Marty Klein - His Porn, Her Pain, Confronting America’s PornPanic with Honest Talk about Sex

ALSO BY THE AUTHOR

BOOKS

Your Sexual Secrets:

When to Keep Them, When and How to Tell

Ask Me Anything:

Dr. Klein Answers the Sex Questions Youd Love to Ask

Let Me Count the Ways:

Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse

Beyond Orgasm:

Dare to be Honest About the Sex You Really Want

Americas War on Sex:

The Attack on Law, Lust, and Liberty

Sexual Intelligence:

What We Really Want from Sexand How to Get It

DVD s

Enhancing Porn Literacy in Young People

Talking With Your Kids About Sex

Secrets of Sexual Intelligence

Sexual Intelligence: A New View of Sexual Function & Satisfaction

When Sex Gets Complicated: Infidelity, Pornography, & Cybersex

HIS PORN, HER PAIN

Confronting Americas PornPanic with Honest Talk About Sex

Marty Klein, PhD

The individual and couples experiences recounted in this book are true. Names and details have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

Nothing herein should be construed as offering medical, psychological, or legal advice.

Copyright 2016 by Marty Klein, PhD

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Klein, Marty, author.

Title: His porn, her pain : confronting Americas pornpanic with honest talk about sex / Marty Klein, PhD.

Description: Santa Barbara, California : Praeger, 2016. | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2016025435 (print) | LCCN 2016035513 (ebook) | ISBN 9781440842863 (hard copy : alk. paper) | ISBN 9781440852213 (pbk.) | ISBN 9781440842870 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: PornographyUnited States. | Internet pornographyUnited States. | SexUnited States. | Sexual ethicsUnited States.

Classification: LCC HQ472.U6 K59 2016 (print) | LCC HQ472.U6 (ebook) | DDC 363.4/70973dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016025435

ISBN: 978-1-4408-4286-3 (hardcover)

ISBN: 978-1-4408-5221-3 (paperback)

EISBN: 978-1-4408-4287-0

20 19 18 17 16 1 2 3 4 5

This book is also available as an eBook.

Praeger

An Imprint of ABC-CLIO, LLC

ABC-CLIO, LLC

130 Cremona Drive, P.O. Box 1911

Santa Barbara, California 93116-1911

www.abc-clio.com

This book is printed on acid-free paper

Manufactured in the United States of America

To John Gagnon, PhD (19312016),

Who inspired me to become a sociologist

and

To James Petersen, Playboy Advisor Emeritus,

Who taught me how to write about sexuality

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

How long did it take you to write the book? Dozens of people ask this about every book I write, and I never know quite how to answer. I can tell you the day I sat down and started to type. I can tell you the day, months before that, when I sat down, looked out the window, and started thinking about where and how I would start. I can even tell you the day two years before that when I asked my agent about this next book I wanted to write.

What I cant really tell you is how many months and years Ive been thinking about this topic: reading about it, corresponding about it, lecturing about it, giving interviews about it, inviting questions about it. And above all, writing about it: four dozen blogposts, two encyclopedia entries, and so on. How long did it take me to write this book? More or less a lifetime. As my reader, would you have it any other way?

I tell you this to underline how important it is for me to be in dialogue with the world about my work. And while a writer necessarily works alone, I am fortunate to have the worlds smartest, kindest, and most sex-positive people as friends and colleagues. During lunch after lunch for two years, author Michael Castleman never stopped asking, Are you going to write the damn book or not? And when I finally did start writing, he kept being helpful.

Thank you Doug Braun-Harvey, Melissa Fritchle, Paul Joannides, and Kate Sutton, who never tired of talking about this book.

Thank you to the modest and much-loved Mark Kernes for research, legal reporting and illumination, networking, and friendship.

For periodic conversations that challenge me or inspire meand frequently make us both laughthank you Robert Badame, Ellyn Bader, Larry Hedges, Dagmar Herzog, Meg Kaplan, Ian Kerner, Dick Krueger, David Ley, Charles Moser, Margie Nichols, Pete Pearson, Clarissa Smith, and Carol Tavris. Thank you Jim Herriot for endless bike rides with endless, valuable conversations about sexuality.

Thanks to the wonderful men and women of the First Amendment Lawyers Association, including Andy Contiguglia, Bob Corn-Revere, Clyde DeWitt, Jeffrey Douglas, Jennifer Kinsley, Mark Randazza, Lou Sirkin, and Larry Walters. What a privilege it is to have you walk me through the living, breathing labyrinth of American jurisprudence year after year. Your clarity of thought and commitment to principles are both breathtaking.

Thanks to the participants of the Sexnet listserve, moderated by the fearless Michael Bailey. You people are brilliant, generous, intimidating, witty, and aggravating. What a pleasure to wince at your impatient, acid tongues and learn from your passionate, well-disciplined minds.

Thanks to world-class researchers David Finkelhor, Bill Fisher, Mickey Diamond, Neil Malamuth, and Martin Weinberg. Generous colleagues all, talking to you is terrifying, embarrassing, and infinitely enriching.

Thank you to my editor, Debbie Carvalko, who changed my life by buying Americas War on Sex for Praeger in 2004, and who thus knew exactly how complicated her life would become when she asked me to do another book. Thank you to my agent, Will Lippincott, a gentleman and ferocious advocate: in an industry that seems designed to frustrate writers, you are profoundly supportive.

This is my seventh book with the same wonderful wife. Randi is more than smart and insightful; shes my most important teacher, my co-author in every way imaginable. How else do you suppose I can do what I do?

FAQS

Why a book about His Porn, Her Pain? What about womens use of porn, or non-heterosexual couples?

As a therapist, I work with men and women in every conceivable kind of relationship (and non-relationship) arrangement. I rarely hear complaints about porn use in same-gender couples, in polyamorous arrangements, or in open relationships. What every therapist hears about every week is heterosexual women complaining about their male partners use of pornography. So thats what I decided to write about.

There is, of course, more to say about pornography than just this configuration. Having written seven books, however, Ive learned that trying to cover too much in a single book is unwise. Ive also learned that no matter how broadly I write, someone will complain that I didnt cover the specific issue that interests them. So Ive learned not to try to discuss everything in any single book.

Why is there nothing in this book about child pornography?

Because that is exactly what this book is NOT about. Child pornography is illegal, difficult to find, almost impossible to discover accidentally, and not made by any general-use commercial producer. It is made surreptitiously by people who know they are creating illegal images, to be consumed in secret by people who know they are consuming illegal images.