Patricia Payne - Sex Tips from a Dominatrix

Samuel Adams, a taste you can stay tied up with all night, reads the tag line from a recent radio ad campaign from a very straitlaced Boston brewery. An episode of the prime-time phenomenon Friends has girl-next-door Lisa Kudrow breaking up a catfight between Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox. As she holds both of the kneeling combatants by the hair, she says, I guess if we were in prison, youd both be my bitches. Print media ads are glutted with glossy pictures of models in skin-tight latex, and every night, somewhere in syndication, Xena, fetish goddess, adjusts her bursting breastplates and cracks wise with her demurely submissive traveling companion about how much men dig the leather outfit.

Clearly, the times we live in are rife with allusion and innuendo to once deviant sexual practices, which even a few years ago would have been considered risqu at best and taboo at worst. Now, everyone giggles at the sitcom references to bondage and spanking, but underneath the laughter, do straight people secretly wonder if they are missing out on something? Why do references to the dark world of BDSM, (bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism) titillate us and coerce us into buying bottles of expensive vodka and tins of painfully peppery mints? What is it about bondage that would captivate a former presidents daughter and The Generals Daughter? Why would a mainstream country singer like Shania Twain show up to perform at the Grammy Awards in a custom corseted costume of towering heels and elbow-length gloves that was only missing a flogger and a pair of handcuffs?

Frankly, I dont care why. I am just delighted they do, for I am a practicing dominatrix: a woman who has masks, floggers, and handcuffs. I use my personal power over my sexual partner for our mutual erotic enjoyment. I am not concerned with the psychological ramifications of why this is enticingjust knowing that it is enticing is enough for me. I dont have to mess my manicure twisting wrenches on the engine of my Bentley to be able to drive it, nor do I have to milk a cow in order to serve ice cream. I am not a doctor (although I play one with TVs). I dont presume to understand the human mind nor the biological machinations of human sexual response. I do presume to notice, however, that when I cross my thigh-high-booted legs, every male head follows the movement in unison, like center-court spectators at Wimbledon. I do recognize the playful spark in a mans eyes when I tell him I think I will kidnap him for the weekend and have my way with him. I see him stand at attention when I trace a line down his chest with my crop.

As a dominatrix, I am more concerned with the how, what, and where of this errant eroticism. Humans have a luxury that other animals presumably dont have: the fantastic ability to create a storyline to their sexuality; to write their own amatory menu. If there is a why to be asked it is, indeed, Why choose plain vanilla, when you can have the decadence of Death by Chocolate? And its non-fattening.

Traditions and accoutrements embraced by the sadomasochistic community are the perfect embellishments for those wishing to add variety and flair to this most private part of their lives. In practicing dominance and submission, one is able to find rich traditions, intricate formalities, and a sense of order, even while being inventive. And, of course, seemingly endless paraphernaliawhich is a good excuse for shopping, if nothing else. As I have often said, a little dominance and submission in ones sex life is like a dash of cinnamon in potpourri.

To guide you through this brave new underworld, I will share with you some of my favorite tips I use for training and pleasuring my own submissivesa smorgasbord of little dishes from which you can pick and choose according to your own appetites. I will give you hints on how to introduce D/seither as an hors doeuvre, an entre, or a dessertto your own sexual plate. In the pages that follow, I shall give you step-by-step instructions on how to choose a role, set the mood, decorate your room, pick a proper outfit, buy the best bonds, tie the exact knot, and wield the perfect quirt. Think of this as an erotic cookbook with the spiciest of recipes.

While part of its excitement is based on BDSM looking or even being dangerous, I will alert you to safety precautions to avoid trouble, accidents, and embarrassment. Certainly there exist extremists among practitioners, as there are in all walks of life, but the scene is not so much about pain and suffering as you may have been led to believe. The essence of S & M is not about historical oppression or pathological subjugation. It is about the consensual exchange of power that exists between sexual partners. It is about taking someone to the brink. About taking your lover to a blissed-out subspace enabled by the releasing of his control to you. Yes, D/s is about a love of bondsbut it is also about a bond of love. This cookbook is filled with recipes for pleasure rather than pain; for sweet things rather than bitter ones. It is about fun and D/lightfulnessa trip to D/sneyland.

So much of BDSM is beyond the hot clothing and cool equipment. As you perfect the techniques I describe, you will pick up more than just arcane erotic knowledge. You will notice a change in your overall bearing as you become more confident with your D/s persona. People, and especially men, will notice your new confidence in ways that are hard to quantify, but are nonetheless apparent. You will talk confidently and walk tall, with or without your stilettos. The tips in the following pages will give you the power to instill this mystery and the methods to install it as part of your own sexual psyche. Within these pages, you will learn to read, between the black and white lines, the deeper meaning of the black and blue.