Martha Beck - Steering by Starlight: The Science and Magic of Finding Your Destiny

STEERING by STARLIGHT

THE SCIENCE AND MAGIC
OF FINDING YOUR DESTINY

MARTHA BECK

NEW YORK TIMES BEST-SELLING AUTHOR OF FINDING YOUR OWN NORTH STAR

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

T here are only so many ways to say thank you, so these acknowledgments will be rife with repetition. Trying to express the gratitude I feel toward everyone who contributed to this book, and who shored me up during its writing, is like trying to capture a sunrise by drawing with a stick in the dirt. As many thank yous as there are here, each is different to me; they have their own flavors and textures, and each is unique.

That said, I first must thank my clients, whose courage and determination to live their destinies inspire and motivate me every day. Without their example and their willingness to trust that well find their destiny together, I could never have developed the strategies or imagined the stories recounted in this book.

Thanks to my editor redoubtable Leigh Haber, project editor Nancy Bailey, designer Chris Rhoads, and all the good people at Rodale who were there to support the labor of writing, to hold the baby manuscript once it arrived, and care for it until it could stand on its own feet.

My fabulous literary agent, Suzanne Gluck, is a phenomenally concentrated source of intelligence, wit, heart, and savvy. Its a privilege to work with and learn from her. Amy Gray and Bill Stankey, agents in other fields, have put enormous energy into the work weve done together. Deep thanks to all of them.

More gratitude for the amazing people at O, The Oprah Magazine , including (but not limited to) my kind, long-suffering, and talented editor Mamie Healey, the inimitable Amy Gross, the irrepressible Gayle King, and the incomparable Oprah Winfrey. I would never have dared dream that Id be associated with a team so gifted, impressive, and kind.

Betsy Rapoports brilliant mind and sparkling, steadfast spirit have shaped my writing and my life for over a decade. I dont even want to imagine what my world would be like without her friendship. Annette Rogers is not only one of the best authors and editors I know, but also a dauntless companion always ready to offer wisdom, compassion, and generosity. To them, and to my other friends (oh, God, did I leave anyone out?) my most heartfelt thanks.

I cant begin to express my gratitude for the amazing people whove come to be trained in my life-coaching methods. They are very sweet to me and are very salty, as in the salt of the earth. Im so proud and happy our paths have crossed and that they continue to do so. My coaching tribe is an incredible blessing, and I love you all. Specifically, my life-coaching colleague Brooke Castillo is one of the most talented, compassionate, and ethical people Ive met in any business. Meadow DeVors combination of high humor and laser insight changed my life. Yvonne Morier is as dependable and trustworthy as sunshine. Im inexpressibly grateful to be working with them.

Koelle Simpson, gifted coach, horse whisperer, and all-around shaman, shares my passion for animals and has taught me so much through her gift for working with animals and humans, separately or in combination. Thank you, thank you.

Deep appreciation and amazed gratitude go out to all my friends in South Africa: inspired master coach Judy Klipin, Alex van der Heever, the whole Varty family, the personnel at O, The Oprah Magazine in SA.

Stacey Shively, Al Preble, and especially Kim Barber, have also devoted themselves to figuring out how adults learn, change, and find their own North Stars. I loved the time we spent working together and look to them for new insights, theoretical advances, and applications as life coaching develops in the coming decades. They are ground breakers whove already touched thousands of lives and will continue doing so. Again, I am so, so grateful.

John, Joni, and Joseph Parker have been gentle and blessed presences in my life. Johns spirit, care, advice, selflessness, and enormous compassion put me back together when Im frazzled into fragments.

Lydia Nibley, Russell Martin, Megan Nibley, and Sylvia Nibley have been willing to swim in the end of the gene pool where I paddle around. My gratitude for this leaves me speechlessand as my loved ones know all too well, I am rarely speechless.

Most of all, I must thank my wonderful, patient, loving, accepting, wise, supportive family: Kat the wizard, Adam the angel, Elizabeth the practical magician, and especially Karen the soul-guide, without whom I could never have learned to steer by starlight myself. If we really are commingled with everything in the universe, as physicists tell us we are, then my love for all of you permeates every star in the cosmos. It certainly feels that way.

INTRODUCTION

I know a manlets call him Guswhose nose is continuously attempting to turn itself into an ear. Guss original nose was crushed in a car accident, and plastic surgeons rebuilt it by taking cartilage from one of his ears, sculpting it into the shape they needed, and grafting it to his nasal bridge. Their skill was amazing; youd never notice anything unusual about Guss remodeled schnozz.

However, that little bit of cartilage never forgot what it started out to be. Ever since the surgery, its been trying to re-create the ear from which it was harvested. Gradually, as the years go by, it morphs into a delicate aural whorl, and Guss doctors have to go back in and whittle it down again. But the cartilage is not discouraged. Before the procedure is over, its already continuing its humble, inexorable ambition to regenerate its original form.

I can empathize with Guss nose. I suspect you can, too. The fact that youre reading these words suggests that youre looking to find and follow the life you were meant to have: your highest and happiest possible destiny. This wouldnt be an issue if you already felt fully on purpose or if you lacked any sense of destiny at all.

Im betting youre like many clients Ive coached, people who feel that they arent quite themselves, who continuously sense that they are trying to regain their true form but who have only the faintest inkling of what that might be. My goal in writing this book is to help you find your deepest sense of purposeto give you back to yourself, since you are the ultimate arbiter of your own fate. You dont need a book to do this. Whether or not youre consciously following your destiny, your destiny is always following you. But this book may well make the process quicker, cleaner, and easier.

Why This Book May Help You Fulfill Your Destiny

Let me explain a little about why I venture to offer you advice about your life, which you know far better than I ever can. Im a life coach, part of a profession that popped up like a mushroom in the last few years of the 20th century. Theres no standardization or regulation for life coaching. I have no idea what most people who go by that title actually do. I think of myself as the behavioral equivalent of a personal trainer. A therapist, like a physician, works with unwell people to restore them to health. I work with healthy people to help them achieve maximum fitnessthat is, wellbeing and quality of life.

Oddly enough, I knew my life-coaching destiny subconsciously even when I was young and life coaching hadnt been invented. At age 16, I filled out a scholarship application that asked me for a single-sentence summation of my mission in life. My younger sister suggested that I write, My mission in life is to learn how to say, Hey,sailor, want to get lucky? in every living language. But we lived in Utah, and I feared this would not be well received. So instead, I tossed out a random thought: My mission in life is to help people bridge the gaps that separate them from their true selves, from one another, and from their destiny. Today, approximately 400 years later, I dont think Id change that description. Our right lives ride in our cells, in our DNA, and they pop up to speak to us in idle moments, when we think were just shooting the breeze.