Boreth - How to iron your own damn shirt: the perfect husband handbook featuring over 50 foolproof ways to win, woo & wow your wife

Table of Contents

For Corinne, who knows perfection when she sees it

Acknowledgments

Thanks to everyone who helped make this book a success, including: super-agent Laurie Abkemeier, whose enthusiasm and support from day one made this book a reality; Jay Mazhar, who read through all my convoluted descriptions and created such excellent illustrations; Becky Cabaza, Orly Trieber, and everyone at Three Rivers Press; Gracia Walker and the good people at Kiehls; Sammy Franco; Jack Chapman; Gay Courter; Charles Carlin; Tracy Smith; Beth Dart; Jeffrey Goldberg; Gary Lipshutz; Judy Krulewitz and Elizabeth Weinberger; Eric Reed; Katie Sharkey; Eric Yorkston for the battery-licking line; Sandy Green; Thomas Bahr; Tim Davis; Steve Weiss; Abby Gitlitz; Michael and Melissa Weiss; Mike Fuchs; Mike and Tori Palmer; Alyssa Ziman and Gary Weinhouse; Tom Pirone; Ira Frimere; Jill Sarah Connor; Andrew Ainslie; Sandrijn and Gary; Kate and Ernie Prudente; Jason Soslow; Margaret and Martin; Brad and Jenn; Fat Oscar; and, of course, Corinne.

For Men Only

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothingbecause he could do only a little.

EDMUND BURKE

All right, guys, settle down. I know some of you are pretty pissed off right now. Youre probably sitting there thinking, Ive got a good thing goingIve convinced my wife to accept the minimal amount of husbandly diligenceand now this book comes along and ruins it all. Well, what if I told you that with just a little more effort, you could make her think that youre the kind of husband who actually does all those things she has long since come to accept that you just wont do? Imagine what you could get away with then.

The point is youll never have to do everything in this book. But if you can master a few skills and learn to play a few mind games, you can reap the rewards of perfect husbandhood. And thats really the point. You dont have to be the perfect husband just for the sake of being perfect and pleasing your wife. Its really about just convincing her that youre the perfect husband and, consequently, pleasing you.

In order to make this arrangement work, you need to understand the mind of the wife and learn the rule of the game.

The Mind of the Wife

Women are complex, confusing, irrational, and downright dumbfounding. Married women doubly so. But their attitudes toward their husbands are pretty simple, if counterintuitive. There are three laws that govern the mind of the wife:

She doesnt expect you to always be perfect. Were you perfect when she married you? Hell, no. If she wanted perfection, shed have dumped your sorry ass a long time ago.

She wants to form a more perfect husband. Nothing makes her happier than making you better. Keep in mind that just thinking shes made you better is good enough.

Perfection is in the eyes of her girlfriends (and her parents). Your wife doesnt necessarily need you to be perfect. She needs her girlfriends and her parents to think youre perfect, and then tell her so as soon as you leave the room.

The Rule of the Game

Many men treat their marriage like whats known as a zero-sum game. You win, she loses, and the net result is zero. Of course, a marriage built on lots of zero-sum games doesnt add up to much. You dont want to approach your marriage like a battle, but rather like a negotiation, where each party comes away feeling good about the outcome. In other words, you want to win the battle of the sexes by convincing your wife that, in reality, she has won. Thats what this book is all about.

In closing, let me just leave you with a bit of advice that you should carry forth as you embark on your journey toward perfect husbandhood. If you remember one thing from this book, it should be this single guiding principle, this cardinal law, above all other laws: Foreplay matters.

Go in peace, my brothers.

For Women Only

Nothing so needs reforming as other peoples habits.

MARK TWAIN

All right, ladies, listen up. Youre probably sitting there, grinning like the Cheshire Cat, figuring youve found your ticket to a life of leisure, lying supine and groggy, fanned with palm fronds and fed overripe figs, dispatching him with a wave of your hand to the kitchen and the dirty dishes. Well, remember those classic whodunits, when theyd haul away the evil genius, and someone would say, If only hed used his powers for good, instead of evil. Well, ladies, youve got a choice to make.

If you hang this book, like the sword of Damocles, above your husbands head, hell wilt under the pressure (quite literally, if you catch my drift). You must let him find his own way on the path to perfection, and you must reward his efforts along the way.

Responsible use of this book is governed by three guidelines:

If youre worried about giving your husband this book, you should be. In other words, the more your husband needs this book, the less likely he is to read it, especially if he gets it from you. If this is the case, buy the book yourself, but give it to his brother (or better yet, his mother) to deliver.

Dont ever let him see you reading it. If you thought he wouldnt follow orders before, just wait until he sees you flipping through it. After that, any request you make will be tainted, leaving him feeling so suspicious and manipulated, hell question your motives when you ask him to pass the butter.

Reward his efforts. This book includes a lot of step-by-step instructions for how to do things. It also includes tricks to convince you hes seen the light. Either way, youre better off. So play along, let him feel he is winning. The net result will be a more perfect husband.

Given the proper motivation and reinforcement, your perfect husband will emerge, but it takes time. You must accept and appreciate each moment of perfection when you find it, with a cleaned kitchen here and a toilet seat put down there. You see, perfect husbandhood is a journey, not a destination. And as with all journeys, you know hell never ask for directions, so this book is the only chance youve got.

Good luck, ladies.

THE MALE MIND AND BODY

How to Know Your Limitations

Relax, all right. My old man is a television repairman,hes got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.

JEFF SPICOLI (SEAN PENN), Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Mans got to know his limitations.

HARRY CALLAHAN (CLINT EASTWOOD), Magnum Force

This book is filled with instructions for things you need to know in order to be the perfect husband. But to start things off, lets take a moment to figure out how to know when not to do something. Youre faced with a task that you figure is pretty straightforward. Your wife, of course, is skeptical, and happy to let you know it. Do you take a stand, or fold like a cheap map? Sometimes (not nearly as often as your wife would prefer, of course) a real man must admit hes completely clueless and defer to wiser minds. The question is, how do you know when to go with your gut, dive right in, and let the chips fall where they may, and when to take the mature (i.e., whipped), sensible (i.e., uninspired), and responsible (i.e., boring) path?