Patrick Swayze - The Time of My Life

The Time
of
My Life

Patrick Swayze and Lisa Niemi

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Copyright 2009 by Troph Productions, Inc.

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First Atria Books hardcover edition September 2009

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Designed by Dana Sloan

Manufactured in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Control Number: 2009029388

ISBN 978-1-4391-5858-6

ISBN 978-1-4391-6591-1 (ebook)

From Patrick:

For my dad, Jesse Big Buddy Swayze, who taught me that a real man can be tough and gentle at the same time

From Lisa:

For Patrick, who is more like his dad than he knows

The Time of My Life

In late December 2007, life was looking pretty good. I had just wrapped shooting on the pilot of a new TV series, The Beast. My wife, Lisa, and I were enjoying a second honeymoon of sorts after a long, difficult period in which we had grown painfully apart. And I was feeling excited about new work, new directions, and the promise of the future.

Lisa and I were planning to spend New Years Eve at our ranch in New Mexico, as wed done for the past few years. But first, we stopped off in Aspen to visit a couple of friends. It was there that I got the first hint that something was wrong.

I had been having some digestive trouble, mostly acid reflux and a kind of bloated feeling, for a few weeks. Ive had a sensitive stomach my whole life, so I hadnt thought much of it, but lately I just couldnt shake the constant discomfort. I wasnt hungry and felt sick whenever I did eat, but Id always been pretty healthy, so I figured the feeling would pass eventually.

In Aspen, we all raised glasses of champagne for a toast. I took a sip, and as the champagne began to course through my esophagus to my stomach, I nearly chokedit burned like acid going down. It felt like Id drunk lye, a sharp, searing pain that brought tears to my eyes. Id never felt anything like it, but not wanting to ruin the festivities, I said nothing to Lisa. I was used to ignoring pain, so I just didnt drink any more champagne that night, and didnt think anything more about it.

Three weeks later, in January 2008, I learned that the burning in my stomach wasnt some minor irritation. It was the result of blockage in my bile ducts, which was caused by pancreatic cancerjust about the most deadly, untreatable cancer you can get.

When my doctor at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles said the words pancreatic cancer, a single thought popped into my mind: Im a dead man. Thats what I had always thought when I heard someone had pancreatic cancer, and it usually turned out to be true. My doctor told me that my chances of surviving for more than a few months werent high, and I had no reason to doubt him.

A lot of things go through your head when you get a death sentence handed to you, starting with Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Once the shock wears off, its hard not to sink into bitterness, to feel that youve been singled out in a way thats not fair. For me, that initial shock quickly turned to self-criticism and blame. Did I do this to myself? What could I have done differently? Is it my fault?

In those first few weeks after my diagnosis, amid the whirlwind of figuring out treatments and medication, I struggled, with Lisas help, to make sense of what was happening to me. Trying to counteract all the negative emotions that kept welling upanger, bitterness, despairI began thinking to myself, Ive had more lifetimes than any ten people put together, and its been an amazing ride. So this is okay.

I was trying to find a way to accept what was going on, but then a funny thing happened. I just couldnt. I wasnt ready to go, and I was damned if this disease was going to take me before I was good and ready. So I said to my doctor, Show me where the enemy is, and I will fight him. I wanted to understand exactly what I was up against so I could go after this cancer rather than waiting for it to beat me. And in the year and a half since my diagnosis, thats exactly what Ive done, with every ounce of energy I have.

Fighting cancer has been the most challenging and eye-opening experience Ive ever had, and it has sent me on an emotional journey deeper than anything Ive felt before. Facing your own mortality is the quickest way possible to find out what youre made of. It strips away all the bullshit and exposes every part of youyour strengths and weaknesses, your sense of self. Your soul.

It also leads you to confront lifes hardest questions: Is there a heaven? Will I make it in? Has this life counted for something other than just my own narcissism? Have I lived a good life? Am I a good person? Its easy to dismiss these difficult questions when you have your whole life ahead of you. But when youre faced with your own mortality, they suddenly take on a whole new meaning.

Theres a scene at the end of Saving Private Ryan that really resonated with me when I first saw it, and it does now more than ever. As an old man, Private Ryan muses aloud about whether hes lived a good life. I tried to live my life the best I could, he says. I hope that was enough. Its so hard to judge your own life, to know whether youve made a mark in this world. Doing this book was, in part, a quest to find that out for myself.

Ive never been one to spend a lot of time dwelling in the past, so spending time with Lisa looking back at our lives has been really illuminating. Especially in light of what our future now holds, it has also been cathartic. I never felt like I had all the answers, and I certainly dont claim to now. Yet the one thing I realized as Lisa and I retraced the arc of our lives is that no matter what happened, we never, ever gave upon each other, or on our dreams. Im far from perfect, and Ive made a lot of mistakes in my life. But thats one thing we both got right, and its the one thing thats keeping me going today.

As I write this, sitting in our beautiful ranch home in New Mexico with the sun beaming down on the mountains, I realize yet again how much more I want to do in this life. Together with Lisa, Ill keep on pushing, keep on believing. Because that, in the end, is the greatest gift we have.

Patrick Swayze
June 2009

As Patrick and I have been writing this book, I couldnt help but be amazed by all the stories of things weve done and been through. It was surprising to me how hard weve both worked our whole lives, how focused and single-minded we could be. It must be the dancer in us. Always striving to be more, do better, never settle. And that drive to be better has served us well, particularly with all that were going through now.

Looking back now, I wish I had done more of the proverbial stop and smell the roses. So many gorgeous, beautiful things have happened in my life and I was too busy moving forward to really, truly recognize and enjoy them. Im feeling different these days. Today I find myself much more willing to take luxurious, selfish pleasure in how beautiful a day is, the wonderful smell of my favorite mares hair, and how much overflowing love I feel for my husband.