Williams - Being black : zen and the art of living with fearlessness and grace

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

BEING BLACK

A Penguin Compass Book / published by arrangement with the author

All rights reserved.

Copyright 2000 by Angel Kyodo Williams

This book may not be reproduced in whole or part, by mimeograph or any other means, without permission. Making or distributing electronic copies of this book constitutes copyright infringement and could subject the infringer to criminal and civil liability.

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ISBN: 9-781-1011-9945-9

A PENGUIN COMPASS BOOK

Penguin Compass Books first published by The Penguin Publishing Group, a member of Penguin Putnam Inc.,

375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.

PENGUIN COMPASS and the Pdesign are trademarks belonging to Penguin Putnam Inc.

Electronic edition: July, 2002

For
my Grandfather
Clarence H. Williams,
my teacher
Sensei Pat Enkyo OHara,
and for my muse.

And to all those who have made
Being Awake a matter of
Life and Death

Your unfathomable excellence
pervades
everywhere.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

Buddha, The Enlightened One

In Buddhist practice, the gentle placing of the two palms together signifies nonduality, unity. It is a bringing together of you and me, self and other, this and that; acknowledging all of it as One.

In Zen, it is called gassho.

This book is the result of an extraordinary amount of this and that coming together over the years. A multitude of experiences, conversations, images, relationships, musical notes, idle thoughts, and empty spaces are all hereeach experience, every second as important as the last. I am equally grateful for the moments of pain that have made me so aware of the infinite bliss that is always just one moment away. So I acknowledge, in no particular order, some of those that have contributed to my life and hence this book, in so many ways.

To any one or any thing that is not mentioned here, its only because I have been blessed by so many that my memory is not as great as the gifts.

First and always, to my mother and #1 fan, Mozella Gatewood, who gave me a reading bug with 400-page books at the age of nine. Yes, I thank you for correcting the manuscript when I couldnt stand to look at it anymore. But more important, I will always honor the gift of your tireless spirit, dramatic creativity, and boundless imagination, without which I never could have dreamed this book into reality. I especially thank you for not even being surprised.

To my father, Allen Butch Williams, my most sincere gratitude for making the choice to raise a girl child even when you wanted to go play stickball with the fellas because you were not much more than a boy yourself.

My brother, Kerel Anthony Williams, growing up before my eyes to become a warrior in spirit and heart. I am so proud of you.

My cousins, Cindy Flowers, Tomeca, Robbie, and Jason, for being a family when I thought I was not ready, making me see that we never are and always are. My love to all of my family, who I know care whether they are able, in this moment, to be present or not, especially Berniece Gatewood, who gave me a home when I had none. Love to Delores, Beverly, Lynn, Marion, Hope Dawn, Sheryl, and all yalls kids.

To my own family, Lexus and Legend, my rottweilers, who brought me years of joy, thank you for sharing your light and your lives with me.

To Eileen Cope, my perfect, incredible agent, for your unwavering support, careful shielding, and keen sensibility. Theres nothing quite like being on the same page. My gratitude to you, Barbara, and the staff at Barbara Lowenstein Associates for making it all appear effortless.

To my gracious and intelligent editor, Janet Goldstein, whose patience with a sometimes resistant and always willful first-time writer has never gone unnoticed. Your contributions, suggestions, pushing, and prodding were all equally necessary and appreciated.

To my best friend and heart, Winston Francis, whom I never have to say much to. I love you, Winnie, and could not have chosen anyone better to continue to grow up with. Whodve figured this is what wed get from a Mr. Softee truck?

There are few that I grew with as much as my sister-friend Rebecca, who said that I could. Your generous sharing of time, space, and energy showed me that this was possible. Thank you, Lovey. As you have become like a sister to me, Alice has been like a second mother. Alice, you have always been most generous and supportive; I remain humbled and speechless. And to Gloria and Amy, who always treat me like family and are also eternally supportive, great big warm hugs.

To my MoFo, Rene Cabrera, Whassssssuuuup! I will always seek you out for a latte and sesame bagel in a dank college town coffee shop when I am homesick. You are always close to my heart, Mr. Rene, and your presence and support will never be forgotten. I have you to thank in so many ways.

Though I have no idea where you are, my humble thanks to my freshman English professor at Nazareth College, Dr. Richard Loomis, who insisted with unabashed enthusiasm that I was a writer whether I cop to it, show up in class, or not. To my misplaced friend, Muna, who said that I should, I will always be deeply thankful for our inexplicable connection. To my dharma brother Jamie, whom I miss terribly, I know you are out there dancing beautifully somewhere.

My love to my sangha at the Village Zendo in New York City for making sure I always have a home to return to. Sybil Myoshin Taylor, writer, sister, friend, most amazing embodiment of courage and fearlessness, thank you for reminding me that I am not so crazy after all. To my dharma familyBill, Jane, Julie, Julia, Mark, Wayne, Sinclair, Barbara, Daniel, both Susans, Tom, Tamaki, and to Neilmy humble thanks for sharing your expertise on my health without ever missing a beat. Peter, thank you for sharing your talent, wine, and Lisas insight and excellent company on a moments notice. Chris, I have no clue how you manage to trudge through my three-page-long e-mail and still smile over the telephone, always offering up wisdom served in a humble package. Deep