Lambert - Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across

The author and publisher have provided this e-book to you for your personal use only. You may not make this e-book publicly available in any way. Copyright infringement is against the law. If you believe the copy of this e-book you are reading infringes on the authors copyright, please notify the publisher at: us.macmillanusa.com/piracy. How I Learned to Love When I was fifteen, I hated everything except for Weezer and maybe like two people. And cereal.

One time a boy grabbed me in the music room and kissed my neck in front of everybody. I did not want to be kissed, but I thought I was supposed to want to be kissed. I did not know what to do. And so I laughed. I knew you were supposed to laugh after things like that The world had taught me to dress up my trauma in short skirts and secret bathroom crying, to protect the fragility of boys at all costs When I was five, my father molested me you become a strange human that way You cannot whip yourself awake as a child I should have been born a bird When I turned six, I stopped talking. When I was twenty-five and my name was on the radio, I asked people to write poems and send them to me Maybe because I was starved of honest humanity Half of the poems were about slit wrists I do not want to know any more about this brand of humanity.

All I know of love is hunger. When I met you, I planted my heart into the heavy earth. I was scared, But you smiled back. Thank God I was not born a bird. Evelyn Is Made Up The little girl is a theater of shame and laughter. She is eating lunch in the library again, she tucks the desk into her ribs to feel smaller.

The hurt is ricocheting from her mothers thighs into the girls thighs. The mothers hips are too big the mother says. The silver hope can of slimfast sits in the fridge, waits. The boys are cruel and predictable. The girl renames herself Evelyn. Evelyn does not cry at school, wears a ruby cardigan, is the star.

Evelyn can run so fast, she has beautiful ribboned braids. She buys hot lunch effortlesslynot even reduced, she pays full price. Evelyn is made up. The girl knows this. Nothing is real since the incest. The girl cant breathe through her nose because of the mold.

The girl breathes loudly, it is a good joke for everyone. // I am hurting so much this winter. I am fucking everyone and nothing matters, I wore braids to an award show, I started wearing dark lipstick and crying in the shower My sheets are beautiful, I kiss everyone I meet The end of the world fits inside of my cocktail I never fixed myself, I am my own arduous endeavor I light myself on fire for everyone I am the arsonist and the lover All choked into one great sex bouquet And Evelyn is here inside me, she is magnificent and ordering room service like a pro my mother still makes me cry from her love & her sweet eyes & sugared compassion the only parts I remember of my childhood are lies I told myself to feel better Epidemic for Belltown The girl with purple hair is sitting at my bar again. I think she is beautiful. But not in a way that I want to have awesome sex with her but in a way that I want to drink chocolate martinis together and go shopping for christmas vests that have tinkly bells and even maybe polar bears with hats on them. She is having a full-body cry.

I am the worst bartender, simply because I dont know how to counsel people without crying back at them. She is crying about the state of women. I know that we come from the same rotting wood, so all I do is nod. Rape is not a man behind a bush with a knife , she laughs, Its kissing you on the mouth like whiskey at a nice bar. The girl with purple hair and I are holding hands now I only wanted an apology. An acknowledgement of what occurred.

Grappling as artists, as girls, as ships in bottles, how do we change any of it? I tell her I am going to write a poem. She says no one wants to hear a rape poem , mary Rape Poem Have you ever seen a stampede of horses? Do you wonder what the hooves look like from underneath? Have you tasted the blood from biting your own lips because you couldnt say no loud enough? I never fought back. I didnt punch him. I kept my thighs tight and closed, but once hes inside you, you wish you were a streetlamp. A seat belt. A box of nails, of rust, something hard and ruined.

Youll wish you were a wild pony, a slick fish on a line, anything but a woman. Once hes inside you, you just kind of give up and your eyes glaze over. They stay that way for years. Tips for Fat Girls you are the ugly best friend. you are the misguided, the chubby comical relief, you are the sweet girl with inner beauty and you will always be second best. it was the first time I ate an entire box of oreo cookies the first time my reflection was foreign from weight the first time I cradled my stomach like a child, it was the first time I said, mama. it was the first time I ate an entire box of oreo cookies the first time my reflection was foreign from weight the first time I cradled my stomach like a child, it was the first time I said, mama.

I hate my body. I want to slice off these parts right here. but I know better now. I know girls like me have to grow a tough skin always be ready for rejection always be prepared to be left for the thin ones, yes they will always leave you for the thin ones be funny; laugh at yourself you cannot afford to be quiet and sad learn how to drink heavily learn how to hide your vulnerability become obsessed with your art always turn the light off before fucking always lay on your stomach always be on a diet always be generous and when they take away the most beautiful, sacred pieces of you that you have to offer, always smile (you might at least have a cute face) learn how to give head. be eager, be easy, be agreeable. hide your roundness at all costs. be molding clay. be an anchor. be dependable, be a model wearing heels. yell at the scale, call her the devils hooves stop taking baths. your body does not fit the way you want it to. the water does not cover your awful. throw up. split yourself into two halves, call one half Your Mother. tell her your diet is working, call the other half doveno. call the other half shut up and smile call her Persephone, call her That Bitch dont be a bitch! dont be a fat bitch, be nice, be a work in progress, have an ego, be a Fierce Femme! wear makeup as if you cant stand to look at your own face because femininity is the only thing theyve left you with you cannot afford to be without bronzer, without teeth that sparkle, hoopskirts, hair that curls, hair that frames the face, get tattoos, quote marilyn monroe, talk about renaissance painters, never let them know how lonely it is to have a body that is a joke, the punch line in comedies, the before picture never let them know you want to be something other than the ugly best friend. never let them know that the next person to reach their hands into your chest may look at you in awe, at how surprisingly breakable you are, how you have survived this long. never let them know that the next person to reach their hands into your chest may look at you in awe, at how surprisingly breakable you are, how you have survived this long.

Why I Slept with Makeup on for Five Years for kelsey lauch, amanda redwood, and angela tislow when i am sleeping, i want to be a movie girl. i want my hair to be cascading around my shoulders lips still bright & eyelashes deep want my monster to shine with a sephora glow want you to see the pretty parts of me, even angle my face to seem thinner in the dark i am afraid of my exposed naked, mostly my ugly this is my body and i am terrified of the things it can & cannot do i wonder how many women are painting themselves into movie girls while they sleep angling their faces alien to themselves, an unnecessary surrender to things that kill them, to things that are not real I tell myself in the mirror, applying the second coat of mascara: these things are not real You Cant Save Your Family for the chalk poems on capitol hill in 2010 and to anyone who read them melissa and i are newly twenty-one and drinking port in her apartment. something about bach playing on the balcony makes me feel older sitting next to her, pools of gray mascara shooting down her cheeks. we are talking about Sad Feelings she cares too much about people i think girls like us are barbed wire, whove learned to tease without puncturing, pretending fire doesnt burn calluses scaling the wick with our small hands because no one will hear you if you never tell them that you are being fucked without permission fascinating how the tiny whimpers of a trespassed voice chameleons itself into a small phrase the next day the loaded chorus of: i am okay i am okay i am okay i am okay well I suppose everyone is okay, depending on what your calibration of pain is so you can remember that when he is high on heroin and you are detached and he moves into you without consent it could always be worse, right? oh my beautiful friend, you cannot save your family or the boy who is in your bed you can only save yourself summer is coming with the promise of friendship there will be wine on all the tables we sit at i will keep a record playing for you on the balcony of Denny and Summit remind you that you are the god of your own beginning if ever you falter or sink, i will find a room of mirrors it will be an endless room of gods, of you, of choosing to live on purpose I Will Fill a Tub with Iceberg Lettuce if i told you about the bathtubs i wish i owned just to kill myself artfully youd probably say hey, this girl is fucking nuts. maybe just twoone for utility, for the nightmare thing and a second clawfoot to fill with iceberg lettuce not soggy, sad lettuce but crisp and happy, glistening in the sheen of the light after ive drowned myself, you can put me on a bed of leaves and it wont be figurative either! like actually put me on top of the lettuce like a christmas pig or roast beef let the vultures come to me, i justi mean to say, gosh i still feel like dying these days the meds are pretty good about shutting up the choir of crazy but when you have an obsession with the glory of your own death they dont tell you about the swarms of bees that race out of your mouth when you talk about your own incest i mean insects do you know there are stingers in your stomach lining waiting for you to speak just so they can nudge you? do you remember when the doctor put me on tranquilizers? they were so scared i was really going to kill myself i was sort of scared too and i was asleep all the time and i fell asleep in class and my teacher sent me to detention and the detention teacher told me i didnt belong there and sent me to the nurse and i slept there and learned that youll eventually end up where youre supposed to be whether its the nurses office or in college or in an office typing away thinking about the first time you saw a girl by a water fountain while i was in detention, i drew a bathtub that had huge leaves of iceberg lettuce sitting in it, and i thought i was being clever. i mean sure i havent sliced open my breasts with a rusty piece of glass for a couple years now but the important thing you should know is that i saved the piece of glass.