Nancy Friday - Beyond My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age

N A N C Y F R I D AY #&:0/%.:$0/530 Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored AgeThe follow-up to the groundbreaking bestsellerMy Secret GardenN a N c y F r i d a y BEYOND MY CONTROL Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age Beyond_My_Control_Final_Pgs.indd 1 1/23/09 12:20:30 PM Special thanks to Eric Houston for his editorial assistance. Copyright 2009 by Nancy Friday Cover and internal design 2009 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover design by Mark Eimer Cover photos iStockPhoto.com/Ech Olav, Cloudniners, mutlu Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systemsexcept in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviewswithout permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders.

Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book. Except by request, the names in this book have been changed to protect the privacy of its contributors. Published by Sourcebooks, Inc. P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410 (630) 961-3900 Fax: (630) 961-2168 www.sourcebooks.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Friday, Nancy. p. cm. 1. 1.

Sexual fantasies. 2. Paraphilias. I. Title. HQ71.F75 2009 306.77--dc22 2008049271 Printed and bound in the United States of America BG 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Beyond_My_Control_Final_Pgs.indd 2 1/23/09 12:20:30 PM F o r B o B T h i x T o N , The best agent and, oh yes, friend! a writer could have.

Beyond_My_Control_Final_Pgs.indd 3 1/23/09 12:20:30 PM a l s o B y N a N c y F r i d a yMy Secret GardenForbidden FlowersMy Mother, My SelfMen in LoveJealousyWomen on TopThe Power of Beauty (Our Looks / Our Lives) Beyond_My_Control_Final_Pgs.indd 4 1/23/09 12:20:30 PM c o N T e N T s Author to Reader: Still My Secret Garden.............. vii Domination....................................... 1 Masturbation..................................... 51 Incest.......................................... 101 Exhibitionism/Voyeurism........................... 181 Threesomes...................................... 209 Living Out Fantasies.............................. 245 Beyond_My_Control_Final_Pgs.indd 5 1/23/09 12:20:30 PM Beyond_My_Control_Final_Pgs.indd 6 1/23/09 12:20:30 PM a u T h o r T o r e a d e r Still My Secret Garden Over thirty-five years ago, I called it My Secret Garden because collecting fantasies was like listening to women whispering in my ear. 245 Beyond_My_Control_Final_Pgs.indd 5 1/23/09 12:20:30 PM Beyond_My_Control_Final_Pgs.indd 6 1/23/09 12:20:30 PM a u T h o r T o r e a d e r Still My Secret Garden Over thirty-five years ago, I called it My Secret Garden because collecting fantasies was like listening to women whispering in my ear.

I was hearing their deepest erotic secretsin many cases, desires they had not even told themselves until then. Still today, many women and men finish by saying, Thank you for letting me tell you. I know precisely what they mean. There is something about putting sex into writing, almost as if we are taking it to the next level of reality, getting closer and closer to the flame. At the same time, it is emboldening, as in: This is who I amwho I really am! And lookthe sky hasnt fallen, I havent been ostra cized from the family, and I feel more complete, whole, part of the human race. Yes, I do believe that for many of us, accepting our erotic rev eries opens a new consciousness in our lives.

We dont have to act on the fantasies to feel this way. Some, fully realized, would become nightmares. Nor share them with our partners. Often, kept from them, they can be even more emboldening. It is thrill ing just to own the creativity of our sexual imagination. Just as learning to drive opens new pathsemotionally as well as phys icallyso do our private sexual thoughts, at any age, take us on ever-new trips, as doors open and horizons broaden.

We like to think that we are formed by what we choose to take in, while from the day we were born, we have been absorbing the Beyond_My_Control_Final_Pgs.indd 7 1/23/09 12:20:30 PM viii BeyondMyControl opinions of the people on whom we are dependent. Our care takers opinions (often unspoken) of our body are woven into our self-image. Later, changes that we choose to make will be in opposition to theirs. Our tiny hand goes between our legs because it feels good and, yes, because it is our body. So, there we are, not even able to use adverbs, and the giants of the nursery are laying down lifelong prejudices. They say, No, no, darling and remove our hand from that sweet crevice.

We wont remember it or a dozen other repeated sounds and actions that over time hammer home their opinions of our genitals. So often our devoted caretakers would deny any role in turn ing us away from our sexual parts, so automatic and unthinking were their intentions. If accused in court of crippling someones sexual self-esteem, they would look askance. By the time we choose a sexual mate, have a certificate of mar riage, or become economically independent, we will also have a private stash of erotic fantasies, stored since adolescence, helping us get past the negative opinions of other people regarding our sexual parts. Now, when our mind and body want to boost us up, up, and away into orgasm, we call upon these fantasies to do their magic. Our response to the thrill of sexual feeling in adolescence is electric.

It is so sweet, so winning, yes, so natural, that it is hard to ally it with the negative experience long ago in the nursery. This is something new and beautiful, what we feel in one an others arms at adolescence. That so many young girls get preg nant when they have been raised never to let a lad anywhere near that forbidden fertile ground until the appropriate moment speaks of the beauty of erotic rapturesomething the girl might understand and deal with had she been taught to respect that Beyond_My_Control_Final_Pgs.indd 8 1/23/09 12:20:31 PM Author to Reader ix place. But raised on distaste and abhorrence of her genitals, the girl eagerly hands herself over to the boy/man and crowns him a Prince for loving that unspeakable core of herself. Before the sexual revolution of the twentieth century, most women denied their erotic fantasies. Young adults today find that hard to believe.

Where did these forbidden, unacceptable fantasies go after they were enjoyed, these rich erotic thoughts that accompanied our sex? Can the mind actually entertain a sexual fantasy during intercourse or masturbation and then erase it post-orgasm? I thought Id heard everything with regard to my favorite sub ject until I received this missive in 2002 from a twenty-three year-old English woman: Dear Nancy, I always thought it was only famous, rich, suc cessfulas in some way privileged womenwho had sexual fantasies. Finding out that so many ORDINARY WOMEN [her caps] enjoy sex so much is a fantastic thing to know. It makes me feel so much better to realize that anyone can have a great sex life. Such a funny, sweet thought makes me want to put my arm around the dear girl and welcome her into the club. But, of course, masturbation only came onto the scene, front and center, in the last thirty years. (Hah! Fun to imagine an epidemic of women masturbating; the headlines in the newspapers: All traffic comes to a halt as women across the world masturbate for world peace!) One thing Ive learned absolutely is that forbidden sex gets us higher faster. (Hah! Fun to imagine an epidemic of women masturbating; the headlines in the newspapers: All traffic comes to a halt as women across the world masturbate for world peace!) One thing Ive learned absolutely is that forbidden sex gets us higher faster.