDs, I decided to quit making the same mistakes and dive into the dating pool.

I spent many nights at coffee houses, dinners, and movies with a variety of guys I met at parties, the gym, and work. I noticed that all my gay male friends were dating constantly, too, but spending an even greater amount of time talking about it.

I logged hours listening to tales of jerks, losers, the one who got away, the hot one at the bar last night, the one who wouldnt leave the house the next day, the one who seemed so sweet before he went into a drug-induced rage, and the one who came on strong like a hurricane and left without a trace. Id like to say that we did