Adam Ruck - The Bluffers Guide to Golf

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First published 2009
This edition published 2013
Copyright Bluffers 2013

Publisher: Thomas Drewry
Publishing Director: Brooke McDonald

Series Editor: David Allsop
Design and Illustration by Jim Shannon

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You might well find yourself in a situation where you need to give the impression that youve been there, done it, got the T-shirt, suffered the blisters...and that there is nothing that anybody can teach you about the noble art of walking.

M ankind has been walking since around 3 million years BC (Before Cars), so understandably, human feet are probably in need of a rest. That is largely why the internal combustion engine was invented.

However, after a century or so of increasing reliance on mechanised transport methods, some people prefer to leave these behind and still strike out on Shankss pony (see Glossary, ). This is mainly because, in todays congested world, its generally quicker.

Bluffers should be aware that hikers come in many shades, which include the following:

Ambler Someone who is not in a hurry.

Rambler Someone interested in just wandering around while talking at the same time.

Walker Someone keen on getting from A to B.

Nordic walker Someone keen on getting from A to B energetically, by swinging their arms and shoulders and using long, pointy sticks.

Speed-walker Someone who wants to get from A to B before the bus does.

Hiker A dedicated walker whose aim in life is to tramp trails, fill his or her lungs with fresh air, yodel in the foothills and be at one with nature.

Hitch-hiker A hiker who cheats.

Hiking for enjoyment, otherwise known as walking for the sheer pleasure of it, has several benefits. Not only is the physical exercise an excellent way to maintain an ideal body weight, but it also releases endorphins, natural chemicals that make one feel calmer, happier and more relaxed.

Until, of course, you realise that youve just taken a wrong turn.

Hiking has benefits other than for health. It allows you to see aspects of the world that those sitting in cars miss as they speed past: perhaps a buzzard soaring on a thermal of warm air, a rabbit darting across the path, a red admiral warming its wings in the sun, a raptor tearing apart a small, furry animal whereas the only wildlife motorists see is generally roadkill, and one squishy mess looks just like any other.

The path to physical fitness, mental stimulation and creative inspiration therefore means donning the right boots, selecting the right map, aiming towards the right pub, and taking the path of righteous enlightenment one measured step at a time.

But why would you want to bluff about hiking in the first place? Because you might well find yourself in a situation where you need to give the impression that youve been there, done it, got the T-shirt, suffered the blisters... and that there is nothing that anybody can teach you about the noble art of walking. Then, even if the limit of your knowledge is that it involves putting one foot in front of the other and propelling yourself in a roughly forwards direction (unless youre retracing your steps something hikers do a lot), youll need to look no further than this book as the ultimate source of all you need to know to persuade others that youre a hiker of rare ability and experience.

And it will do more. It will give you the key to the ultimate bluff: how to impress legions of marvelling listeners with your wisdom and advice, without anybody discovering that you cant find your way to the local bus stop.

Just hope they dont follow you.

Never ask another hiker for directions. Not only does it confirm that youre utterly clueless, but for all you know, he or she may also be temporarily misplaced.

T he art of getting lost is a well-practised one, and it is made easier today with the use of maps and other satellite navigation products.

Of course, a real hiker is never, ever lost merely temporarily misplaced.

If you find yourself in such a situation and a fellow walker approaches, it is best to scrutinise your map closely and then, just as the walker comes within earshot, say Aha! loudly and clearly, and tap your finger on the map before folding it up and walking in the opposite direction from your fellow hiker.

Never ask another hiker for directions. Not only does it confirm that youre utterly clueless, but for all you know, he or she may also be temporarily misplaced.

SYMBOLS

Bluffers who have never examined a map closely before may find the experience daunting. Theres no need to worry, though, because every map comes with its own key to unlock the mystery.

If youre just stepping out, the important symbols to look out for are:

Green dotted or dashed lines These are footpaths or bridleways (of which, more later). Hikers pretend to follow these. Those following grey dotted or dashed lines are usually found following borough or county council boundaries.

Blue lines Either motorways or rivers. One of the better ways of distinguishing between the two is to look out for service stations. Most rivers dont have service stations.

Red triangles Both red and triangle usually mean danger. On a map it means Youth Hostel. Avoid these at all costs unless you want to be asphyxiated by the aroma emanating from 89 pairs of socks belonging to teenagers who failed to convince their parents that the Duke of Edinburghs Award scheme was not their idea of fun.

FB (Footbridge) A bit like rural buses theres never one around when you need it. Always check your map to see if your path crosses a blue wavy line. If there isnt an FB marked next to it, take a detour, unless you enjoy swimming.

Cross on a square box A church with a tower.

Cross on a blob A church with a spire. Bluffers passing a church with a spire and expecting to see a church with a tower should call in and pray for alternative directions.

PC (Public Conveniences) These are for wimps. Real hikers go behind a bush.

Brown wavy lines Contour lines that link together points of land at the same height. This is actually vital information. Hikers may become temporarily misplaced from time to time, but they always know whether they should be going up- or downhill. Experienced bluffers will appreciate that one of the joys of going uphill is that there will come a point when it will be necessary to go back down. On many topographic maps, the difference in height between two brown wavy lines is 5m (16ft). However, in practice, there is only one vital piece of information that you need to remember about contour lines: the closer the lines are to each other, the steeper the climb or descent.