Jacob Richard - How to live with a huge penis: advice, meditations, and wisdom for men who have too much

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Copyright 2009 by Quirk Productions, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2008936820
eBook ISBN: 978-1-59474-774-8
Paperback ISBN: 978-1-59474-306-1

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Definition

A genetic birth defect that causes the penis to grow absurdly large. The condition is thought to affect about 1 million American men, though that number may be artificially low due to underreporting. OMG is usually diagnosed between the ages of 12 and 14, although late-onset OMG has been reported in men as old as 25. There are currently no known causes or treatments and no known adverse physical effects; however, the condition is usually accompanied by serious psychological problems beginning in adolescence.

O ur society is obsessed with size, and bigger is almost always better. Men boast about driving the biggest truck. Hunting with the biggest rifle. Having the biggest biceps. Women pay thousands of dollars for bigger breasts. Movie posters exclaim The Biggest Hit of the Summer! and athletes live by the mantra go big or go home. We love bigger. Bigger is good. Bigger works.

But when it comes to penises, bigger is a curse. Something to be ashamed of. From a young age, boys with huge penises are taught to keep them locked away in the prison of their underwear. Mortified parents go to great lengths to keep the great lengths of their sons genitals a secret, afraid theyll become the laughing stock of their supper clubs and church groups. While normal boys prance through locker rooms with their penises flopping gleefully about, snapping towels and comparing pubic manes, boys with OMG learn to feign other disabilities to avoid gym class altogether.

This pattern of avoidance continues into adulthood. Beaches, pool parties, and bike rides are just a few of the things that strike fear into the hearts of the over-hung. A man who carries a huge penis also carries a sack full of painful memories: being teased and physically attacked by schoolmates and co-workers. Accidentally making sexual partners hemorrhage or vomit. Suffering the sweltering days of summer in long pants.

Tragically, many men find it too much to bear. OMG sufferers have a suicide rate 30 times that of the average population. Many more express their pain through self-mutilation, often harming their penises orin rare casescutting them off entirely.

I first met the Rev. Owen Thomas while I was lying in a hospital bed in Cambridge, Massachusetts. He was the chaplain on call. I was the troubled young doctoral student whod been found unconscious after beating my penis bloody with a hammer. Id been courting a beautiful undergrad all semester, and, after a few dates, we found ourselves petting on my couch. But when I unzipped my fly and draped my penis on her leg, she let out a deafening scream and ran, half-naked, out of my apartment. In her panic, she fell down my buildings staircase, broke her neck, and died instantly.

Over the next few months, while doctors worked to save my penis, Reverend Owen worked to save my soul. He taught me to see my condition as something that made me exceptional. Gods kicking your ass cuz he thinks youre man enough to take it, he was fond of saying. He also entrusted me with his own secretthat he, too, was afflicted with OMG.

Suffice it to say, I wouldnt be alive today without his love and wisdom.

Years later, with my own son about to start high school (happily, he inherited a tiny penis from my wifes side of the family), I felt a duty to spare other boys some of the pain that poisoned my life for so many yearsto give them the tools to achieve the normalcy that took me so long to find. Reverend Owen and I have remained friends these long years, and I wouldnt have dreamt of writing this book without him.

So, in the name of healing and brotherhood

Dr. Richard Jacob

Sherman, Connecticut