Murrow - What your husband isn’t telling you : a guided tour of a man’s body, soul, and spirit

Whats Really Going On Inside Your Husband

P icture your husband standing in the middle of a swiftly flowing river. Every day a steady current of joys, frustrations, compulsions, temptations, and pressures comes flooding downstream and washes over his heart.

Its exhausting work, standing against this current. Some disciplined men are able to do it pretty well. Others try to dam the riverbut frustration eventually spills over the top. Some men eventually drown, taken under by pressures and sorrows they cannot fathom.

Most men have no idea where these feelings come from. Many try not to feel anything at all. Some are so skilled at denying their emotions they arent aware they have any. Rare is the man who knows how to deal with his feelings in a healthy way.

So instead of living fully and freely, the majority of men resort to survival strategies in order to stand against the current. Instead of being honest about what they feel and asking people to meet their needs, they learn destructive, manipulative ways of getting what they want. Game-playing. Displays of anger. Pointless bickering. Destructive behaviors. Habits they cant kick and dont even enjoy. It takes so much energy fighting back the current (or trying to control it) they cant be fully present in the moment. Many simply check outbecoming passive and unavailable to their loved ones. They veg out in front of the TV or computernot because they dont care, but because theres nothing left to give.

Every man fights these currents. Even the good husbands. Even Christians.

I am such a man.

Im what youd call a nice Christian guy. I had it pretty good as a kidmiddle-class upbringing, plenty to eat, a roof over my head. I made good grades in school and had lots of friends. But my mom and dad were caught in a spiral of codependencehe was a raging lion and she was a pacifying lamb. Dad was a ticking time bomband you could never predict when he would go off. Mom taught us various survival strategies: Dont upset your dad; be quiet; stay in your room; get outside; eat quickly; get good grades; be careful what you say; and most important, always be right.

I gave my life to Christ at age fifteen in large measure because I didnt want to become like my dad. Ive been serving Jesus ever since. I went to a Christian university and married a Christian woman. Weve been faithful churchgoers and have raised our three kids in Sunday school. God gave me the grace to forgive my father years ago, and when he died we were at peace.

But something still wasnt right.

For decades I did not know my own secrets. I could not explain the crazy dialogue that ran constantly through my head. I had a hard time expressing genuine grief or empathy. At times I felt so overwhelmed I could barely hold everything together. Although I was mostly satisfied with my life, I occasionally fantasized about leaving everything behindor ending it altogether. A secret death wish lurked just beneath my consciousness.

Then, one year ago, I was taken under. I landed in a residential drug and alcohol treatment program three thousand miles from home. I was cut off from my family. My phone and computer were confiscated. I was placed in an apartment block with seven other men, most of whom were addicts who had lost nearly everything.

Now youre probably wondering, What did Murrow do? Was he an alcoholic? A druggie? Violent? Actually, I was none of those things. Ive never smoked a cigarette. Ive never been drunk or high in my life. Never touched an illegal substance. Never struck my wife or kids. No porn. One hundred percent faithful to my marriage vows.

Nevertheless, I found myself in a rehab program. My self-image as a good husband and better-than-average father lay shattered on the floor of my dorm room.

In times past, Id have become angry about my false imprisonment. Id resort to one of my survival strategies to get through the indignity of my situation. Id tell myself that I was rightand everyone else was wrong. Or Id try to work the system and gain the upper hand over my captors (in this case, counselors).

But instead, I gave in.

At the age of forty-nine, I finally began the process of meeting the real me. My counselors taught me to begin asking the foundational questions: Whats bothering me? Why do I feel so ignored? Why is there always tension in my house? Why am I so afraid to speak up for my own needs? Why do I feel like Im disappearingand another man is taking my place? And why is this happening to a born-again Christian man, who is not supposed to have these kinds of problems?

In terms of the river analogy, I finally stepped out of the current and climbed onto the bank. And I began the upstream trek to the headwaters of my soul. I went back to the source of my frustrations, wounds, and deadness of heart.

Once I discovered the source, the currents began to make sense. I realized I was still living out my survival strategies from childhood: Be quiet, stay in your room, get outside, eat quickly, be right. I was like a World War II Japanese soldier stranded on a remote island, fighting a war thats been over for decades.