Tamara Pincus - It’s Called Polyamory: Coming Out About Your Nonmonogamous Relationships

It's Called Polyamory

It's Called Polyamory

Coming Out About Your Nonmonogamous Relationships

Tamara Pincus

and Rebecca Hiles

Its Called Polyamory

Coming Out About Your Nonmonogamous Relationships

Copyright 2017 by Tamara Pincus and Rebecca Hiles

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles and reviews.

Thorntree Press, LLC

P.O. Box 301231

Portland, OR 97294

press@thorntreepress.com

Cover and interior design by Jeff Werner

Substantive editing by Amy Haagsma

Copy-editing by Roma Ilnyckyj

Proofreading by Hazel Boydell

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Pincus, Tamara, author. | Hiles, Rebecca, author.

Title: It's called polyamory : coming out about your nonmonogamous relationships / Tamara Pincus and Rebecca Hiles.

Description: Portland, OR : Thorntree Press, [2017] | Includes bibliographical references.

Identifiers: LCCN 2017015132 ( print ) | LCCN 2017027078 ( ebook ) | ISBN 9781944934439 ( ePub ) | ISBN 9781944934446 ( Mobipocket ) | ISBN 9781944934453 ( Pdf ) | ISBN 9781944934422 ( pbk .)

Subjects: LCSH : Non-monogamous relationships. | Sex.

Classification: LCC HQ 980 (ebook) | LCC HQ 980 . P 56 2017 (print) | DDC 306.84/23--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017015132

Digital edition v1.0

To Eric and Alex for convincing me
I could write a book and to my poly family
for supporting me through it. TP

To Kev, A&T, and my Femmes for always challenging me. And to Romulus, who always loves me
(even when I don't want him to). RH

Contents

Foreword

The year I came out was one of the most challenging in my life.

I was a divorced, white, bisexual, cisgender woman who shared custody with my ex-husband. It was 2010 in St. Louis, Missouri, the belt buckle of the Bible Belt. My daughter was ten. I owned my own home in a quiet suburban neighborhood. I had just gotten a new job at a nonprofit organization.

I thought I had the best of both worlds. By day I was a dutiful employee with good posture and proper grammar, dressed from head to toe in layers of conservative clothes. By night I was a live nude sex blogger, anonymously documenting my polyamorous life, never putting my face or name to the blog with the motto Be open and honest.

I was already out to my partners and daughter, but not to my family and community.

Through a technology glitch that connected my identity to my blog, my employer discovered my online musings, and it inflamed them. The top blog post at the time featured a threesome role-play scene with our girlfriend.

When they fired me, it was swift and severe. I hadnt even had a chance to take off my coat when I walked into the office before the boss summoned me, her face a mask of fury.

Alarmed, I followed her to the room, where she closed the door and turned on me, icy eyes ablaze.

April 27, 2010, was the last time I was successfully slut shamed.

What were you thinking? she hissed. Youre acting like a fourteen-year-old!

I left the building, cheeks flushed, heart racing, completely stunned and cut loose. In an instant, I went from being a model employee to a monster.

Later, my employer emailed me:

We simply cannot risk any possible link between our mission and the sort of photos and material that you openly share with the online public. While I know you are a good worker and an intelligent person, I hope you try to understand that our employees are held to a different standard. When it comes to private matters, such as ones sexual explorations and preferences, our employees must keep their affairs private.

For months, I searched my soul, unable to decide whether I wanted to legally change my name and get a job at Target or Starbucks, or fully own my sexuality and mission and put my name and face to my sex-positive activism.

By the fall, I had made up my mind. National Coming Out Day was Monday, October 11, 2010, and I was going to come out nationally, irrevocably, with no turning back.

The month leading to my coming out was full of anxiety and planning. My teeth hurt from constantly clenching my jaw in my sleep.

I collaborated with an adult-toy company I had been doing reviews for, as well as the local alternative weekly newspaper.

Amidst interviews and photoshoots, I struggled financially. I was out of work and aimless.

Before the story in the local newspaper came out, I went to my daughters school and informed them of the upcoming publicity. They assured me that they would never punish a student for a parents behavior.

When my story was released, the shit hit the fan.

I was on the cover of the magazine, nude and draped like Aphrodite on the half shell.

For two weeks, everyone around me freaked out.

And then, it got worse.

Parents at my daughters school were horrified by me, so I was kicked out of my daughters Girl Scout troop. One of the leaders wrote me: I'm sure you'll understand that in light of recent events you will not be invited to participate in Girl Scout programming, and somebody else will assume the role of Cookie Captain.

I was not fit to be around cookies, much less children.

And then my daughter was expelled from the school. We were told it was because they didnt have the proper resources for her.

Rumors swirled. My social media posts were reported and censored. PayPal banned me for having adult content. Detractors claimed I had sex with animals, was an attention - seeking whore, and that my child was in danger.

My ex-husband was beyond furious and shamed.

He sued me for full custody.

I was broke, desperate, and now had to hire a lawyer and invest thousands of dollars to protect myself. And then I had to educate my lawyer on polyamory and sex-positive culture.

On the verge of losing my daughter and my house, with my reputation destroyed, I was told to move out of townI didnt belong here.

Running out of options, I shaved my head bald as a performance art legal defense fundraiser.

I was invited to tell my story at ideacity, a Toronto-based speaker series. My topic was motherhood and sexuality. My story tankedthere were people in the crowd of seven hundred who gave my talk a resounding thumbs-down. Other people pitied me.

Unemployment insurance ran out. I was going to a food bank weekly for a grocery bag of expired canned food to eat, and cleaning houses and figure modeling for cash.

As the Winston Churchill quote goes, If youre going through hell, keep going.

Or, from Samuel Beckett: I cant go on. Ill go on.

Life got very dark for me. I almost lost everything. But I wasnt alone. Throughout the entire ordeal, my partner remained loving and supportive, as did my lovers and sympathetic friends.

And then, in 2011, I found a job with a company that cared more about my work abilities than my personal life.

Soon after, my ex-husband dropped the custody case, a week before it was to go to trial.

I enrolled my daughter in a school system that did not judge her and provided the resources she needed.

I co-founded a local organization called Sex Positive St. Louis with three other people.